Ashley Morris.
“Fuck You, You Fucking Fucks.”
© Hana Morris.
Used by permission.
All rights reserved.
Fuck you you fucking fucks.
I don’t give a damn what the hell you Yankees/Texans do, do it in your own yard, and shut the fuck up. We don’t care what you do, and we don’t want your damned PVC sided beige square houses uglying up our town. Go home, and quit looking at my home as simply a chance to line your wallets.
I’m so glad all you Chicagoans have figured out exactly how to fix New Orleans. Look at your own nasty city and explain why you can’t deal with the snow other than to throw tons of salt on the road, and why you can’t buy a beer for under $5. Fuck you, you fucking fucks.
What about you fucks that don’t want to rebuild NOLA because we’re below sea level. Well, fuckheads, then we shouldn’t have rebuilt that cesspool Chicago after the fire, that Sodom San Francisco after the earthquakes, Miami after endless hurricanes, or New York because it’s a magnet for terrorists.
And fuck Kansas, Iowa, and your fucking tornados.
Fuck you, San Antonio. You aren’t getting our Saints. When I get to the Alamo, I’m taking a piss on it. You probably go to funerals and hit on the widow. Classless fucks.
Fuck you Houston and Atlanta. No matter how many of our residents you steal, how many of our events you pilfer, you still ain’t got no culture. One of our neighborhoods has more character than all of your pathetic cookie-cutter suburbs laid end to end. Fuck you, fuck you all.
Fuck you Tom Benson. I hate you on so fucking many levels, but the main one is this: they aren’t your Saints, they’re ours. The NEW FUCKING ORLEANS Saints. All you had to do was say that you were coming back. But you didn’t. You had to fuck around to try to get more money. Fuck you, you greedy bastardo. Don’t think we haven’t noticed that you have phased out all of the merchandise that has the state of Louisiana on it. Don’t think we haven’t noticed how hard it is to get some Saints merchandise that actually says “New Orleans” on it. Fuck you, Fuck San Antonio, Fuck your whole fucking family. And if you and Rita think that anybody is going to patronize your car dealerships, then you got another thing coming, fuckface.
Fuck you New York. You lose a neighborhood and get scads of federal aid. We lose an entire FUCKING COAST, and the freespending W administration finally decides to become fiscally responsible. And fuck you all for taunting the New Orleans Saints fans, who have to deal with playing a home game in the Meadowlands. Fuck you, you classless motherfuckers. New Orleans donates a fire engine to the FDNY after 9/11, and you give us shit. Fuck you, fuck your town, fuck your residents, fuck your politicians. You. All. Suck.
Fuck you governess Blanco. Get your act together. Get a clue, or at least hire somebody who does.
Fuck you army corps of engineers. You are so full of yourself, and you don’t have clue fucking one. Building levees on jello. You should be tried and convicted of treason, or mass murder. Fuck you all, let’s give our money to the Dutch — they seem to have this shit figured out.
Fuck the Bush administration. Putting Mike Brown in charge of FEMA, you clueless fucking scalawag. You said “we will do what it takes”. Then do it.
Now.
Bitch.
Yup … I think that just about says it all.
Posted by: schroeder | 29 November 2005 at 01:20 AM
ashley,
I am moved to tears gasping for breath at this incredibly direct blog. It is true. It is comical. It is how we feel on the ugliest part of our insides. I believe that we as New Orleanians have the class to peel off like that inside our own circle while grinning and saying thank you to those fixing our city. I appreciate your rugged independence.
Posted by: dillyberto | 29 November 2005 at 12:33 PM
I second (well, third) the comments of Schroeder and Dillyberto.
You have created the perfect post-Katrina catharsis. This is pure id, perfect release of bad energy. Breathing becomes difficult as I read.
Psychiatrists should refer Katrina victims to this post.
We will rebuild! Resurrection!
Posted by: Mr. Clio | 29 November 2005 at 02:02 PM
Yep.
ID all the way. A barbaric YALP!
Opinionated, Uneducated non-New Orleanians make my skin crawl and bring out my instinctual need to thrash somebody.
Posted by: humidhaney | 29 November 2005 at 11:11 PM
Ahhhhh....
Blog as catharsis.
I’m better now, for all of you that asked. Still, like John Biguenet said, “They won’t build us levees that work? Then let them freeze in the dark.”
Posted by: ashley | 29 November 2005 at 11:44 PM
Lukewarm commentary might be all right for some, but this is barely tepid. Most of us in the blogosphere prefer writing that is less unfettered.
Next time, don’t hold back. Let us know what you are thinking.
Benson. Rope, Telephone pole. Some assembly required.
Posted by: Pawpaw | 30 November 2005 at 06:05 AM
A-fucking-men.
Posted by: Alex | 30 November 2005 at 07:25 AM
Reading that actually did wonders for my mood — thanks for posting it.
I wish someone could put the administration into a bare room with stone or metal walls (all the better — more echo) and force them to listen to your post — as read by someone with, say, as much volume as Sam Kenison — until they got off their collective asses and began working.
Posted by: Michael | 30 November 2005 at 09:27 AM
Love it.
I feel much better.
Posted by: R. Eustis | 02 December 2005 at 12:28 AM
That was pretty freaking awesome.
Cheers.
Posted by: Robert | 02 December 2005 at 09:27 PM
Thank you for this post. I found it being by typing (guess what) “fuck san antonio”. Everything thing you said is so true for many of us Katrina survivors, we are independent and don’t need the shitting on that we have taken from so many people since it all started. Anyhow, thanks again. So enigmatic to those outside our circle, but so conspicuous to us who are here, and should be to those that aren’t.
Posted by: Matt | 04 December 2005 at 07:12 PM
Hell ya.
Posted by: Seymour D. Fair | 14 December 2005 at 05:44 PM
WOW. I hope you had as much fun writing that as I had reading it!
Peace,
Tim
Posted by: Tim | 30 December 2005 at 01:41 PM
I see why this is filed under “Greatest Hits”.
Amen.
Posted by: Tim P. | 18 January 2006 at 11:59 PM
Fuck yeah, and for those of us stuck in fucking exile in Atlanta and Houston and other fucked-up places for economic reasons BEFORE the storm, fuck anyone who says we are not “real" New Orleanians, and fuck anyone who thinks we will move back into McHousing, and fuck any Atlanta fuckheads who think Katrina was sent by God to clean up Sodom and Gomorrah. Hold down the fucking fort and we will fucking keep sending you books and shovels and money and any other fucking thing you need. And know that we are working as hard as fuck to get together enough scratch to move the fuck home so that we can fucking secede from this fucked-up country.
Posted by: Robin | 01 February 2006 at 10:27 AM
I just listened to the fucking podcast and bust my fucking gut laughing. It’s almost funnier than the masterpiece post itself. You’re a fucking twisted genius of a fuck, man.
Posted by: Adrastos | 23 March 2006 at 11:57 PM
You have a way with words. Said it better than I ever could. bravo!
Posted by: Lisa | 27 April 2006 at 05:26 PM
I agree particularly with the several parts of Texas you’d like to see fucked. I hate Texas and most Texans as well, and for more reasons than their football or N.O. opinions. I particularly resent their inability to let native SWesterners partake in what few hallucinigens are available in such a dry, wreched environment. And the I hate all the people that choose to live, with no ancestral roots, in such an inhospitable and unforgiving place. No one should choose to move there. They must be crazy. Having ghosts that were once your relative there is one thing, but to get up and leave places that receive ample moisture to go and try to have a green lawn in Texas of all places is simply ludicrous. Bastards. I also hate them because they produced such a stinky beast as George Bush. Too bad Cheney is not from Texas. I have a hard time saying Fuck Wyoming. I actually quite like the state.
But while we are at it, can we say Fuck Conrad Burns? I’d sure like to see him get fucked, Mother Fucker that he is.
Posted by: lawson | 17 May 2006 at 04:51 PM
Bravo Ashley,
You’ve said it all in a brilliant dialog.
Posted by: karen boudreaux | 21 May 2006 at 05:35 PM
Oh YES! Those fucking fuckfaced fuckers get me all fucked-up mad, too. You said it, brother.
Posted by: G Bitch | 29 June 2006 at 07:43 PM
Hey, Hey, Hey — we New Yorkers still haven’t gotten the we were promised either. Bush did the same thing to us. “I’ll give New York $20 billion to rebuild" then never cut the check. The scraps we have gotten are only because Hillary and Chuck Shumer have some pull in the Senate and jumped and down and screamed.
Posted by: Geeno | 29 August 2006 at 08:24 AM
Right on.
Oh, and it’s “got another THINK coming", of course.
But right on re: all the rest.
Cheers.
Posted by: Not_Billy_Idol | 29 August 2006 at 08:26 AM
Not to take anything away from the rant though. It kills me to hear other people opine about what should be done to/with/for a city they’ve never actually laid eyes on.
Posted by: Geeno | 29 August 2006 at 08:26 AM
don’t be mad just because Katrina was gods way of cleaning house. Your Saints are a shitty ass baseball team that never wins. We tried to give them hope amongst anyone asking for help. San Antonio provided homes for 30,000 of your fucking rioters. And as for New York....a neighborhood? You call the World Trade Center a neighborhood. The popping sounds on the ash cover cement were the bodies of incocent working class people who were killed by the governments creation. You want to blame someone blame them. Yeah bush is a fuck tard but would Gore go to war or liberate the millions being tortured. No. Your opinon is probably only that of your friends or a crappy talk show circuit in your area. So fuck you. I bet your a vegetarian too...maybe not. I remember a chick in highschool just like you. And much like her, you would have a better understanding of whats really going on if you took the cock out of your ears.....
Oh and Fuck you
Posted by: George Washington | 10 September 2006 at 01:50 AM
Saints, a baseball team?
What a maroon.
Posted by: ashley | 10 September 2006 at 10:30 AM