Anthology
of Louisiana Literature
Madison Tensas.
Odd Leaves from the Life of a Louisiana “Swamp Doctor.”
CONTENTS.
- THE CITY PHYSICIAN versus THE SWAMP DOCTOR
- MY EARLY LIFE
- GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH THE MEDICINES
- A TIGHT RACE CONSIDERIN’
- TAKING GOOD ADVICE
- THE DAY OF JUDGMENT
- A RATTLESNAKE ON A STEAMBOAT
- FRANK AND THE PROFESSOR
- THE CURIOUS WIDOW
- THE MISSISSIPPI PATENT PLAN FOR PULLING TEETH
- VALERIAN AND THE PANTHER
- SEEKING A LOCATION
- CUPPING AN IRISHMAN
- BEING EXAMINED FOR MY DEGREE
- STEALING A BABY
- THE “SWAMP DOCTOR” TO ESCULAPIUS
- MY FIRST CALL IN THE SWAMP
- THE MAN OF ARISTOCRATIC DISEASES
- THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUNTER
- LOVE IN A GARDEN
- HOW TO CURE FITS
- A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE
LIST OF ENGRAVINGS.
- A TIGHT RACE CONSIDERIN’
“She tuk off her shoe, and the way a No.
10 go-to-meetin’ brogan commenced
givin’ a hoss particular Moses, were a caution
to hoss-flesh.”
- A RATTLE-SNAKE ON A STEAMBOAT
“But hardly had he reached the deck, when
he discovered the monster — his
head drawn back ready for striking.”
- VALERIAN AND THE PANTHER
“And the huge form of the dead panther
was lying by my side, with the
pocket holding the valerian firmly clenched
in his teeth.”
- STEALING A NIGGER BABY
“My cloak flew open as I fell, and the force of the
fall bursting its envelope,
out, in all its hideous realities, rolled the infernal
imp of darkness.”
- THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUNTER
“The way that bar’s flesh giv’ in to
the soft impresshuns of that leg, war an
honor to the mederkal perfeshun for having
invented sich a weepun.”
- A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE
“Closer and firmer his gripe
closed upon my throat, barring out the sweet
life’s breath.”
THE CITY PHYSICIAN
versus
THE SWAMP DOCTOR.
THE city
physician, or the country doctor of an old-settled
locality, with all the appliances of cultivated and
refined life around them; possessing all the numberless
conveniences and luxuries of the sick-room; capable of
controlling the many adverse circumstances that exert such a
pernicious influence upon successful practice; having at command
the assistance, in critical and anomalous cases, of scientific
and experienced coadjutors; the facilities of good roads; the
advantages of comfortable
dwellings, easy
carriages, and the pleasures of commingling with a
cultivated, mild,
refined society, cannot fully realize and appreciate the
condition of their less favoured, humble brethren, who, impelled
by youthfulness,
poverty, defective education, or the reckless spirit of
adventure, have taken up their lot with society nearly in
its primitive condition, and dispense the blessings of
their profession to the inhabitants of a country, where the
obscure bridle-path, the unbridged water-courses, the deadened
forest trees, the ringing of the
woodman’s axe, the humble log cabin, the homespun dress, and all
the many sober, hard realities of pioneer life, attest the
youthfulness of the settlement.
The city
physician may be of timorous nature and weak
and effeminate constitution: the “swamp doctor,” whose
midnight ride is often saluted by the scream of the panther,
must be of courageous nature, and in physical endurance
as hardy as one of his own grand alluvial oaks, whose
canopy of leaves is many a night his only shelter.
The city
physician may be of fastidious taste, and
exquisiteness of feeling; the swamp doctor must have the
unconcernedness of the dissecting-room, and be prepared
to swallow his peck of dirt all at once.
The city
physician must be of polished manners and
courtly language: the swamp doctor finds the only use he
has for bows, is to escape some impending one that
threatens him with
Absalomic fate
the only necessity for
courtly expression, to induce some bellicose “squatter” to
pay his bill in something besides hot curses and cold lead.
The city
physician, fast anchored in the sublimity of
scientific expression, requires a patient to “inflate his lungs
to their utmost capacity;” the swamp doctor tells his to
“draw a long breath, or swell your d——dest:” one calls an
individual’s physical peculiarities, “idiosyncrasy;” the
other terms it “a fellow’s nater.”
The city
physician sends his prescriptions to the drug
store, and gives himself no regard as to the purity of the
medicine; each swamp doctor is his own
pharmacien,
and
carries his drug store at the saddle.
The city
physician rides in an easy carriage over well
paved streets, and pays toll at the bridge; we mount a
canoe, a pair of mud boots, sometimes a horse, and
traverse, unmindful of exposure or danger, the sullen
slough or angry river.
The city
physician wears broadcloth, and looking in his
hat reads, “Paris;” we adorn the outer man with homespun,
and gazing at our graceful castors remember
the identical hollow tree in which we caught the coon that
forms its fair outline and symmetrical proportions.
The city
physician goes to the opera or theatre, to relax,
and while away a leisure evening. The swamp doctor
resorts for the same purpose to a deer or bear hunt, a
barbacue or
bran dance
and
generally ends by becoming
perfectly hilarious, and evincing a determination to sit up
in order that he can escort the young ladies home before
breakfast.
The city
physician, compelled to keep up appearances,
deems a library of a hundred authors a moderate collection;
the swamp doctor glories in the possession of
“Gunn’s Domestic Medicine,”
and the “Mother’s Guide.”
The city
physician has a costly Parisian instrument for
performing operations, and scorns to extract a tooth; the
swamp doctor can rarely boast of a case of amputating
instruments, and practices dentistry with a gum lancet and
a pair of pullikens.
The city
physician, with intellect refined, but feelings
vitiated by the corruptings and heart-hardenings of modern
polished society, views with utter indifference or affected
sympathy the dissolution of body and soul in his patients:
but think you, we can see
depart unmoved those with
whom we have endured privations, have been knit like
brothers together by our mutual dangers; with whom we
have hunted, fished, and shared the crust and lowly couch;
with whom we have rejoiced and sorrowed; think you
we
can see them go down to the grave with tearless eyes, with
unmoved soul? If we can, then blot out that expression so
accordant with common sentiment, “God made the
country, and man the town.”
The city
physician sends the poor to the hospital, and
eventually to the dissecting-room; we tend and furnish
them gratuitously, and a proposal to dispose of them
anatomically would, in all probability, put a knife into us.
One, with a
sickly frame, anticipates old age; the other,
with a vigorous constitution, knows that exposure and
privation will cut him off ere his meridian be reached.
The city
physician has soft hands, soft skin, and soft
clothes: we have soft hearts but hard hands; we are rough
in our phrases, but true in our natures; our words do not
speak one language and our actions another; what we
mean we say, what we say we mean; our characters, when
not original, are impressed upon us by the people we
practice among and associate with, for such is the character
of the pioneers and pre-emptionists of the swamp.
To sum up the
whole, the city physician lives at the top
of the pot, the swamp doctor scarcely at the rim of the
skillet: one is a delicate carpet, which none but the nicest
kid can press; the other is a cypress floor, in which the
hobnails of every clown can stamp their shape: one is the
breast of a chicken, the other is a muscle-shell full of
cat-fish: one is quinine, the other Peruvian bark: and so on in
the scale of proportions.
I have
contrasted the two through the busy, moving
scenes of life; let me keep the curtain from descending
awhile, till I draw the last and awful contrast.
Stand by the
death-bed of the two, in that last and
solemn hour, when disease has prescribed for the patient,
and death, acting the
pharmacien,
is
filling the ℞.
In a
close, suffocating room, horizontalized on a feather bed; if a
bachelor, attended by a mercenary nurse; his departure
eagerly desired by a host of expectant, envious
competitors; with the noise of drays, the shouts of the
busy multitude, and the many discordant cries of the city
ringing through his frame, the soul of the city physician
leaves its mortal tenement and wings its way to heaven
through several floors and thicknesses of mortar and brick,
whilst the sobs of his few true friends float on the air
strangely mingled with “Pies all hot!” “The last
’erald!”
and “Five dollars reward, five dollars reward, for the lost
child of a disconsolate family!”
The swamp
doctor is gathered unto his fathers ’neath the
greenwood tree, couched on the yielding grass, with the
soft melody of birds, the melancholy cadence of the summer
wind, the rippling of the stream, the sweet smell of flowers,
and the blue sky above bending down as if to embrace him,
to soothe his spirit, and give his parting soul a glance of
that heaven which surely awaits him as a recompense for all
the privations he has endured on earth; whilst the pressure
on his palm of hard and manly hands, the tears of women
attached to him like a brother by the past kind ministerings
of his Godlike calling, the sobs of children, and the
boisterous grief of the poor negroes, attest that not
unregarded or unloved he hath dwelt on earth: a sunbeam
steals through the leafy canopy and clothes his brow with a
living halo, a sweet smile pervades his countenance, and
amidst all that is beauteous in nature or commendable in
man, the swamp doctor sinks in the blissful luxuries of
death; no more to undergo privation and danger, disease or
suffering. He hath given his last pill, had his last draught
protested against; true
to the instincts of his profession, he, no doubt, in the
battling troop of the angels above, if feasible, will still
continue to charge.
MY EARLY LIFE.
UPON what
slender hinges the gate of a man’s life turns, and
what trifling things change the tenor of his being, and
determine in a moment the direction of a lifetime! Who
inhales his modicum of
azote
and oxygen, that cannot verify
in his own person that we are the creatures of
circumstances, and that there is a hidden divinity that
shapes our ends, despite the endeavours of the pedagogue,
man, to paddle them out of shape?
Some writer of
celebrity has averred, and satisfactorily
proven to all of his way of thinking, by a chain of logical
deductions, that the war of 1812, the victory of New
Orleans, the elevation of Jackson to the presidency, the
annexation of Texas,
General Taylor’s
not possessing the
proportions of Hercules, and a sad accident that occurred
to one of the best of families very recently, all was the
inevitable effect of a quiet unobtrusive citizen in Maryland
being charged some many years ago with hog stealing.
Were I writing
a library instead of a volume, I would take
up, for the satisfaction of my readers, link by link, the chain
of consequences, from the mighty to the insignificant;
also, if time and eternity permitted, trace the genealogy of
the memorable porker (upon whose forcible seizure all
these events depended), back to the time when Adam was
not required to show a tailor’s bill unpaid, as a portent of
gentility, or Eve thought it a wife’s duty to henpeck her
husband.
As I cannot do
this, I will, by an analogous example,
show that equally — to me at least — important
consequences have been deduced from as unimportant
and remote causes; and that the writing of this volume, my
being a swamp doctor in 1848, and having been steamboat
cook, cabin-boy, gentleman of leisure, plough-boy,
cotton-picker,
and almost a printer, depended when I was ten
years old on a young lady wearing “No. 2” shoes, when
common sense and the size of her foot whispered “fives.”
And now to show the connexion between these remote facts.
The death of my
mother when I was very young breaking
up our family circle, I became an inmate of the family of a
married brother, whose wife, to an imperious temper, had,
sadly for me, united the companionship of several younger
brothers, whose associates I became when I entered her
husband’s door.
Living in a free state, and his straitened
circumstances permitting him but one hired servant, much
of the family drudgery fell upon his wife, who up to my
going there devolved a portion upon her brothers, but
which all fell to my share as soon as I became domiciliated. I
complained to my brother; but it was a younger brother
arraigning a loved wife, and we all know how such a suit
would be decided. Those only who have lived in similar
circumstances can appreciate my situation; censured for
errors and never praised for my industry, the scapegoat of
the family and general errand-boy of the concern, waiting
upon her brothers when I would fain have been at study or
play, mine was anything but an enviable life. This condition
of things continued until I had passed my tenth year, when,
grown old by drudgery and wounded feelings, I determined
to put into effect a long-cherished plan, to run away and
seek my fortune wheresoever chance might lead or destiny
determine.
By day and by
night for several years this thought had
been upon me; it had grown with my growth, and acquired strength
from each day’s developement of fresh
indignities, filling
me with so much resolution, that the boy of ten had the
mental strength of twenty to effect such a purpose. I
occupied my few leisure hours in building airy castles of
future fortune and distinction, and in marking out the
preparatory road to make Providence my guide, and have
the world before me, where to choose.
One evening,
just at sunset, I was seated on the lintel of
the street-door, nursing one of my nephews, and affecting
to still his cries, the consequence of a spiteful pinch I had
given him, to repay some indignity offered me by his
mother, when my attention was attracted to a young lady,
who, apparently in much suffering, was tottering along,
endeavouring to support herself by her parasol, which she
used as a cane. To look at me now with my single bed,
buttonless shirts, premature wigdom, and haggard old-bachelor
looks, you would scarcely think I am or was ever
an admirer of the sex. But against appearances I have
always been one; and boy as I was then, the sight of that
young woman tottering painfully along, awoke all my
sensibilities, and made the fountain of sympathy gush out
as freely as a child swallowing lozenges. Overcoming my
boyish diffidence, as she got opposite the door, I
addressed her, “Miss, will you not stop and rest? I will get
you a chair, and you can stay in the porch, if you will not
come in the house.” “Thank you, my little man,” she
gasped out, and attempted to seat herself in the chair I had
brought, but striking her foot against the step the pain was
so great, that she shrieked out, and fell dead, as I thought,
on the floor.
Frightened
terribly to think I had brought dead folks
home, I joined my yell to her scream, as a prolongation,
which outcry brought my sister-in-law to the scene. The
woman prevailing, she carried her in the house, and
shutting the door to keep out curious eyes, which began
to gather round, she set to restoring her uninvited guest,
which she soon accomplished. As soon as she could
speak, she gasped out, “Take them off, they are killing
me!” — pointing to her feet. This, with difficulty, was
effected, and their blood-stained condition showed how
great must have been her torment. She announced herself
as the daughter of a well-known merchant of the city, and
begged permission to send me to her father’s store, to
request him to send a carriage for her. Assent being given,
she gave me the necessary directions to find it, and off I
started. It was near the river.
On my way to
the place, as I reached the river, I
overtook a gentleman apparently laden down with
baggage. On seeing me he said, “My lad, I will give you a
quarter if you will carry one of these bundles down to that
steamboat,” pointing to one that was ringing her last bell
previous to starting to New Orleans. This was a world of
money to me then, and I readily agreed. Increasing our
pace, we reached just in time the steamer, between which
and the place he had accosted me, I had determined, as the
present opportunity was a good one, to put in execution
my long-cherished plan, and run away from my home then.
Its accomplishment was easy. Following my employer on
board, I received my quarter; but instead of going on
shore, I secreted myself on board, until the continued puff
of the steamer and the merry chant of the firemen assured
me we were fairly under way, that I was fast leaving my
late home and becoming a fugitive upon the face of the
waters, dependent upon my childish exertions for my daily
bread, without money, save the solitary quarter, without a
change of clothes; no friend
to counsel me save the monitor within, a heart made aged
and iron by contumely and youthful suffering.
Emerging from
my concealment, I timidly sought the
lower deck and sat me down upon the edge of the boat,
and singling out some spark as it rose from the chimney,
strove childishly to draw some augury of my future fate
from its long continuance or speedy extinction.
The city was
fast fading in the distance. I watched its
receding houses, for, while they lasted, I felt as if I was not
altogether without a home. A turn of the river hid it from
sight, and my tears fell fast, for I was also leaving the
churchyard which held my mother, and I then had not
grown old enough to read life’s bitterest page, to separate
dream from reality, and know we could meet no more
on earth; for oftentimes in the quiet calm of sleep, in the
lonely hours of night, I had seen her bending over my tear-wet
pillow, and praying for me the same sweet prayer that
she prayed for me when I was her sinless youngest born,
and I thought in leaving her grave I should never see her
more, for how, when she should rise again at night, would
she be able to find me, rambler as I was?
With this huge
sorrow to dampen my joy at acquiring my
liberty, chilled with the night air I was sinking into sleep in
my dangerous seat, when the cook of the boat discovered
me, and shaking me by the arm until I awoke, took me into
the
caboose, and giving me my supper, asked me, “What I
was doing there, where I would be certain to fall overboard
if I went to sleep?” I made up a fictitious tale, and finishing
my story, asked him if he could assist me in getting some
work on the boat to pay my passage, hinting I was not
without experience in his department, in washing dishes,
cleaning knives, &c. This was just to his hand; promising
me employment and
protection, he gave me a place to sleep in, which, fatigued
as I was, I did not suffer long to remain unoccupied.
The morrow
beheld me regularly installed as third cook
or scullion, at eight dollars a month. This, to be sure, was
climbing the world’s ladder to fame and fortune at a snail’s
pace; but I was not proud, and willing to bide my time in
hope of the better day a-coming. My leisure hours, which
were not few, were employed in studying my books, of
which I had a good supply, bought with money loaned me
by my kind friend the cook.
I improved
rapidly in my profession, till one day my
ambition was gratified by being allowed to make the bread
for the first cabin table. This I executed in capital style,
with
the exception of forgetting in my elation to sift the meal,
thereby kicking up considerable of a stir when it came to be
eaten, and causing my receiving a hearty curse for my
carelessness, and a threat of a rope’s end, the exercise of
which I crushed by seizing a butcher knife in very
determined style, and the affair passed over.
I remained on
board until I had ascended as high as
second cook, when I got disgusted with the kitchen and
aspired to the cabin. I had heard of many cabin-boys
becoming captain of their own vessels, but never of one
cook, — except
Captain Cook,” and he became one from
name, not by nature or profession. There being no vacancy
on board, I received my wages and
hired at V—— as cabin boy
on a small steamboat running as packet to a small town,
situated on one of the tributaries of the Mississippi.
On my first
trip up I recollected that I had a
brother
living in the identical town to which the steamer was
destined, who had been in the south for several years,
and, when I last heard from him, was doing well in the
world’s ways.
I thought that
as I would be landing every few days at
his town, it would be only right that I should call and see him.
He was
merchandising on a large scale, I was informed
by a gentleman on board, a planter in one of the middle
counties of Mississippi, who, seeing me reading in the
cabin after I had finished my labour of the day, opened a
conversation with me, and, extracting my history by his
mild persuasiveness, offered to take me home with him
and send me to school until my education for a profession
was completed. But my independence spurned the idea of
being indebted to such an extent to a stranger; perhaps I
was too enamoured of my wild roving life. I refused his
offer, thanking him gratefully for the kind interest he
seemed to take in me. He made me promise, that if I
changed my mind soon, I would write to him, and gave me
his direction, which I soon lost, and his name has passed
from my recollection.
On reaching M——, I strolled up in town and inquired the
way of a negro to Mr. Tensas’ store. He pointed it out to
me, and I entered. On inquiry for him, I found he was over
at his dwelling-house, which I sought. It was a very pretty
residence, I thought, for a bachelor; the walks were nicely
gravelled, and shrubbery appropriately decorated the
grounds.
I knocked at
the door boldly; after a short delay it was
opened by quite a handsome young finely dressed lady.
Thinking I was mistaken in the house, I inquired if my
brother resided there? She replied, “that he did;” and
invited me to wait, as he would soon be home. Walking in,
after a short interval my brother came. Not remarking me at
first, he gave the young lady a hearty
kiss, which she returned with interest. I concluded she
must be his housekeeper. Perceiving me, he recognised me
in a moment, and gave me an affectionate welcome,
bidding me go and kiss my sister-in-law, which, not
waiting for me to do, she performed herself.
My brother was
very much shocked when he heard of
my menial occupation, and used such arguments and
persuasives to induce me to forsake my boat-cabin for his
house, that I at length yielded.
He intended
sending me the next year to college, when
the
monetary crash came over the South, and the
millionaire of to-day awoke the penniless bankrupt of the
morrow. My brother strove manfully to resist the
impending ruin, but fell like the rest, and I saw all my
dreams of a collegiate education vanishing into thin smoke.
Why recount the
scenes of the next five years? it is but
the thrice-told tale, of a younger brother dependent upon
an elder, himself dependent upon others for employment
and a subsistence for his family; his circumstances would
improve — I would be sent to school — fortune would
again lower, and I, together with my sister-in-law, would
perform the menial offices of the family.
My sixteenth
birthday was passed in the cotton-field, at
the tail of a plough, in the midst of my fellow-labourers,
between whom and myself but slight difference existed. I
was discontented and unhappy. Something within kept
asking me, as it had for years, if it was to become a toiler
in the cotton-fields of the South, the companion of
negroes, that I had stolen from my boyhood’s home? was
this the consummation of all my golden dreams?
My prospects
were gloomy enough to daunt a much
older heart. Poverty shut out all hopes of a collegiate
education and a profession. Reflection had disgusted me
with a steamboat. I determined to learn a trade. My
taste for reading naturally inclined me to one in which I
could indulge it freely: it was a printer’s.
Satisfactory
arrangments were soon made with a
neighbouring printer and editor of a country newspaper.
The day was fixed when he would certainly expect me; if I
did not come by that time he was to conclude that I had
altered my determination, and he would be free to procure
another apprentice.
A wedding was
to come off in the family for which I
worked, in a short time, and they persuaded me to delay my
departure a week, and attend it. I remained, thinking my
brother would inform the printer of the cause of my
detention. The wedding passed off, and the next morning,
bright and early, I bid adieu, without a pang of regret, to my
late home, and started for my new master’s, but who was
destined never to become such; for on reaching the office I
learnt that my brother had failed to inform him why I
delayed, and he had procured another apprentice only the
day before. So that wedding gave one subject less to the
fraternity of typos, and made an indifferent swamp doctor
of matter for a good printer.
I returned home
on foot, wallet on my back, and
resumed my cotton-picking, feeling but little disappointed.
I had shaken hands too often with poverty’s gifts to let
this additional grip give me much uneasiness.
The season was
nearly over, and the negroes were
striving to get the cotton out by Christmas, when one
night at the supper table — the only meal I partook of with
the family — my brother inquired,
“How would you
like to become a doctor, Madison?”
I thought he
was jesting, and answered merely with a
laugh. Become a doctor, a professional man, when I was
too poor to go to a common school, was it not ludicrous?
“I am in
earnest. Suppose a chance offered for you to
become a student of medicine, would you accept it?” he
said.
It was not the
profession I would have selected had
wealth given me a choice, but still it was a means of
acquiring an education, a door through which I might
possibly emerge to distinction, and I answered, “Show me
the way, and I will accept without hesitation.”
He was not
jesting.
One of the first physicians
in the
state, taking a fancy to me, had offered to board me,
clothe me, educate me in his profession, and become as a
father to me, if I were willing to accept the kind offices at
his hands.
I could
scarcely realize the verity of what I had heard,
yet ’twas true, and the ensuing new-year beheld me an
inmate of the office of my benefactor.
He is now in
his grave. Stricken down a soldier of
humanity at his post, ere the meridian of life was
reached. Living, he was called the widow’s and orphan’s
friend, and the tears of all attested, at his death, that the
proud distinction was undenied. I am not much, yet what I
am he made me; and when my heart fails to thrill in
gratitude at the silent breathing of his name, may it be
cold to the loudest tones of life.
Behold me,
then, a student of medicine, but yesterday a
cotton-picker; illustrating within my own person, in the
course of a few years, the versatility of American pursuits
and character.
I was scarcely
sixteen, yet I was a student of medicine,
and had been, almost a printer, a cotton-picker, plough-boy,
gin-driver, gentleman of leisure, cabin-boy, cook,
scullion, and runaway, all distinctly referable to the young
lady before-mentioned wearing “No. 2’s,” when her foot
required “fives.”
GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH THE MEDICINES.
“Now, Mr.
Tensas,” said my kind
preceptor, a few days
after I had got regularly installed in the office, “your first
duty must be to get acquainted with the different medicines.
This is a
Dispensatory
— as you read of a drug you will
find the majority mentioned on the shelves, take it down
and digest” — here, unfortunately for the peace of mind and
general welfare of a loafing Indian, who hung continually
around the office, seeking what he might devour, or rather
steal, the doctor was called away in a great hurry, and did
not have time to finish his sentence, so “take it down and
digest,” were the last words that remained in my mind.
“Take it down and digest.” By
the father of physic, thought
I, this study of medicine is not the pleasant task I
anticipated — rather arduous in the long run for the
stomach, I should judge, to swallow and digest all the
medicines, from Abracadabra to Zinzibar. Why, some of
them are
vomits, and I’d like to know how they are to be
kept down long enough to be digested. Now, as for
tamarinds, or liquorice, or white sugar, I might go them, but
aloes, and rhubarb, and castor-oil, and running your finger
down your throat, are rather disagreeable any way you can
take them. I’m in for it, though; I suppose it’s the way all
doctors are made, and I have no claims to be exempted; and
now for the big book with the long name.
I opened it
upon a list of the metals. Leading them in
the order that alphabetical arrangement entitled it to, was,
“Arsenic: deadly poison. Best preparation, Fowler’s
Solution.
Symptoms from an overdose, burning in the stomach, great
thirst, excessive vomiting,” &c., &c. With eyes
distended
to their utmost capacity, I read the dread enumeration of its
properties. What! take this infernal medicament down,
digest it, and run the chances of its not being an overdose?
Can’t think of it a moment. I’ll go back to my plough first;
but then the doctor knew all the dangers when he gave his
directions, and he was so precise and particular, there
cannot be any mistake. I’ll take a look at it anyhow, and I
hunted it up. As the Dispensatory preferred Fowler’s
Solution, I selected that. Expecting to find but a small
quantity, I was somewhat surprised when I discovered it in
a four-gallon bottle, nearly full. I took out the stopper, and
applied it cautiously to my nose. Had it not been for the
label, bearing, in addition to the name, the fearful word
“Poison,” and the ominous skull and cross-bones, I would
have sworn it was good old Bourbon whiskey. Old Tubba,
the Indian, was sitting in the office door, watching my
proceedings with a great deal of interest. Catching the
spirituous odour of the arsenical solution, he rose up and
approached me eagerly, saying, “Ugh; Injun want whiskey;
give Tubba whiskey; bring wild duck, so many,” holding up
two of his fingers. The temptation was strong, I must
confess. The medicines had to be tested, and I felt very
much disinclined to depart this life just then, when the pin
feathers of science had just commenced displacing the soft
down of ducklingdom; but this Indian, he is of no earthly
account or use to any one; no one would miss him, even
were he to take an overdose; science often has demanded
sacrifices, and he would be a willing one; but — it may kill
him; I can’t do it; to kill a man before I get my diploma will
be murder; a jury might not so pronounce it, but conscience
would; I can’t swallow it, and Tubba must not. These
were the thoughts that flashed through my mind before I
replied to the Indian’s request. “Indian can’t have
whiskey. Tubba drink whiskey — Tubba do so.” Here I
endeavoured to go through the pantomime of dying, as I
was not master of sufficient Choctaw to explain myself. I
lifted a glass to my mouth and pretended to empty it, then
gave a short yell, clapping my hands over my stomach,
staggering, jerking my hands and feet about, as I fell on
the floor, repeating the yells, then turned on my face and
lay still as though I was dead. But to my chagrin, all this
did not seem to affect the Indian with that horror that I
intended, but on the contrary, he grunted out a series of
ughs, expressive of his satisfaction, saying, “Ugh; Tubba
want act drunk too.”
The dinner hour
arriving, I dismissed old Tubba, and
arranging my toilet, walked up to the dwelling-house, near
half a mile distant, where I was detained several hours by
the presence of company, to whom I was forced to do the
honours, the doctor not having returned.
At length I got
released, and returned to the office,
resolving to suspend my studies until I could have a talk
with my preceptor; for, even on my ignorant mind, the
shadow of a doubt was falling as to whether there might
not be some mistake in my understanding of his language.
Entering the
office, my eyes involuntarily sought the
Solution of Arsenic. Father of purges and pukes, it was
gone! “Tubba, you’re a gone case. I ought to have
hidden it. I might have known he would steal it after
smelling the whiskey; poor fellow! it’s no use to try and
find him, he’s struck a straight line for the swamp; poor
fellow! it’s all my fault.” Thus upbraiding myself for my
carelessness, I walked back into my bedroom. And my
astonishment may be imagined, when I discovered the
filthy Indian tucked in nicely between my clean sheets.
To all
appearances he was in a desperate condition, the
fatal bottle lying hugged closely in his embrace, nearly
empty. He must be suffering awfully, thought I, when
humanity had triumphed over the indignation I felt at the
liberties he had taken, but Indian-like, he bears it without a
groan. Well has his race been called “the stoics of the
wood, the men without a tear.” But I must not let him die
without an effort to save him. I don’t know what to do
myself, so I’ll call in Dr.B., and away I posted; but Dr. B.
was absent; so was Dr. L.; and in fact every physician of
the town. Each office, however, contained one or more
students; and as half a loaf is better than no bread, I
speedily informed them of the condition of affairs, and
quickly, like a flock of young vultures, we were thronging
around the poisoned Indian, to what we would soon have
rendered the harvest of death.
“Stomach pump
eo instanti!” said one; “Sulphas Zinci
cum Decoction Tabacum!” said another; “Venesection!”
suggested a third. “Puke of Lobelia!” suggested a young
disciple of Thompson, who self-invited had joined the
conclave, “Lobelia. Number six, pepper tea, yaller
powders, I say!” “Turn him out! Turn him out! What right
has young Roots in a mineral consultation? Turn him
out!” — and heels over head, out of the room, through the
middle door, and down the office steps, went “young
Roots;” impelled by the whole body of the enraged
“regulars” — save myself, who, determined amidst the array
of medical lore not to appear ignorant, wisely held my
tongue and rubbed the patient’s feet with a greased rag.
Again arose the jargon of voices.
“Sulphas
Zinci — Stomach, Arteri, pump, otomy-must — legs — hot-toddy — to
bleed him — lectricity — hot blister —
flat-irons — open his — windpipe;” but still I said never a
word, but rubbed his feet, wondering whether I would ever
acquire as much knowledge as my fellow students showed
the possession of. By the by, I was the only one that was
doing anything for the patient, the others being too
busy discussing the case to attend to the administration of
any one of the remedies proposed.
“I say
stimulate, the system is sinking,” screamed a tall,
stout-looking student, as the Indian slid down towards the
foot of the bed.
“Bleeding
is
manifestly and clearly indicated,” retorted
a bitter rival in love as well as medicine, “his muscular
action is too excessive,” as Tubba made an ineffectual
effort to throw his body up to the top of the mosquito bar.
“Bleeding would
be as good as murder,” said Number 1.
“Better cut his
throat than stimulate him,” said Number 2.
“Pshaw!”
“Fudge!”
“Sir!”
“Fellow!”
“Fool!”
“Liar!”
Vim! Vim! and
stomach-pump and brandy bottle flashed
like meteors.
“Fight! fight!
form a ring! fair play!”
“You’re holding
my friend.”
“You lie! You
rascal!”
Vim! Vim! from
a new brace of combatants.
“He’s gouging
my brother! I must help! foul play!”
“Let go my
hair!” Vim! Vim! and a triplet went at it.
I stopped
rubbing, and looked on with amazement. “Gentlemen, this is
unprofessional! ’tis undignified! ’tis
disgraceful! stop, I command you!” I yelled, but no one
regarded me; some one struck me, and away I pitched into
the whole lot promiscuously, having no partner, the
patient dying on the bed whilst we were studying out his case.
“Fight! fight!”
I heard yelled in the street, as I had
finished giving a lick all round, and could hardly keep
pitching into the mirror to whip my reflection, I wanted a
fight so bad.
“Fight! fight!
in D——’s back office!” and here came the
whole town to see the fun.
“I command the
peace!” yelled Dick Locks; “I’m the
mayor.”
“And I’m the
hoss for you!” screamed I, doubling him
up with a lick in the stomach, which he replied to by laying
me on my back, feeling very faint, in the opposite corner
of the room.
“I command the
peace!” continued Dick, flinging one
of the combatants out of the window, another out of the
door, and so on alternately, until the peace was preserved
by nearly breaking its infringers to pieces.
“What in the
devil, Mr. Tensas, does this mean?” said
my preceptor, who at that moment came in; “what does all
this fighting, and that drunken Indian lying in your bed,
mean? have you all been drunk?”
“He has
poisoned himself, sir, in my absence, with the
solution of arsenic, which he took for whiskey; and as all
the doctors were out of town, I called in the students, and
they got to fighting over him whilst consulting;” I replied,
very indignantly, enraged at the insinuation that we had
been drinking.
“Poisoned with
solution of arsenic, ha! ha! oh! lord!
ha!” and my preceptor, throwing his burly form on the floor,
rolled over and over, making the office ring with his
laughter — “poisoned, ha! ha!”
“Get out of
this, you drunken rascal!” said he to the
dying patient, applying his horse-whip to him vigorously.
It acted a charm: giving a loud yell of defiance, the old
Choctaw sprang into the middle of the floor.
“Whoop !
whiskey lour! Injun big man, drunk heap.
Whoop! Tubba big Injun heap!” making tracks for the
door, and thence to the swamp.
The truth must
out. The boys had got into the habit of
making too free with my preceptor’s whiskey; and to keep
off all but the knowing one, he had labelled it, “Solution
of Arsenic.”
A TIGHT RACE CONSIDERIN’.
DURING my
medical studies, passed in a small village in
Mississippi, I became acquainted with a family named
Hibbs (a
nom de plume
of course), residing a few miles
in
the country. The family consisted of Mr. and Mrs. Hibbs
and son. They were plain, unlettered people, honest in
intent and deed; but overflowing with that which amply
made up for all their deficiencies of education, namely,
warm-hearted hospitality, the distinguishing trait of
southern character. They were originally from Virginia,
from whence they had emigrated in quest of a clime more
genial, and a soil more productive than that in which their
fathers toiled. Their search had been rewarded, their
expectations realized, and now,
in their old age, though not wealthy in the “Astorian”
sense, still they had sufficient to keep the “wolf from the
door,” and drop something more substantial than
condolence and tears in the hat that poverty hands round
for the kind offerings of humanity.
The old man was
like the generality of old planters, men
whose ambition is embraced by the family or social circle,
and whose thoughts turn more on the relative value of “Sea
Island” and “Mastodon,” and the improvement of
their plantations, than the “glorious victories of Whiggery in
Kentucky,” or the “triumphs of
democracy in Arkansas.”
The old lady
was a shrewd, active dame, kind-hearted
and long-tongued, benevolent and impartial, making her
coffee as strong for the poor pedestrian, with his all upon
his back, as the broadcloth sojourner, with his
“up-country pacer.”
She was a member of the church, as well as
the daughter of a man who had once owned a race-horse:
and these circumstances gave her an indisputable right,
she thought, to “let on all she knew,” when religion or
horse-flesh was the theme. At one moment she would be
heard discussing whether the new
“circus rider,”
(as she
always called him,) was as affecting in Timothy as the old
one was pathetic in Paul, and anon (not anonymous, for
the old lady did everything above board, except rubbing
her corns at supper), protecting dad’s horse from the
invidious comparisons of some visiter, who, having heard,
perhaps, that such horses as Fashion and Boston existed,
thought himself qualified to doubt the old lady’s assertion
that her father’s horse “Shumach” had run a mile on one
particular occasion. “Don’t tell me,” was her never
failing
reply to their doubts, “Don’t tell me ’bout Fashun or
Bosting, or any other beating ’Shumach’ a fair race, for
the thing was unfesible; did’nt he run a mile a minute
by Squire Dim’s watch, which always stops ’zactly at
twelve, and did’nt he start a minute afore, and git out, jes as
the long hand war givin’ its last quiver on ketchin’ the short
leg of the watch? And didn’t he beat everything in
Virginny ’cept once? Dad and the folks said he’d beat then,
if young Mr. Spotswood hadn’t give ’old Swaga,’
Shumach’s rider, some of that ’Croton water,’ (that them
Yorkers is makin’ sich a fuss over as bein’ so good, when
gracious knows, nothin’ but what the doctors call
interconception could git me to take a dose) and jis ’fore
the race Swage or Shumach, I don’t ’stinctly ’member which,
but one of them had to ’let down,’ and so dad’s hoss got
beat.”
The son I will
describe in few words. Imbibing his
parents’ contempt for letters, he was very illiterate, and as
he had not enjoyed the equivalent of travel, was extremely
ignorant on all matters not relating to hunting or plantation
duties. He was a stout, active fellow, with a merry twinkling
of the eye, indicative of humour, and partiality for practical
joking. We had become very intimate, he instructing me in
“forest lore,” and I, in return, giving amusing stories, or,
what was as much to his liking; occasional introductions
to my hunting-flask.
Now that I have
introduced the “
Dramatis Personae
,” I
will proceed with my story. By way of relaxation, and to
relieve the tedium incident more or less to a student’s life, I
would take my gun, walk out to old Hibbs’s, spend a day or
two, and return refreshed to my books.
One fine
afternoon I started upon such an excursion,
and as I had upon a previous occasion missed killing a fine
buck, owing to my having nothing but squirrel shot, I
determined to go this time for the “antlered monarch,” by
loading one barrel with fifteen “blue whistlers,” reserving
the other for small game.
At the near end
of the plantation was a fine spring, and
adjacent, a small cave, the entrance artfully or naturally
concealed, save to one acquainted with its locality. The
cave was nothing but one of those subterraneous washes
so common in the west and south, and called “sink
holes.” It was known only to young H. and myself, and
we, for peculiar reasons, kept secret, having put it in
requisition as the depository of a jug of “old Bourbon,”
which we favoured, and as the old folks abominated
drinking, we had found convenient to keep there, whither
we would repair to get our drinks, and return to the house
to hear them descant on the evils of drinking, and “vow no
’drap,’ ’cept in doctor’s truck, should ever come
on their plantation.”
Feeling very
thirsty, I took my way by the spring that
evening. As I descended the hill o’ertopping it, I beheld
the hind parts of a bear slowly being drawn into the cave.
My heart bounded at the idea of killing a bear, and my
plans were formed in a second. I had no dogs — the house
was distant — and the bear becoming “small by degrees,
and beautifully less.” Every hunter knows, if you shoot a
squirrel in the head when it’s sticking out of a hole, ten to
one he’ll jump out; and I reasoned that if this were true
regarding squirrels, might not the operation of the same
principle extract a bear, applying it low down in the back.
Quick as
thought I levelled my gun and fired, intending
to give him the buckshot when his body appeared;
but what was my surprise and horror, when, instead of a
bear rolling out, the parts were jerked nervously in, and
the well-known voice of young H. reached my ears.
“Murder!
Hingins! h——l and kuckle-burs! Oh! Lordy!
’nuff! — ’nuff! — take him off! Jis let me off this wunst, dad,
and I’ll never run mam’s colt again! Oh!
Lordy! Lordy! all my brains blowed clean out! Snakes!
snakes!” yelled he, in a shriller tone, if possible, “H——l
on the outside and snakes in the sink-hole! I’ll die a
Christian, anyhow,
and if I die before I wake.” and out
scrambled poor H., pursued by a large black-snake.
If my life had
depended on it, I could not have restrained
my laughter. Down fell the gun, and down dropped I
shrieking convulsively. The hill was steep, and over and
over I went, until my head striking against a stump at the
bottom, stopped me, half senseless. On recovering
somewhat from the stunning blow, I found Hibbs upon me,
taking satisfaction from me for having blowed out his
brains. A contest ensued, and H. finally relinquished his
hold, but I saw from the knitting of his brows, that the
bear-storm, instead of being over, was just brewing. “Mr.
Tensas,” he said with awful dignity, “I’m sorry I put into
you ’fore you cum to, but you’re at yourself now, and as
you’ve tuck a shot at me, it’s no more than far I should have
a chance ’fore the hunt’s up.”
It was with the
greatest difficulty I could get H. to bear
with me until I explained the mistake; but as soon as he
learned it, he broke out in a huge laugh. “Oh, Dod busted!
that’s ’nuff; you has my pardon. I ought to know’d you
didn’t ’tend it; ’sides, you jis scraped the skin. I war wus
skeered than hurt, and if you’ll go to the house and beg me
off from the old folks, I’ll never let on you cuddent tell
coppras breeches from bar-skin.”
Promising that
I would use my influence, I proposed
taking a drink, and that he should tell me how he had
incurred his parent’s anger. He assented, and after we had
inspected the cave, and seen that it held no other serpent
than the one we craved, we entered its cool recess,
and H. commenced.
“You see, Doc,
I’d heered so much from mam ’bout her
dad’s Shumach and his nigger Swage, and the mile a
minute, and the Croton water what was gin him, and how
she bleved that if it warn’t for bettin’, and the cussin’ and
fightin’, running race-hosses warn’t the sin folks said it
war; and if they war anything to make her ’gret gettin’
religion and jinin’ the church, it war cos she couldn’t ’tend
races, and have a race-colt of her own to comfort her
’clinin’ years, sich as her daddy had afore her, till she got
me; so I couldn’t rest for wantin’ to see a hoss-race and go
shares, p’raps, in the colt she war wishin’ for. And then I’d
think what sort of a hoss I’d want him to be — a quarter
nag, a mile critter, or a hoss wot could run (fur all mam says
it can’t be did) a whole four mile at a stretch. Sometimes I
think I’d rather own a quarter nag, for the suspense
wouldn’t long be hung, and then we could run up the road
to old Nick Bamer’s cow-pen, and Sally is almost allers out
thar in the cool of the evenin’; and in course we wouldn’t
be so cruel as to run the poor critter in the heat of the day.
But then agin, I’d think I’d rather have a miler, — for the
’citement would be greater, and we could run down the
road to old Wither’s orchard, an’ his gal Miry is frightfully
fond of sunnin’ herself thar, when she ’spects me ’long, and
she’d hear of the race, certain; but then thar war the four
miler for my thinkin’, and I’d knew’d in such case the
’citement would be greatest of all, and you know, too, from
dad’s stable to the grocery is jist four miles, an’ in case of
any ’spute, all hands would be willin’ to run over, even if it
had to be tried a dozen times. So I never could ’cide on
which sort of a colt to wish for. It was fust one, then
t’others, till I was nearly ’stracted, and when mam, makin’
me religious, told me one night to say grace, I jes shut my
eyes, looked pious, and yelled out, ’D—— n it,
go!’ and in ’bout five minutes arter, came near kickin’
dad’s stumak off, under the table, thinkin’ I war spurrin’
my critter in a tight place. So I found the best way was
to get the hoss fust, and then ’termine whether it should
be Sally Bamers, and the cow-pen; Miry Withers, and
the peach orchard; or Spillman’s grocery, with the bald
face.
“You’ve seed my
black colt, that one that dad’s father
gin me in his will when he died, and I ’spect the reason
he wrote that will war, that he might have wun then,
for it’s more then he had when he was alive, for granma
war a monstrus overbearin’ woman. The colt would cum
up in my mind, every time I’d think whar I was to git a
hoss. ’Git out!’ said I at fust — he never could run,
and ’sides if he could, mam rides him now, an he’s too
old for anything, ’cept totin her and bein’ called mine;
for you see, though he war named Colt, yet for the old
lady to call him old, would bin like the bar ’fecting contempt
for the rabbit, on account of the shortness of his
tail.
“Well, thought
I, it does look sorter unpromisin’, but its
colt or none; so I ’termined to put him in trainin’ the
fust chance. Last Saturday, who should cum ridin’ up
but the new cirkut preacher, a long-legged, weakly, sickly,
never-contented-onless-the-best-on-the-plantation-war-cooked-fur-him
sort
of a man; but I didn’t look at him
twice, his hoss was the critter that took my eye; for the
minute I looked at him, I knew him to be the same hoss
as Sam Spooner used to win all his splurgin’ dimes with,
the folks said, and wot he used to ride past our house so
fine on. The hoss war a heap the wuss for age and
change of masters; for preachers, though they’re mity
’ticular ’bout thar own comfort, seldom tends to thar
hosses, for one is privit property and ’tother generally
borried. I seed from the way the preacher rid, that he
didn’t know the animal he war straddlin’; but I did, and
I ’termined I wouldn’t lose sich a chance of trainin’
Colt by the side of a hoss wot had run real races. So that
night, arter prayers and the folks was abed, I and Nigger
Bill tuck the hosses and carried them down to the pastur’.
It war a forty-aker lot, and consequently jist a quarter
across — for I thought it best to promote Colt, by degrees,
to a four-miler. When we got thar, the preacher’s hoss
showed he war willin’; but Colt, dang him! commenced
nibblin’ a fodder-stack over the fence. I nearly cried for
vexment, but an idea struck me; I hitched the critter, and
told Bill to get on Colt and stick tight wen I giv’ the word.
Bill got reddy, and unbeknownst to him I pulled up a
bunch of nettles, and, as I clapped them under Colt’s
tail, yelled, ’Go!’ Down shut his graceful like a steel-trap,
and away he shot so quick an’ fast that he jumpt
clean out from under Bill, and got nearly to the end of
the quarter ’fore the nigger toch the ground: he lit on his
head, and in course warn’t hurt — so we cotched Colt, an’
I mounted him.
“The next time
I said ’go’ he showed that age hadn’t
spiled his legs or memory. Bill ’an me ’greed we could
run him now, so Bill mounted Preacher and we got ready.
Thar war a narrer part of the track ’tween two oaks, but
as it war near the end of the quarter, I ’spected to pass
Preacher ’fore we got thar, so I warn’t afraid of barkin’
my shins.
“We tuck a fair
start, and off we went like a peeled
ingun, an’ I soon ’scovered that it warn’t such an easy
matter to pass Preacher, though Colt dun delightful, we
got nigh the trees, and Preacher warn’t past yet, an’ I
’gan to get skeered, for it warn’t more than wide enuf for
a horse and a half; so I hollered to Bill to hold up, but
the imperdent nigger turned his ugly pictur, and said, ’he’d be
cussed if he warn’t goin’ to play his han’ out.’ I gin him to
understand he’d better fix for a foot-race when we stopt,
and tried to hold up Colt, but he wouldn’t stop. We reached
the oaks, Colt tried to pass Preacher, Preacher tried to pass
Colt, and cowollop, crosh, cochunk! we all cum down like
’simmons
arter frost. Colt got up and won the race; Preacher
tried hard to rise, but one hind leg had got threw the
stirrup, an’ tother in the head stall, an’ he had to lay still,
doubled up like a long nigger in a short bed. I lit on my feet,
but Nigger Bill war gone entire. I looked up in the fork of
one of the oaks, and thar he war sittin’, lookin’ very
composed on surroundin’ nature. I couldn’t git him down till
I promised not to hurt him for disobeyin’ orders, when he
slid down. We’d ’nuff racin’ for that night, so we put up the
hosses and went to bed.
“Next morning
the folks got ready for church, when it
was diskivered that the hosses had got out. I an’ Bill
started off to look for them; we found them cleer off in the
field, tryin’ to git in the pastur’ to run the last night’s race
over, old Blaze, the reverlushunary mule, bein’ along to act
as Judge.
“By the time we
got to the house it war nigh on to
meetin’ hour; and dad had started to the preachin’, to tell
the folks to sing on, as preacher and mam would be ’long
bimeby. As the
passun
war in a hurry, and had been
complainin’ that his creetur war dull, I ’suaded him to put on
uncle Jim’s spurs what he fotch from Mexico. I saddled the
passun’s hoss, takin’ ’ticular pains to let the saddle-blanket
come down low in the flank. By the time these fixins war
threw, mam war ’head nigh on to a quarter. ’We must ride
on, passun,’ I said, ’or the folks ’ll think we is lost.’ So I
whipt up the mule I rid,
the passun chirrupt and chuct to make his crittur gallop,
but the animal didn’t mind him a pie. I ’gan to snicker, an’
the passun ’gan to git vext; sudden he thought of his
spurs, so he ris up, an’ drove them vim in his hoss’s
flanx
till they went through his saddle-blanket, and like to bored
his nag to the holler. By gosh! but it war a quickener — the
hoss kickt till the passun had to hug him round the neck
to keep from pitchin’ him over his head. He next jumpt up
’bout as high as a rail fence, passun holdin’ on and tryin’ to
git his spurs — but they war lockt — his breeches split
plum across with the strain, and the piece of wearin’ truck
wot’s next the skin made a monstrous putty flag as the old
hoss, like drunkards to a barbacue, streakt it up the road.
“Mam war ridin’
slowly along, thinkin’ how sorry she
was, cos Chary Dolin, who always led her off, had sich a
bad cold, an’ wouldn’t be able to ’sist her singin’ to-day. She
war practisin’ the hymns, and had got as far as whar it says,
’I have a race to run,’ when the passun huv in sight, an’ in
’bout the dodgin’ of a diedapper, she found thar war truth in
the words, for the colt, hearin’ the hoss cumin’ up behind,
began to show symptoms of runnin’; but when he heard the
passun holler ’wo! wo!’ to his hoss, he thought it war me
shoutin’ ’go!’ and sure ’nuff off they started jis as the passun
got up even; so it war a fair race. Whoop! git out, but it war
egsitin’ — the dust flew, and the rail-fence appeered strate
as a rifle. Thar war the passun, his legs fast to the critter’s
flanx, arms locks round his neck, face as pale as a rabbit’s
belly, and the white flag streemin’ far behind — and thar war
Mam, fust on one side, then on t’other, her new
caliker
swelled
up round her like a bear with the
dropsy,
the old lady so
much surprized she cuddent ride steady, an’ tryin’ to stop
her colt, but he war too well trained to stop while he heard
’go!’ Mam got ’sited at last, and her eyes ’gan to glimmer
like she seen her daddy’s ghost axin’ ’if he ever trained up
a child or a race-hoss to be ’fraid of a small brush on a
Sunday,’ she commenced ridin’ beautiful; she braced
herself up in the saddle, and began to make calkerlations
how she war to win the race, for it war nose and nose, and
she saw the passun spurrin’ his critter every jump. She
tuk off her shoe, and the way a number ten go-to-meetin’
brogan
commenced givin’ a hoss particular Moses, were a
caution to hoss-flesh — but still it kept nose and nose.
She found she war carryin’ too much weight for Colt, so
she ’gan to throw off plunder, till nuthin’ was left but her
saddle and close, and the spurs kept tellin’ still. The old
woman commenced strippin’ to lighten, till it wouldn’t bin
the clean thing for her to have taken off one dud more; an’
then when she found it war no use while the spurs lasted,
she got cantankerous. ’Passun,’ said she, ’I’ll be cust if it’s
fair or gentlemanly for you, a preacher of the gospel, to
take advantage of an old woman this way, usin’ spurs
when you know she can’t wear ’em —
’taint Christian-like
nuther,’ and she burst into cryin’. ’Wo! Miss Hibbs!
Wo! Stop! Madam! Wo! Your son!’ — he attempted to say,
when the old woman tuck him on the back of the head, and
fillin’ his mouth with right smart of a saddle-horn, and
stoppin’ the talk, as far as his share went for the present.
“By this time
they’d got nigh on to the meetin’-house,
and the folks were harkin’ away on ’Old Hundred,’ and
wonderin’ what could have become of the passun and
mam Hibbs. One sister in a long beard axt another brethren
in church, if she’d heered anything ’bout that New York
preecher runnin’ way with a woman old enough to be his
muther. The brethrens gin a long sigh an’ groaned ’it ain’t
possible! merciful heavens! you don’t
’spicion?’ wen the sound of the the hosses comin’, roused them
up
like a touch of the
agur,
an’ broke off their serpent-talk. Dad
run out to see what was to pay, but when he seed the
hosses so close together, the passun spurrin’, and mam
ridin’ like close war skase whar she cum, he knew her fix in a
second, and ’tarmined to help her; so clinchin’ a sapplin’, he
hid
’hind a stump ’bout ten steps off, and held on for the
hosses. On they went in beautiful style, the passun’s spurs
tellin’ terrible, and mam’s shoe operatin’ ’no small pile of
punkins,’ — passun stretched out the length of two hosses,
while mam sot as stiff and strate as a bull yearling in his
fust fight, hittin’ her nag, fust on one side, next on t’other,
and the third for the passun, who had chawed the horn till
little of the saddle, and less of his teeth war left, and his
voice sounded as holler as a jackass-nicker in an old saw-mill.
“The hosses war
nose and nose, jam up together so
close that mam’s last kiverin’ and passun’s flag had got
lockt, an’ ’tween bleached domestic and striped
linsey made a beautiful banner for the pious racers.
“On they went
like a small arthquake, an’ it seemed like
it war goin’ to be a draun race; but dad, when they got to
him,
let down
with all his might on colt, scarin’ him so bad
that he jumpt clean ahead of passun, beatin’ him by a
neck, buttin’ his own head agin the meetin’-house, an’
pitchin’ mam, like a lam for the sacryfise, plum through the
winder ’mongst the mourners, leavin’ her only garment
flutterin’ on a nail in the sash. The men shot their eyes and
scrambled outen the house, an’ the women gin mam so
much of their close that they like to put themselves in the
same fix.
“The passun
quit the circuit, and I haven’t been home
yet.”
TAKING GOOD ADVICE.
“POOR fellow!
if he had only listened to me! but he
wouldn’t take good advice,” is the trite exclamation of the
worldling when he hears that some friend has cut his
throat, impelled by despair, or has become bankrupt, or
employed a famous physician, or is about to get married, or
has applied for a divorce, or paid his honest debts, or
committed any deprecated act, or become the victim of
what the world calls misfortune; “poor fellow, but he
wouldn’t take good advice.” Take good advice! yes, if I
had obeyed what is called good advice, I would be now in
my grave; as it is, I am still on a tailor’s books, the best
evidence of a man’s being alive.
When I was a
boy my friends were continually chiding
me for my half bent position in sitting or walking, and
since I have become a man the cry is still the same, “Why
don’t you walk straight, Madison? hold up your head.”
Had I obeyed
them, a tree-top that fell upon me whilst
visiting a patient lately, crushing my shoulder and bruising
my back, would have fallen directly upon my head, and
shown, in all probability, the emptiness of earthly things.
This is one instance showing that good advice is not
always best to be taken; but I have another, illustrating my
position still more strongly.
Whilst a
medical student, I was travelling on one of the
proverbially fine and accommodating steamers that ply
between Vicksburg and New Orleans. Before my departure,
the anxious affection of a female friend made her
exact a promise from me not to play cards; but the
peculiarity of the required pledge gave me an opportunity
of fulfilling it to the letter, but breaking it as to the
spirit. “You’ve promised me, Madison, not to play cards whilst
you’re on earth: see that you keep it.” I assured her I
would do so, as it applied only to shore, and when the
boat was on a sand-bar. It was more her friendly solicitude
than any real necessity in my habits, that made her require
the promise, as I never played except on steamboats, and
then only at night, when the beautiful scenery that skirts
the river cannot be seen or admired.
It was a
boisterous night above in the heavens, making
the air too cool for southern dress or nerves, so the cabin
and social hall were densely crowded, not a small
proportion engaged in the mysteries of that science which
requires four knaves to play or practice it. I had not yet sat
down, but showed strong premonitory symptoms of being
about to do so, when my arm was gently taken by an old
friend, who requested me to walk with him into our stateroom.
“Madison,” said the old gentleman, “I want to give
you some good advice. I see you are about to play cards
for money; you are a young man, and consequently have
but little knowledge of its pernicious effects. I speak from
experience; and apart from the criminality of gambling, I
assure you, you will have but little chance of winning in
the crowd you intend playing with: in fact, you are certain
to lose. Now promise me you won’t play, and I shall go to
bed with the satisfaction that I have saved you from harm.”
The charm was laid too skilfully upon me; I would not
promise, for what was I to do in the long nights of present
and future travel? so my old friend gave me up in despair,
and retired to rest, whilst I sought the card-table.
Young and
inexperienced as I was, an unusual strain
of good luck attended me; and when the game broke up at
daylight, I was considerably ahead of the hounds.
I retired to my
state-room to regain my lost sleep, and
soon was oblivious of everything. How long I slept I do
not know: my dreams ran upon the past game; and just as I
held “four aces,” and had seen my opponent’s two
hundred and went him four hundred dollars better, I was
aroused from my slumbers by the confused cries of “Fire!
Back her! Stop her! She’ll blow up when she strikes!” and a
thousand-and-one undistinguishable sounds, but all
indicative of intense excitement and alarm.
Stopping for
nothing, I made one spring from my berth
into the middle of the cabin, alighting on the deserted
breakfast-table, amidst the crash of broken crockery, three
jumps more were taken, which landed me up on the
hurricane-deck, where I found nearly all the passengers,
male and female, assembled in a fearful state of alarm,
preventing by their outcry the necessary orders, for the
preservation of the boat, from being heard. I took in the
whole scene at a glance. I forgot to mention, when I retired
to rest, the wind was blowing to such a degree that every
gust threatened to overset the boat. The captain, who was
a prudent, sensible man, had tied his boat to the shore,
waiting for the storm to subside. After the lapse of a few
hours, a calm having ensued, he cast loose, intending to
proceed on his way; but scarcely had he done so, when
the wind, suddenly increasing, caught the boat, and, in
despite of six boilers and the helm hard down, was carrying
her directly across the Mississippi, towards the opposite
shore, where a formidable array of old “poke-stalks” and
low, bluff banks were eagerly awaiting to impale us upon
the one hand, or knock us into a cocked hat upon the
other. At this time I arrived upon
the scene — the boat was nearly at the shore, the waters
boiling beneath her bows like an infernal cauldron.
Great as was
the danger, there were still some so
reckless as to make remarks upon my unique appearance,
and turn the minds of many from that condition of
religious revery and mental casting up and balancing of
accounts, which the near proximity to death so imminently
required; and certainly I did look queer — no boots, no
coat, no
drawers
— but, lady reader, don’t think my bosom
was false, and I had no subuculus on. “I didn’t have
anything else” on — more truth than poetry, I ween.
Sixteen young ladies, unmindful of danger, ran shrieking
away; fourteen married ones walked leisurely to the stern
of the boat, where the captain had been vainly before
trying to drive them; whilst two old maids stood and
looked at me in unconscious astonishment, wonderful
amazement, and inexpressible surprise.
“Look out!”
rang the shrill voice of the captain; and,
with a dull, heavy thump, the boat struck the bank, jarring
the marrow of every one on board, save myself — for,
just before she struck, I calculated the distance, made my
jump, landed safely, and was snugly ensconced behind a
large log, hallooing for some one to bring me my clothes.
No damage of
consequence, contrary to expectations,
was done our craft; and after digging her out of the bank,
we proceeded on our way, a heavy rain having
succeeded the storm.
I was lying in
my state-room, ruminating sadly over the
pleasureableness of being the laughing-stock of the
whole boat, when my old adviser of the night previous
entered the room, with too much laughter on his face to
make his coming moral deduction of much force.
“You see now,
Madison, the result of not having followed
my advice. Had you been governed by me, the
disagreeable event of the morning would never have
occurred; you would have been in bed at the proper hour,
slept during the proper hours, been ready dressed as a
consequence at the breakfast hour, and not been the
cause of such a mortal shock to the delicacy of so many
delicate females, besides making a d————d unanimous fool
of yourself.”
I said but
little in reply, but thought a great deal. I kept
my room the balance of the trip, sickness being my plea.
I transacted my
business in the city, and chance made
my old adviser and myself fellow-passengers and
roommates again, on our upward trip. Night saw me
regularly at the card-table, and my old friend at nine
o’clock as constantly in bed.
It was after
his bed-hour when we reached Grand Gulf,
where several lady-passengers intended leaving. They
were congregated in the middle of the gentlemen’s cabin,
bringing out baggage and preparing to leave as soon as
the boat landed.
At the landing
a large broad-horn was lazily sleeping,
squatted on the muddy waters like a Dutch beauty over a
warming-pan.
Her steering-oar — the broad-horn’s, not the
beauty’s — instead of projecting, as custom and the law
requires, straight out behind, had swung round, and stood
capitally for raking a boat coming up along side. The
engines had stopped, but the boat had not lost the
impetus of the steam, but was slowly approaching the
broad-horn, when a crash was head — a
state-room door
was burst open, and out popped my ancient comrade,
followed up closely by a sharp stick, in the shape of the
greasy handle of the steering-oar. It passed directly
through my berth, and would undeniably have killed me,
had I been in it.
It was my turn
to exult now. I pulled “Old Advice” out
from under the table, and, as I congratulated him on his
escape, maliciously added, “You see, now, that playing
cards is not totally unattended with good effects. Had I,
agreeably to your advice, been in bed, I would now be a
mangled corpse, and you enjoying the satisfaction that it
was your counsel that had killed me; whilst, on the other
hand, had you been playing, you would have escaped
your fright, and the young ladies from Nankin in all
probability would never have known you slept in a red
bandana.” I made a convert of him to my side; we sat down
to a quiet game, and before twelve that night he broke me
flat.
THE DAY OF JUDGMENT.
EVERY one is
acquainted with the horror that the
presence of the
small-pox,
or the rumour — which is as
bad — of its being in the neighbourhood, excites. A
planter living some thirty or forty miles from where I was
studying, had returned from New Orleans, where he had
contracted, as it afterwards turned out, the measles, but
which, on their first appearance, had been pronounced by
a young, inexperienced physician, who was first in
attendance, an undoubted case of small-pox. The patient
was a nervous, excitable man, and consequently very
much alarmed; wishing further advice, he posted a boy
after my preceptor,
who, desirous of giving me an opportunity of seeing the
disease, took me with him.
The planter
lived near a small town in the interior, now
no more, but which, in the minds of its
projectors
— judging from its lithographed map — was destined to
rival the first cities of the land. The nature of the disease
was apparent in a moment to my preceptor’s experienced
eye; but the excitability and fear of the patient had
aggravated the otherwise simple disease, so that it presensented
some really alarming symptoms.
A liberal
administration of the brandy bottle soon
reassured the patient and moderated the disease, so that
my preceptor, whose presence was urgently demanded at
home, could intrust him to my care, giving me directions
how to treat the case. He left for home, and I strutted
about, proud in the consciousness of being attending
physician. It being my first appearance in that capacity,
you may imagine that the patient did not suffer for want of
attention. I wore the enamel nearly off his teeth by the
friction produced by requiring the protrusion of his tongue
for examination, and examined his abdomen so often to
detect hidden inflammation, that I almost produced, by my
pommelling, what I was endeavouring to discover in the
first place. In despite of the disease and doctor, the case
continued to improve, and I intended leaving in the
morning for home, when the alarm of the small-pox being in
the settlement having spread, I was put in requisition to
vaccinate the good people. Charging a dollar for each
operation, children half price, I was reaping a harvest of
small change, when the virus gave out, and plenty of calls
still on hand. Knowing that there was no smallpox in the
first instance, and apprehensive that the fears of the good
folks, unless they imagined themselves protected, might
produce bad effects, I committed a pious
fraud, and found on the back of my horse, which
fortunately had been
galled
lately, an ample supply of
virus. My labours at length terminated, and I prepared to
depart, taking the small town before-mentioned in my
way; I dismounted at the tavern, to get a drink and have
my horse watered. On entering, I found several
acquaintances whom I did not expect to meet in that
section of the country. Mutually rejoiced at the meeting, it
did not take us long to get on the threshold of one of
those wild carouses, which the convivial disposition of
the Southerner — either by birth or adoption — so
unfortunately disposes him to. The Bacchanalian temple
was soon entered, and not a secret recess of its grand
proportions but what was explored. Night closed upon the
scene, and found us prepared for any wild freak or mad
adventure.
It was the
southern autumn, when the dark-eyed night
has just sufficient compassion on old winter’s wooing to
allow him the privilege of the shadow of a kiss, — just cool
enough, in other words, they were, to reconcile us to a
single blanket upon the bed, and draw from the meditative
minds of poverty-stricken students a melancholy sigh,
when the empty pocket reflects upon the almost equally
naked back, and curses it for needing winter clothes at all
at all.
As yet,
however, there had been no frost, and the
forests still remained decked in their holiday suits, the
gorgeous apparel of a southern clime.
With those who
have a soul that the shoemaker cannot
save, this is the great season of
camp-meetings
, love-feasts,
protracted preaching, and other religious festivals.
At this particular time the religious world, and many who
were not of that stamp, were on the lookout for the end of
the world, and the day of judgment, which some theological
calculator had figured up for this year, and no postponement
on account of the weather, sure!
The prediction
had produced great excitement amongst
all with whom the prophet had any credit; and where his
credit stopped other commenced — for some of the
knowing ones, who firmly believed the prophecy,
purchased any amount of goods at exorbitant prices, at
twelve months’ credit, thinking they would be in “Kingdom
Come” before the notes fell due.
Camp-meetings
were being held in all parts of the
country, and prayers of all kinds, from the unpremeditated
effusion of the conscience-stricken negro to the elaborate
supplications of the regularly initiated circuit-rider, arose,
making the welkin ring with the name of Jehovah. A large
meeting was in full operation not far from the place where
we were passing the night in less commendable pursuits;
and, judging from the fervency of the prayers,
declamations, singing, screamings, and glorifications,
salvation was being obtained in a very satisfactory
manner. The location of the camp was in the verge of the
Loosa Chitta swamp, at the termination of a long lane,
which extended from where we were.
The night was
waning away, but still the zeal of the
camp-meeting continued unabated, and bid fair to hail the
morning. We had also reached our wildest state of
excitement, and were consequently ready for any foolish
scheme or reckless undertaking. The proposal of one of
the most imaginative of the number, that we should
personify the fiery consummation which revelation tells us
shall terminate this world, met with unanimous and wild
approval.
Each man
furnishing himself with a flowing robe of
white, half the number — nearly thirty — carrying horns,
and the remainder large
turpentine
torches, we prepared to
make our descent upon the camp-meeting in the character
of the “Day of Judgment.” There was a large stray mule in
the stable yard of the tavern, and we cruelly impressed
him as a chief actor. By this time the religionists,
exhausted by their long-continued exertions, had sunk
into repose.
Saturating the
mule’s hide — which was long and
shaggy — well with turpentine and tar, all but his head
and neck, which we wrapped in a wet sheet, we led him to
the mouth of the lane and applied a torch.
Quicker than
lightning the fire spread over the body of
the devoted animal. With a scream of terror and anguish it
darted off up the lane in the direction of the camp, whilst
we mounted, with our long mantles floating behind us,
yelling like incarnate fiends, sounding our horns, and, our
many torches flashing like meteors through the night,
pressed on after it in hot and close pursuit.
On! on! rushed
the mule, the flames swelling
tumultuously on every side, eddying above the trees, and
lighting the darkness with a vivid, lurid gleam; fiercer and
faster than the dread tempest, carrying death in its track,
sped he on under the terrible infliction.
We had nearly
reached the camp-ground, when, as we
approached the plantation of the widow H., which lay
adjacent, we were discovered by an old negro, who,
seated on the flat roof of his cabin, had gone fast asleep,
watching through the long hours of the night, for fear that
the end of the world, and the day of judgment, might slip
upon him unawares.
Waking at the
critical time our hellish cortege
approached, he gazed a moment, with eyes stretched to
their utmost capacity, upon the rapidly nearing volume of
fire; then springing from the roof, he ran shrieking his
dolesome summons to the camp: “White folks riz! De
Laud be marsyful! De end of de warld an’ de day of
judgmen’ hab pass, and here cums hell rite up de lane!
Whoop! I love my Jesus! Master, cum!”
The meeting,
awakened from their slumbers by his
turmoil, rushed out, and when they too saw the
approaching fire-breathing mass, they believed with the
negro, that the day of judgment had passed, and
Pandemonium — hot at that — was coming with its awful torments.
Supplications
for mercy, screams of anguish, prayers
and blasphemies, horror-stricken moans of the converts,
the maniacal shouts of the conscience-stricken sinners,
and the calm collected songs of the really righteous,
swelled on the wind; mingled with the roaring of the
flames, our piercing yells, discordant horns, and the
horrible cries of the consuming animal.
The thousand
echoes of the swamp took up the sound,
and the wild-wood, if filled with screaming devils, could
not have given back a more hideous outcry.
On! on! sped
the victim — we in his train — in his haste
to reach the waters of the “Loosa Chitta” and allay his
sufferings. The stream was nearly reached; with ecstasy
the poor brute beheld the glistening waters; he sped on
with accelerated steps — one more spring, and he would
find surcease of anguish ’neath their cooling waves. But
he was destined never to reach them; he fell exhausted on
the brink, vainly endeavouring, with extended neck, to
allay his fiery thirst; as the flame, now bereft of fuel, sent
up its last flickering ray, the poor mule, with a low
reproachful moan, expired.
A RATTLESNAKE ON A STEAMBOAT.
SHORTLY before
the usual time for wending my way
North to the medical lectures, an opportunity was afforded
me by an ingenious negro, who had caught the reptile
asleep, of exchanging a well-worn blanket coat and two
dimes, — principally in cash — for as fine a specimen of the
Rattlesnake as ever delighted the eye or ear of a naturalist;
nine inches across the small of the back, six feet seven-
eighths of an inch in length, eyes like globular lightning,
colours as gaudy as an Arkansas gal’s apron, twenty-three
rattles and a button, and a great propensity to make them
heard, were the strong points of my purchase.
Designing him
as a propitiatory offering to one of the
professors, my next care was to furnish him with a fitting
habitation. Nothing better presenting itself, I made him one
out of a pine box, originally designed for shoes, by nailing
thin slats transversely, so as neither to exclude air or
vision, but sufficiently close, I thought, to prevent him
from escaping. The day for my departure arrived, and I had
his snakeship carried on board the boat destined to bear
me to V-, where I would take an Ohio steamer.
Unfortunately
for the quietude of my pet, on the Yazoo
boat was a young cockney lady, who, hearing that there
was a live rattlesnake on board, allowed her curiosity to
overcome her maiden diffidence sufficiently to prefer a
request that the young doctor “would make ’is hanimal
oller?” a process which the proverbial abstemiousness
when in confinement of the “hanimal” was accomplishing
rapidly without any intervention on my part. Politeness
would not allow me to refuse, and as it was considerable of
a novelty to the passengers, his snakeship was kept
constantly stirred up, and his rattles had very little rest
that trip.
The steamer at
length swung alongside the wharf boat
at V-, and transferring my baggage, I lounged about until
the arrival of a boat would give me an opportunity of
proceeding. The contents of the box were quickly
discovered; and the snake had to undergo the same
inflictions as the day previous — until, thoroughly vexed,
I made them desist, and resolved thenceforth I would
conceal his presence and allow him to travel as common
baggage.
“The shades of
night were falling fast,” as the steamer
Congress
came booming along, and, after a detention of a
few minutes for passengers, proceeded on her way,
obtaining none however except myself. The snake-box was
placed with the other baggage on the cabin deck in front
of the “social hall,”
jam up
, as luck would have it, against
one of the chimneys, making the location unpleasantly
warm. It was one of those clear, luminous nights in
autumn, when not a cloud dims the azure, and the heavens
so “beautifully blue,” (Alas! poor Neal,) are gleaming with
their myriad stars, when the laughing breeze lifts the hair
off the brow and presses the cheek with as soft a touch as
the pulpy lips of a maiden in her first essay at kissing. The
clear, croupy cough of the steamer was echoed back in
prolonged asthmatic strains from the dark woods lining the
river, like an army of cowled gigantic monks come from
their cells to see a steamboat. Supper was over, and the
beauty of the night had enticed the majority of the
passengers from the cabin to the open deck.
A goodly
number, myself amongst the rest, were seated
in front of the social hall, smoking our cigars, and
swapping yarns of all climes, sizes, nations, and colours.
Sitting a few
yards from me, the most prominent
personage of the group, smoking a
chiboque
, and regaling
the crowd with the manner in which he choked a “Cobra
de Capello” to death that crawled into his hammock in
India, was an old English sailor, who, from his own account,
had sailed over all the world, and through some parts of it.
Weighing the
words down with a heavy ballast of
oaths, he said he “wasn’t afraid of anything in the snake
line, from the sea serpent down to the original snake that
tempted Eve.” I asked him if he had ever met the
rattlesnake since he had been in America, thinking I would
put his courage to the test on the morrow.
“Seen a
rattlesnake? Yes, enough to sink a seventy-
four? Went to Georgia on purpose to kill them. Pshaw! To
think a man that had killed a boa constrictor, fair fight,
should be fraid of a little noisy flirt of a snake that never
grew bigger round than a
marlin spike
!”
At this moment
the boat was running a bend near in
shore, and the glare of a huge fire at a wood-yard was
thrown directly under the chair of the braggart, when, to
my utter amazement I saw there, snugly coiled up, the
huge proportions of my snake!
I was so
astonished and horrified that I could neither
speak nor move. I had left him securely fastened in his
cage, and yet there he was at liberty, in his deadly coil, his
eyes gleaming like living coals. The light was intercepted,
and the foot of the sailor moving closer to the reptile it
commenced its warning rattle, but slowly and irregularly,
showing it was not fully aroused.
“What is that?”
exclaimed a dozen voices.
The foot being
withdrawn, the rattling ceased before its
nature or source could be clearly traced.
” ’Twas the
steam escaping,” said one.
“A goose
hissing,” said another.
“The wind.”
“A trick to
scare the sailor,” thought a good many; but
I knew it was a rattlesnake in his deadly coil!
The horror of
that moment I shall not attempt to
describe; every second I expected to hear the shriek of the
sailor as the deadly fangs would penetrate his flesh, and I
knew if a vein were stricken no power on earth could avail
him, and I powerless to warn him of his danger.
“It sounded
monstrous like a rattlesnake!” observed a
passenger, “but there are no doctors or fool students on
board, and nobody but cusses like them would be taking
snakes ’bout.
“I was gwine up
the Massassip wunst when a
rattlesnake belonging to a medercal student on board, got
out and bit one of the passengers; the poor crittur didn’t
live ten minutes, and the sawbone’s ’prentice not much
longer I reckon.”
My hair stood
on end, for there was an earnestness
about the man that told me he was not joking.
“You did’nt
kill him, surely?” asked some one.
“Oh, no! we
did’nt ’zactly kill him, sich as cuttin’ his
throat, or puttin’ lead in his holler cimblin, for that would
have been takin’ the law inter our own hands; but we guv
him five hundred lashes, treated him to a coat of tar and
feathers, made a clean crop of one ear, and a
swallow-forked-slit-under-bit-and-half-crop of the other, an’
put him
out on a little island up to his mouth in water an’ the river
risin’ a plum foot an hour!”
Not knowing but
a similar fate might soon be mine, in
agony, with the cold sweat streaming over me, I listened
to this infernal recital of an instance of the summary
punishment termed “Lynch Law,” to which the
unavailability of the statute law so often drove the early
settlers, and which, unfortunately for the fair character of
the South and West, is not yet entirely abolished.
The sailor must
again have moved his foot closer than
agreeable to the snake, for his infernal rattling
recommenced, and this time clear, loud, and continuous
to
the tutored ear, indicating great danger, the prelude to a
fatal spring.
I shook off my
lethargy, and shrieked out, “Don’t move
for your life! a light! for God’s sake bring a light! Quick!
quick!” None moved — thinking I was jesting.
“Mister,” spoke
the sailor, “if it’s a trick to scare me,
you’ll miss the figure with your child’s rattle. Jes bring one
of your real rattlesnakes along, and I’ll show you whether
he can frighten an English sailor or not.”
Hearing me
calling so loudly for a light, the mate, a
stalwart Irishman, came running up with a large torch, but
hardly had he reached the deck, when he discovered the
monster — his head drawn back ready for striking.
“Snake! snake!”
yelled he, punching at him with his
glaring torch.
“Whereabouts,
you lubber?” said the sailor, still
suspecting a trick.
“Under your
feet.”
The sailor
looked down, and beheld the hideous reptile
directly under his chair. With a loud yell, he made but one
spring over the guards into the river.
“Rattlesnake!”
“Man
overboard!”
“Stop her!”
“Out with the
yawl
!”
“Fire!”
“Snake!”
“She’s
sinking!”
“Shoot him!”
“Snake!”
“Whose is it?”
“Lynch the
rascal!”
“Kill the
scoundrel!” swelled on the air, mingled with the
crashing of broken doors and chairs, the oaths and rushing
of terrified men, and the screaming of still more terrified
women, who knew not what to fear, while clear and distinct
above the infernal mel�e arose the piercing rattle of the
snake, who, writhing his huge proportions about, and
striking at everything near him, seemed to
glory in the confusion he had created.
A shot was
heard, and then the coil collapsed, and the
rattling slowly ceased. The snake was dead.
“Who brought
him on board?”
“Let’s lynch
the scoundrel!”
“Are there any
more of them?”
“Here’s the box
he got out of!”
My name was
on it in large capitals.
“Throw it
overboard!”
“Throw it
overboard!” I yelled out, “it may have more
in it, throw it overboard.”
No sooner said
than done, and as the only evidence of
my participation floated over the wave, no one was louder
in his denunciation, no one wanted to be shown — in
order that he might be lynched — the rascal that brought it
on board, more than I did, except, perhaps, it was the
sailor, who, now thoroughly humbled, stood shivering in
his wet clothes by the furnace, ready to acknowledge that
the “little, noisy flirt of an American snake, no larger than
a marlin’ spike,” was “some snakes” certain.
FRANK AND THE PROFESSOR.
IT wanted but a
few days of the commencement of the
lectures. Having procured a boarding-house, and
furnished myself with the necessary books and tickets, I
was sauntering over the city, amusing myself with the
many strange sights which pass unnoticed by the
denizens, yet have such an attraction for the grave rat just
emerged from the country, when I was hailed by a
Southern acquaintance
— a rattling, red-headed fellow, of
Irish descent; the proof of which, the tip of his tongue
always presented.
“How are you,
Tensas — when did you arrive — slayed
many the past summer? I brought them to their senses in my
section, certain; for the grand jury found a true bill against
me in thirteen cases for manslaughter. Let’s take a drink. Ha!
ha! I want to tell you of an occurrence that happened to old ——.
Bless his
sugar-loaf
head! if he’d only let
me left when I first wanted, I’d always hereafter write his name
without the first letter. You see, Ten, I had letters of
introduction for the old chap, and I thought I’d deliver them
early,
and get on his good side before the winter’s course of sprees
commenced.
I suppose you know, as he’s a widower, and writing a book,
and deeply in debt — to his Maker — that he lives up in
the college, and cooks his own victuals, and has quite a
retired life of it, as my uncle the postmaster remarked
about his own situation, when the department gave him
his walking-papers. Well, I went up
to his room when everything was quiet about the college,
thinking what a nice scientific disquisition we could have,
if the old gentleman, knowing I was a hunter, was to ask
me why the rings on a coon’s tail didn’t grow parallel to
the axis of its long diameter, instead of the short; or, to
which fowl did a young duck owe the most filial love — to
the duck that laid the egg, or the hen that hatched it? And
such like questions, worthy of being
lucubrated
upon by
great minds only.
“I found the
old gentleman very complacent and easy,
standing up in his night-shirt and making whiskey-toddy
in a teapot, whilst he gave the last touch to an
introductory oration for the P. T. S.
“‘Prof. ——, I
presume?’ said I, knocking at the door after
I had opened it — thinking, that as I had forgotten it at
first; it would be an imputation on Southern manners to
neglect it entirely.
“‘The same,’
said he, with the most perfect composure,
knocking his oration into the stove, upsetting his punch,
and leaving half of his subuculus on a nail as he jumped
into the next room; whilst I, pulling off my boots, and
finishing what little punch had not run out, told him not to
distress himself putting on his best clothes, or preparing
much dinner, as I had lunched very heartily.
“In a few
moments he returned, and seemed to be in the
best humour imaginable at the perfect homeability I was
surrounding myself with.
“Thinking him a
queer one, I resolved on making
myself as agreeable as possible, as I saw from the way his
face was screwed up he had the toothache badly and
needed comfort; so I asked him how long his wife had
been dead, and whether there was any truth in the report
that he was courting a widow on Fifth Street; also, if he
bought his
Irish whiskey by the gallon or cask; he apparently did not
hear these kind inquiries, but asked if I had not a letter of
introduction.
“‘True for
you, I have, and there it is,’ handing him a
fifty dollar bill; it belongs to me, and I’m Frank Mc——; take
the price of your winter’s jaw out of it, and we’ll see what’s
in town with the balance.’
“He got well of
his toothache in a moment. ‘Happy to
make your acquaintance; you’re from the southern swamps,
plenty of chill and fever there; permit me to read for your
critical attention a few pages I have written in my book on
the subject.’
“‘With the
greatest pleasure in the world,’ I replied; ’allow me to
subscribe
to your work; deduct it out of the
fifty.’ He commenced reading a description of a
Mississippi
agur,
and cuss me if it wasn’t so natural I
shivered all over; and the tears pop’t out of my eyes like
young pigeons out of a loft, when I thought of the last
shake I had in far distant Massassip, sitting on a muddy
log fighting the mosquitoes, and waiting for a steamboat
to bear me from her friendly bosom. You ought to have
heard him when he described the awful effects it had upon
our gals, developing their spleens, and bringing the
punkin to their blessed faces; there was a pathos in his
language, a tremor in his voice, soft as the warbling of a
he-dove before he pitches into a pea-patch.
“‘Then it is,’
he read, ’when the deleterious
emanations of the decomposing vegetation have
penetrated the inmost recesses and mysterious intricacies
of the corporeal constituents of the intellectual
inhabitants, that humanity instigates the benevolent
individual to mournfully and sadly deliberate over the
probable effects, after a perpetuity of continuance of such
morbific impressions.’
“I was
delighted at the grand simplicity of his expression,
and was giving my approbation too much vent, when
tap, tap, went something at the door.
“‘And even
beauteous woman,’ continued the
professor, ‘goes a’ — tap, tap — ‘whilst ever is heard’ — tap,
tap — ‘and nature assimilating’ — tap, tap — ‘mournfully weeps
over the silent’ — bom, bom, went the
outsider, growing impatient. ‘Bless me! who’s there? come
in,’ — and an hour-glass, the sand nearly out, was
substituted for the punch-bowl — ‘Come in;’ the door
opened, and gave admittance to what would have been a
handsome young woman, had the care in her heart not
written ‘at home’ so legibly on her cheek. ‘Take a seat,
ma’am.’
“‘I will call
again, professor,’ said I, rising.
“‘No, no, sir,
sit down, sir. Madam, how can I serve
you?’
“‘I am in a
great hurry, professor,’ I said again, seizing
my hat.
“‘No, sir, I
insist you must not leave. Madam, what do
you want?’ and the poor professor jumped from his seat to
the door, and from the door to his seat, asking, almost
sternly, ‘Madam, what do you want?’
“‘I’m a poor
widow, with a large family of children, and
hearing that you were a very charitable gentleman, and — ‘
“‘Professor, I
cannot stand this pitiable narrative.
Madam, there is some money for you. You must indeed
excuse me. I shall not be able to restrain my tears.’
“‘No, sir,
stay, I command you, I insist. Woman, what
do you want? in the name of virtue, what do you want?’
The widow commenced her piteous appeal again, when,
quite overcome, I rushed from the room, followed by the
voice of the ruined professor, who feared that his
reputation was for ever gone. ‘Woman, in the name of
Jehovah, what do you want?’
Poor Frank!
Death’s dark garniture hath clothed his
piercing eye; friendship and sorrow no more thrill his
heart, and the noisome worm revels in the home of high and
noble daring. He died! not on the sick-bed, with mourning
friends gathered around, but on the battle-field, fighting
for his country, on the victor soldier’s bed — the body of
his foe. And of all the warm leal hearts that were stilled,
of all the true spirits that floated up to God, from thy
glorious but bloody field, Buena Vista! silence fell not on
a nobler breast — not a truer soul went up than rose from
thy bosom, Frank — true friend of my early manhood!
THE CURIOUS WIDOW.
DURING my first
course of lectures I became a boarder
at the house of a widow lady, the happy mother of a brace
and a half of daughters, the quartette possessing so much
of the distinguishing characteristic of the softer sex, that I
often caught myself wondering in what nook or corner of
their diminutive skulls they kept the rest of the faculties.
Occupying the
same room that I did, were two other
students from the same section of country as myself, and
possessing pretty much the same tastes and peculiarities.
One thing certain we agreed in, and that was a detestation
of all curiosity-stricken women; for never were poor devils
worse bothered by researches than we were. Not a pocket
of any garment left in our rooms could remain unexamined,
not a letter remain on our table unread, nor scarcely a
word of conversation pass without a soft, subdued
breathing at the key-hole telling us we were eavesdropped.
Matters came at length to such a pass, and so
thorough became the annoyance, that nothing but the
difficulty of obtaining suitable accommodation elsewhere,
prevented us from bidding a tender adieu to the widow,
and promising to pay her our board bill as soon as our
remittances arrived.
As the evil had
to be endured for a while, at least, we
soon invented and arranged a plan for breaking her of her
insatiable curiosity, and making her, what she was in other
respects, a good landlady.
The
boarding-house was a large two-story frame, with a
flight of steps on one side, extending from the street to the
second story, so as to give admittance to the boarders
without the necessity of opening the front door or
disturbing the family when we came in late at night. It was
very cold weather, and our mess were busily engaged
every night until a late hour at the dissecting-rooms, and it
was during this necessary absence that the widow made
her researches and investigations. The subject that we
were engaged upon was one of the most hideous
specimens of humanity that ever horrified the sight. The
wretch
had saved his life from the hangman by dying the
eve before the day of execution, and we, by some process
or other, became the possessors of his body. Just
emaciated sufficiently to remove the fatty tissue, and leave
the muscles and blood-vessels finely developed, still he
was so hideous that nothing but my devotion to anatomy,
and the fineness of the subject, could reconcile me to the
dissection; and even after working a week upon him, I
never caught a glimpse of his countenance but what I had
the nightmare in consequence. He was one of that peculiar class
called
Albinoes
, or white negroes. Every feature was
deformed and unnatural; a horrible hare-lip, the cleft
extending half way up his nose externally, and
pair of tushes projecting from his upper jaw, completed
his bill of horrors. It was with him, or rather his face, that
we determined to cure our landlady of her prying propensities.
It was the work
of a few minutes to slice the face from
the skull, and arrange it so that from any point of view it
would look horrible. Having procured a yard of oilcloth,
we sewed it to the face, and then rolled it carefully up;
tying this securely, we next enveloped it in a number of
wrappers, fastening each separately, so that her curiosity
would be excited to the utmost degree before the package
could be completely opened. At the usual hour we
returned home, carrying our extra face along; not, however,
without many a shudder.
Upon entering
our room, we saw that the spoiler had
been there, although she had endeavoured to leave things
as near the condition she found them in as possible.
With a hearty
malediction upon all curious women, we
eat our cold snack, which the
kind-hearted widow — for,
despite of her being a widow, she was really kind-hearted -
always had awaiting our return, and retired to rest,
determined that the morrow’s night should bring all things even.
I endeavoured
to sleep; but that hideous face, which
we had locked securely in a trunk, kept staring at me
through its many envelopes — and when the cold winter’s
sun shone in at the casement, it found me still awake Nervous and irritated, I descended to
breakfast; and nothing
but the contemplation of my coming revenge prevented me from
treating the widow with positive impoliteness. Bless her
not-despairing-of-marrying-again spirit! who could keep
angry with her? Such a sweet smile of ineffable goodness
and spiritual innocence rested on her countenance, that I
almost relented of my purpose,
but my love-letters read, my duns made evident, my poetry
criticized by eyes to which Love would not lend his
blindness, to make perfect; and then — she is a widow!
My heart, at this last reflection, became immediately barred
to the softening influences of forgiveness, and I
determined in all hostility to face her.
The lectures
that day, as far as we were concerned, fell
upon listless ears, for we were thinking too much of what
the night was to bring forth, to pay much attention to
them. The day at last had its close, — I suppose father
Time, its tailor, furnished them on tick. It had been
snowing all the evening, and at supper we complained
bitterly, how disagreeable it would be walking to the
college, and working that night, and wished that we were
not dissecting, so that we might stay at home and answer
the letters we had received from home that day. “Business
could not be neglected for the weather,” was our
conclusion expressed to the widow; so after supper we
donned our dissecting-clothes, and putting the package
for the widow in a coat pocket, hung it up in a prominent
place, so it could be found readily. Telling the family we
would not be back until late, and making as much noise as
possible with our feet, so as to assure her we were going,
we left the house as if for the college.
We went no
further, however, than to the nearest
coffeehouse, where, by the time we had smoked a cigar,
we judged sufficient time had elapsed for the widow to
commence researches.
Returning to
the boarding-house, we pulled off our
boots and noiselessly ascended the outside steps, the
door at the head of which we had left open. There was a
short passage leading from it to the door of our room,
which we had left closed, but now perceived to be ajar.
Silently, as a doctor speaking of the patients he has lost,
we approached it, and, on peeping in, to our great
gratification found everything working as we had
desired. The widow had got the package out, and was
occupied in viewing it attentively from all sides, and
studying the character of the knots of the ligatures
embracing it, so she could restore everything to its
original condition, when her curiosity was satisfied as to
its contents. Having impressed its shape, and the
peculiarity of tie, well upon her mind, she proceeded to
take off the first cover, which was soon done, when a
similar envelope met her eye; this, after undergoing the
same scrutiny, was removed, when yet another met her
gaze; this detached, and still the kernel was unreached;
some six or eight were taken off, and at length she came to
the last, the oil-skin. Poor old lady! she has long been
where the curiosity of life never penetrates, and the
grandest and most awful mystery of our nature is
revealed; yet, I see her now, as the last envelope of the
mysterious package was reached, and when a gleam of
satisfaction shot like an erysipelatous blush over her
anxious face, as she saw the consummation of her long
expectancy approaching. There she stood, with
spectacles buried so deeply ‘neath her brows as almost to
appear a portion of her visage; neck — not of apoplectic
proportions — elongated to its utmost capacity; lips — from which
the ruby of youth had departed, — wide
disclosed, — showing what our swamp lands are famous
for — big gums and old snags; in fact, the embodiment of
woman in her hour of curiosity. Holding the package in
one hand and the end of the oil-cloth in the other, she
commenced unrolling it slowly, for fear some peculiarity of
its arrangement might escape her; her back was towards
the door, which we had nearly opened awide, and
anxiously awaiting the denouement it came at last, —
and never shall I forget the expression of that old woman’s
face as the last roll left the hellish countenance, and it lay
in all its awful hideousness upon her extended palm, — the
fiendish tushes protruding from the parted lips, — still
wearing the agony of the death-second, — and the eyes
enclosed in their circle of red, gazing up into hers with
their dull vacant stare.
Ay, but she was
a firm-nerved woman. If
metempsychosis
be a true doctrine, her spirit must have once animated,
in the chivalrous times, a steel-clad knight of the doughtiest
mould. She did not faint — did not vent a
scream — but gazed upon its awfulness in silence, as if her
eyes were riveted to it for ever.
We felt
completely mortified to think that our well-laid
scheme had failed — that we had failed to terrify her; when,
to perfect our chagrin, she broke into a low laugh. We
strode into the room, determined to express in words what
our deeds had evidently failed to convey; when, ere she
had become fully aware of our presence, we noticed her
laughter was becoming hysterical. We spoke to her
— shook her by the shoulder — but still she laughed on,
increasing in vehemence and intensity. It began to excite
attention in the lower apartments, and even in the street;
and soon loud knocks and wondering exclamations began
to alarm us for the consequences of our participation. We
strove to take the fearful object from her, but she clung to
it with the tenacity of madness, or a young doctor to his
first scientific opinion. “She is gone demented!” we
exclaimed; “we had better be leaving” — when a rush up
the steps and through the passage, cut off our retreat, and
told us the daughters and crowd were coming; but still the
old lady laughed on, fiercer, faster, shriller than before. In
rushed the crowd — a full charge for the room, impelled by
the ramrod of curiosity — but ere she had time to discover
the cause of the commotion, or
make a demonstration, the widow ceased her laughter,
and, putting on an expression of the most supreme
contempt, coolly remarked: — “Excuse me, gentlemen, if I
have caused you any inconvenience by my unusual
conduct. I was just smiling aloud to think what fools
these students made of themselves when they tried to
scare me with a dead nigger’s face, when I had slept with a
drunken husband for twenty years!” The crowd
mizzled
and we, too, I reckon, between that time and the next up-heaving
of the sun.
THE MISSISSIPPI PATENT PLAN FOR PULLING TEETH.
I HAD just
finished the last volume of
Wistar’s Anatomy ,
well nigh coming to a period myself with
weariness at the same time, and with feet well braced up
on the mantel-piece, was lazily surveying the closed
volume which lay on my lap, when a hurried step in the
front gallery aroused me from the revery into which I was
fast sinking.
Turning my head
as the office door opened, my eyes
fell on the well-developed proportions of a huge
flatboatsman who entered the room wearing a
countenance, the expression of which would seem to
indicate that he had just gone into the vinegar
manufacture with a fine promise of success.
“Do you pull
teeth, young one?” said he to me.
“Yes, and noses
too,” replied I, fingering my slender
moustache, highly indignant at the juvenile appellation,
and bristling up by the side of the huge Kentuckian, till
I looked as large as a thumb-lancet by the side of an
amputating knife.
“You needn’t
get riled, young doc, I meant no insult,
sarten, for my teeth are too sore to ‘low your boots to jar
them as I swallered you down. I want a tooth pulled, can
you manage the job? Ouch! criminy, but it hurts!”
“Yes, sir, I
can pull your tooth. Is it an
incisor, or a
dens sapientiæ? one of the decidua, or a permanent
grinder?”
“It’s a sizer,
I reckon. It’s the largest tooth in my jaw,
anyhow, you can see for yourself,” and the Kentuckian
opening the lower half of his face, disclosed a set of teeth
that clearly showed that his half of the alligator lay above.
“A
molar
requires extraction,” said I, as he laid his
finger on the aching fang.
“A molar! well,
I’ll be cus’t but you doctors have queer
names for things! I reckon the next time I want a money-puss
a molear will be extracted too; ouch! What do you ax
for pulling teeth, doc? I want to git rid of the pesky thing.”
“A dollar,
sir,” said I, pulling out the case of
instruments and placing a chair for him.
“A dollar!
dollar h-ll! do you think the Yazoo Pass is
full of kegs of
speshy ? I’d see you mashed under a
hogshead of pork ‘fore I’d give you a dollar to pull the
thing;” and picking up his hat, which he had dashed on
the floor on his first entrance, off he started.
Seeing some fun
in store, I winked at the rest of the
students, whom the loudness of our conversation had
called from the other rooms of the capacious office, and
requested the subject to return.
“It’s no use,
stranger; I’d squirm all day fust ‘fore
I’d give you a dollar to pull every tooth in my head,” said he.
“Well, Mister,
times are hard, and I’ll pull your tooth for
half a dollar,” said I, determined, if necessary, to give him
pay before I would lose the pulling of his tooth.
“You’ll have to
come down a notch lower, doc I wants
to interduce Kaintuck fashions on a Southern sile; and up
thar, you can get a tooth pulled and the agur ‘scribed for,
fur a quarter.”
“Well, but
recollect, it’s harder to pull teeth here than it
is in Kentucky.”
“Don’t care a
cuss; dimes is plentyer. I don’t want to be
stingy, though, doc, and I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I feels
sorter bad from eatin’ a mud-cat yesterday. I’ll gin you a
quarter to pull my tooth, if you’ll throw in a dose of
castor ile.”
“It’s a
bargain,” said I. “I couldn’t possibly afford to
do it so low if I didn’t manufacture my own oil, and pull
teeth on the ‘Mississippi patent plan,’ without the least
pain.”
“Well, I’se
struck a breeze of luck, sure, to get it
‘stracted without hurtin’, for I ‘spected it would make all
things pop, by hoecake.” And “all things did pop,”
certain, as the poor devil found to his sorrow, before the
“Mississippi patent plan” was over.
The room in
which we were was the operating one of
the office, where patients were examined, and surgical
operations performed. It was furnished with all the usual
appliances of such an establishment. In the middle of the
room, securely fastened to the floor by screws, was a large
arm-chair, with head-board and straps, to confine the body
and limbs of the patient whilst the operator was at work, in
such cases as required it. On either side of
the house, driven into the wall, were a couple of iron bolts,
to which were fastened blocks and pulleys, used when
reducing old dislocations, when all milder means had
failed. The chair, pulleys, and a small hand-vice were the
apparatus intended to be used by me in the extraction of
the Kentuckian’s tooth, by the “Mississippi patent plan.”
The patient
watched all our preparations — for I quickly
let the other students into the plan of the intended joke —
with great interest, and seemed hugely tickled at the idea
of having his tooth pulled without pain for a quarter, and a
dose of castor-oil extra.
Everything
being ready, we invited the subject to take
his seat in the operating chair, telling him it was necessary,
agreeably to our mode of pulling teeth, that the body and
arms should be perfectly quiet; that other doctors, who
hadn’t bought the right to use the ‘patent plan,’ used the
pullikins, whilst I operated with the pulleys. I soon had him
immoveably strapped to the chair, hand and foot.
Introducing the hand-vice in his mouth, which, fortunately
for me, was a large one, I screwed it fast to the offending
tooth, then connecting it with the first cord of the pulleys
and intrusting it to the hands of two experienced assistants,
I was ready to commence the extraction. Giving the words,
and singing, “Lord, receive this sinner’s soul,” we pulled
slowly, so as to let the full strain come on the neck bones
gradually.
Though I live
till every hair on my head is as hollow as
a dry skull, I shall never forget the scene.
Clothed in
homespun of the copperas hue, impotent to
help himself, his body immoveably fixed to the chair, his
neck gradually extending itself, like a terrapin’s emerging
from its shell, his eyes twice their natural size, and
projected nearly out of their sockets, his mouth widely
distended, with the vice hidden in its cavity, and the
connexion of the rope being behind his cheeks, giving the
appearance as if we had cast anchor in his stomach, and
were heaving it slowly home, sat the Kentuckian, screaming
and cursing that we were pulling his head off without
moving the tooth, and that the torment was awful. But I
coolly told him ’twas the usual way the ‘Mississippi patent
plan’ worked, and directed my assistants to keep up their
steady pull.
I have not yet
fully determined, as it was the first and
last experiment, which would have come first, his head or
the tooth, for all at once the rope gave way, precipitating,
without much order or arrangement, the assistants into
the opposite comer of the room.
The operating
chair not being as securely screwed down
as usual, was uptorn by the shock of the retrograde
motion acquired, when the rope broke, and landed the
Kentuckian on his back in the most distant side of the
room; as he fell, he struck the side of his face against the
wall, and out came the vice, with a large tooth in its fangs.
He raged like one of his indigenous thunderstorms, and
demanded to be released. Fearing some hostile
demonstration when the straps were unfastened, we took
occasion to cut them with a long
bowie knife . He rose up,
spitting blood and shaking himself, as if he was anxious to
get rid of his clothes. “H—l, Doc, but she’s a buster! I never
seed
such a tooth. I recon no common fixments would have fotch
it; but I tell you, sirree, it hurt awful; I think it’s the last
time
the ‘Mississippi Patent Plan’ gets me in its holt. Here’s a
five-dollar Kaintuck bill, take your pay and gin us the
change.”
Seeing he was
in such good humour, I should have
spared him, but his meanness disgusted me, and I thought
I would carry the joke a little further. On examining his
mouth, I suddenly discovered, as was the case, that I had
pulled the wrong tooth, but I never told him, and he had
too much blood in his mouth to discover it.
“Curse the
luck,” I exclaimed, “by Jupiter I have lost
my bet. I didn’t break the infernal thing.”
“Lost what?”
inquired the patient, alternately spitting
Fout blood, and cramming in my tobacco.
“Why, a fine
hat. I bet the old boss that the first tooth I
pulled on my ‘Mississippi Patent Plan,’ I either broke the
neck of the patient or his jaw-bone, and I have done neither.”
“Did you never
pull a tooth that way before? why, you
told me you’d pulled a hundred.”
“Yes, but they
all belonged to dead men.”
“And if the
rope hadn’t guv way, I reckon there’d bin
another dead man’s pulled. Cuss you, you’d never pulled
my tooth if I hadn’t thought you had plenty of ’sperience;
but gin me my change, I wants to be gwine to the boat.”
I gave the
fellow his change for the five-dollar bill,
deducting the quarter, and the next day, when endevouring
to pass it, I found we had both made a mistake. I had pulled
the wrong tooth, and he had given me a counterfeit bill.
VALERIAN AND THE PANTHER.
I HAD just
returned from attendance on my first course
of medical lectures. Although not a graduate, I had all the
pruriency of a young neophyte, and felt very desirous of
an occasion wherein my
Esculapian
acquirements
could be exhibited, from call, visit, patient, disease,
diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, to cure; or else
ominously and sorrowingly murmur to the bereaved
friends who are taking the measure — “if he’d only sent for
me sooner!” I wanted a case, the management all to myself,
from comma to period, white, black, old, young, maid, wife,
widow, masculine, feminine, old bachelor, or Indian, I cared
not which; a patient was what I wanted, and the shape in
which it would come, however questionable, I was
indifferent to. The country adjacent to the village where I
was studying, is, on two sides, swamp of the vilest,
muddiest nature imaginable, with occasional tracts of fine
land, generally situated on some bayou or lake; frequently
an “island” of tillable land will be found rising out of the
muddy swamp, accessible to footmen or horse only, when
the river is within its banks, varying in size from fifty to
two hundred acres; and, wherever existing, generally
occupied by a small planter. Every farmer in the South
is a
planter, from the “thousand baler” to the rough,
unshaved, unkempt squatter, who raises just sufficient
corn and cotton to furnish a cloak for stealing the year’s
supply.
A few hours’
ride from town was one of these islands, “
pre-empted” by a man
named Spiffle, whose principal
business was to fatigue him devising ways and means to
live without work. He would have scorned to hoe an hour
in his corn patch, and yet would not have hesitated a
moment to pursue a deer or bear for days, with all the
indefatigability of a German metaphysical philosopher
studying an incomprehensibility. But hunting deer and
bear, though it brought more sweat and fatigue in an hour
than the hardest day’s work, was sport; so was drinking
whiskey, and between the two, Jim Spiffle had little time to
extend the limits of his demesnes, or multiply the comforts
of his household circle, wherein a wife and a dozen
children attested Jim’s obedience to scripture.
It is a sultry
day in June, and I am about describing the
external appearance of Jim’s pre-emption. A small patch of
green and waving corn, surrounded by a brush fence, save
where it is eked out, by the side of an antiquated log-cabin,
with a dirt chimney, around whose top the smoke is lying in
dense heaps, too lazy to curl; one or two bedraggled hens,
by noisy cackling, are endeavouring to inform the mistress
that their diurnal recumbencies are consummated — whilst
the cock of the walk, desirous of egging them on to
increased exertions, struts majestically before them, waving
one feather, constituting his tail, and seriously meditates a
crow; but when he reflects that the exertion of flapping his
wings must premise, contents himself with a low chuckle of
admiration. An old hound, mangy and blear-eyed, is intent
upon a deer’s leg; and, as he gnaws its tough sinews, tries
to delude himself into the belief that it is a delectable morsel
from the ham. A boy of some thirteen winters, in full dress
swamp costume (a short, well-worn shirt), rifle in hand, at a
short distance from the house, is endeavouring to allay the
mental and bodily disquietude of a fox-squirrel, so that they
both may be on the same side of a chunky gum, up which
the aforesaid squirrel, on the approach of the incipient
Nimrod, had incontinently retreated. Spiffle, jun., sneaks
round to the south side, but “funny” hangs on the north,
east, and west — back to the north and south, all in vain!
All the points of the mariner’s compass are traversed, but
still the cunning squirrel evades his foe, who, venting his
malediction, finally retires from the pursuit, muttering,
“Cuss you!F I was only going through the motions; the rifle
ain’t loaded!” The lord of the soil, extended to his full
proportions, is lying on a
log, beneath a shady bush; a branch of which is bent
down and so ingeniously arranged, that when the breeze
moves, it will scratch his head; his mouth is full of tobacco -
and as he sleeps, true to his nature, his right hand is
busily engaged stealing a couple of dimes and an old jack-knife
out of his own pocket; his jaws are relaxed, and the
huge, well-chewed quid gleams beautifully dark from the
profundity of mouth; a gentle titillation on his lips half
arouses him, and, champing his jaws with an emphasis, his
waking senses are saluted by the yell of his eldest born,
who, on the failure of his squirrel enterprise, finding dad
asleep, had made an heroic attempt to hook his sire’s quid
out of the deep abyss. The poor boy pays dearly for the
attempted larceny — three fingers hanging by mere shreds
of skin, are the attestations of his dad’s strength of jaw.
The scream of the poor devil, and the boisterous grief of
the miserable squatter, who, though the “Arab” of the
swamp, has still a father’s feelings, brings from the cabin a
form which, begrimed with dirt, and haggard with
premature age, would scarcely be taken for the best of
God’s works — a woman — but such she was; and her
tears and outcries also gave evidence that she, too, amidst
the heart-hardenings of poverty, contumely, and
lowliness, had still gushing up in her heart the pure waters
of love.
“Lordy
grashus!” she cried; “you have ruined the
child! Oh! how could you do it? You, a man grown, and
him, your own son! Oh, Jim!”
“‘Twasn’t my
fault, Betsy,” answered poor Jim
“ ‘twasn’t my fault! Oh! what must I do? He’s gwine into
‘vulshuns.”
“Jump on the
critter and git the doctor!” said Betsy. “Quick, Jim! Oh, Lordy!
only twelve children — and to lose
one of them!” and the poor mother sobbed as if
her heart were rending; whilst Jim, jumping on a better
horse than befitted his circumstances, made all haste for
town, whither he arrived about dinner-time — and dashing
up with frantic haste to the office-door, yelled out, “Doctor!
oh, doctor! I’ve bit my son’s hand off, and he’s
dying, sarten! Come, quick! dear doctor! that’s a good
old hoss! — oh, do!”
But the “good
old hoss” not responding to his
appeal, he dismounted, and rushed in, repeating his cry.
“What’s the
matter? what’s the matter? who’s sick?”
said I, rushing in from a back room — one book open in my
right hand, and a ponderous tome under my left arm.
“Oh! young
doctor, where’s the old man? I’ve bit my
son’s arm off, and he’s gone into ‘vulshuns, and I
want the boss to come right out.”
“He’s gone into
the country, and won’t be back before
night,” replied I. “Did your boy’s arm bleed much?” —
not reflecting on the absurdity of a man biting a boy’s arm off.
“Bleed! Yes,
all three stumps bled like a stuck deer.”
“Three h-lls!
Spiffle, you’re drunk! How could you
bite off three of his arms?”
“Oh, doctor! I
meant his fingers; he put them in my
mouth when I war asleep. Sens the old man’s out, doctor,
you must go. Jes’ save his life, doc, and you’ll never want
vensun or a good trout-hole while I’m in the swamp! Be in
a hurry, that’s a good fellow.”
The chance was
too good to be lost — a surgical and
medical case combined — amputation and convulsions.
What could be more opportune?
Telling Spiffle
I would go as soon as I got some medicine
suitable to the case, I put near
half a peck
of
valerian
in my coat pockets, and an ounce vial of
prussic acid
in my
vest; some
calomel, assafoetida, lint, and
adhesive plaster,
completed my preparations, and I was ready for business.
The horse I intended to ride was a favourite one of the old
doctor’s, but one which, accomplished equestrian as he
was, he dare not back, except when the visit lay over some
old beaten road; and as for riding him through the devious
path of the swamp — one moment on the horse’s neck to
‘scape an impending limb, the next with the body at a right
angle, to avoid a gnarled and thorny tree —
now on one side, now on the other, and again on both — wading
the backwater, jumping logs, swimming the dark
and sullen slough, or with feet raised to the pommel to
clear the cypress-knees, which on every side, as the path
would cross a brake, obtruded their keen points, ready to
impale the luckless wight who there might chance to lose
his seat; to ride “
Chaos” midst such paths as these, the
old doctor, I have said, would never have dreamed of
doing, and, most assuredly, had he been at home, would
not have allowed me to undertake; but such a ride, with its
break-neck peril, chimed well with my youthful feelings,
which pursued the same reckless course that the heart’s
current of the medical student has run in, from the time
when “Chiron” was a “grave rat,” to the Tyro of
yesterday, who is looking in the dictionary for the meaning
of “artery.”
With all the
seriousness naturally to be elicited by a
responsible mission, I mounted Chaos, and started at a
speed that beplastered the skeleton houses on each side
of the way with mud, heaving a delectable morsel, as I
passed the “
doggery,” full in the mouth of a picayune
demagogue, who, viewing the political sky with open
mouth, was vociferating vehemently on the merits of his
side. “Hurrah for -,” he had just ejaculated, when the
substance,
which perhaps assisted in composing an antediluvian
megathaslopsyolamagosogiam, or, possibly, “imperial
C�sar,” hit him “vim” in the patent orifice. Cleaning his
throat, he spluttered out, “Cuss the country, when a man
can’t holler for the feller that he likes best; but the heels of
every ‘prentice saw-bone’s horse must fling clay in his teeth!”
But Chaos
heeded him not; imagining I was for a jaunt
over his usual road, he gave way to only sufficient
movement to indicate his mettle; but when the end of the
street was reached, where the roads diverged, one
pursuing its upward course over the towering hills — the
first from its source that steal down to gaze upon the
wavelets of the
“
dark Yazoo
— the
other unobtrusively
stealing its way a few hundred yards, and then yielding its
being ‘neath the placid waters of a bright-eyed lake. Seeing
me turn to the latter, the noble horse gave a joyous neigh,
and seemed to be imbued with a new life as he viewed the
waters stretching far away into the forest, until wave and
leaf were melted into one; and as he thought of the wild
luxuriance of a hidden dell, gemmed with a glistening
spring, the memory of which came floating up, fraught with
the enjoyments of a month’s pleasure the year gone by,
when, disdaining the stable, he had sought the forest, and
there, cropping the herbage, and roaming in all the wild
luxuriance of freedom, forgot he was a slave, until the
insidious wiles of Spiffle restored him to his owner.
Oblivious,
apparently, of my weight, he sprung into the waters,
and soon — dashing his beautiful head until the spray
covered me with delicious coolness — breasted the sleepy
lake; and when his feet struck the firm ground, like the
fawn from the hunters, away he sprang up the narrow
path, which pursued its tortuous way like a monstrous
snake, amidst the nodding grass and fragrant spicewood,
and old trees, fantastically interweaving their limbs.
But little
cared my courser for those old trees, clothed
with moss, with the shadows of their arching boughs the
pathway thrown across; he heeded not the verdancy
beneath the eye displayed, nor the gorgeous summer
mingling of the sunshine and the shade; the gentle voice
of
Eolus, as dallying with the grove, came breathing gentle
symphonies, but not on him it wove the spell of soothing,
subdued thought, such as the feelings haunt, when its
tones renew the memory of a long-forgotten chant. With
eye of dazzling brightness, with foam upon the breast, with
mane back flaunting on the air, and proud erected crest;
with champing bit, and eager bound, and earth-disdaining
tread, and air, as if o’er battle-fields victoriously he sped.
Soho! Soft, Chaos! Quiet! Soho!
“Which way now,
Spiffle?” said I, as the path
appeared to cease at a clear, deep, narrow “slough,” full
of cypress “knees,” which did not come to the surface,
but seemed some few inches under.
“Right across,”
was the answer.
“What! through
those shoots? Why there’s not room
enough between them for a dog to swim, let alone a
horse,” said I.
“You’d be
mighty out of breath ‘fore you got through
with the job, doc, if you tried to swim ‘tween them, seein’
as thar ten foot under. I war fooled here myself for mor’n a
year; I’d take a
‘bee’
for home, an’ come to this slew, an’
then have to head it, on ‘count of the neas; ‘till one day I
got on a ‘bust’ in town, an’ my critter got loose and struck
for home. I tract him up to whar we is, and here they stopt -
the trax and me I mean; but on t’other side I seed them,
and I knowed he must have swum. I war clean bothered to
know how he got
over without leaving some of his innards on the neas, —
so I tuck a stick and puncht at one of them that war near
outen the water, to see if it war a real cypress nubbin. I
missed it clear, and kerchunk I went head foremost ‘mongst their
sharp points. Oh, my ‘viscera!’ I yelled;
but I’ll be cust if I toch a nea; they war
ten foot under, and thar they stay, and thar they ‘tend
stayin’, for they ain’t grown a lick sens that time, and that
war so long ago, that the next day I seed the fust
steamboat that kum up the Yazoo skare an old buck to
death, makin’ him jump so fast that he sprung plum
through his skull, and the last I seed of him, as he floated
down the river, his head had hung on his lines, and one
ear on each horn war fluttering his dying elegy.”
By the time
this veracious anecdote was over, we had
crossed the slough, and a ride of a few miles brought us to
the cabin of my patron, who, now elevated with whiskey,
had lost his paternal solicitude, and giving way to the
garrulity of the drunkard, was making revelations
concerning his past history, which, if true, and he had his
dues, would have swung him higher than “Barn Poker,” of
Coahoma, when the regulators were out.
I found my
patient doing very well, Mrs. Spiffle having
sent, before my arrival, for one of those knowing old
dames who match “ ‘sperience agin book larnin’,” and
detract so considerably from the physician’s income. The
old lady, fortunately for the boy, had had sufficient
knowledge of surgery to replace the fingers and apply
bandages.
Whether it was
my naturally prepossessing phiz, or my
ready acquiescence in the correctness of her treatment,
that softened the old dame, I know not; but she appeared
to take to me monstrously; and, after having had her mind
satisfied as to my name, natality, and genealogy,
she reciprocated intelligence, and, untying the scrap-bag
of memory, proceeded to make a patch-quilt for me, of a
case that resembled the one we were ministering to.
“Short arter I
had kum from Georgy to Mass-ass-sip, a
nere nabur — Miss Splicer — had a darter — Miss Spiffle,
you had better gin Boney another sup of the sheep safurn
— doctor, you said you had no injections to it — what
made a slide one day, and ‘lowed her dad’s axe to fall on
her foot, cutting her big toe clean off as sarcumstances
would permit. It bled ‘mazinly, and the gal hollered out till
her mammy, who war splittin’ — his throat, Miss Spiffle, a
spoonful at a time — rails at the far end of the clearin’ (for
she was a monstrous ‘dustryus woman, Miss Splicer was),
heard the rumption and came to the house, lumbrin’ over
the high logs like a big bull in — a little more whiskey in
mine, Miss Spiffle, if you please; what a pity it is that your
husband drinks — a small pastur’ in the worst of fly-time,
as she told me arter, thinking some of the town-boys
had got hold of the gal.
“When she got
there and seed the blood, and the toe
excavated off, a-trying to keep time with the stump which
war quiverin’ in the air, like the gal had the “skitters,” she
memorized what a doctor had told her to do in such cases — to
displace the parts and heal them up by the fust
contention; so she slapt the toe on the foot agin, an’ tide a
rag on tight, an’ put the gal to bed. Well, everything went
on monstrous nice — scat! Miss Spiffle, the laws-a’massy!
that cat’s tail come mity nigh toching his hand; and
‘twould never got well — an’ in ‘bout two weeks, Miss
Splicer axed me to come over and sister her getting the rag
off, as she hadn’t been informed that far, for her husband
had got drunk and run the doctor off jist arter he had
showed her how to put the thing up for healin’.
“Well, I went
over, and arter soaking her — stumak, Miss
Spiffle, put the goose grease on his stumak — foot in hot
water, I peeled the rag off; and the Lord be marsyful to a
sinful world, fur I seed the toe had grown fust-rate fast,
but the poor ignerant creetur of a mother had put it on
with the nail turned down, and the poor gal’s dancing
were ‘ternally spiled.”
Telling the
people that I would not return unless they
sent for me, and the sun being low, I mounted my horse
and dashed off for home. Coming to a fork in the path, I
took the one I thought I had come in the morning, and
gave myself no further concern about the road.
I mentioned
that I had filled my pockets with Valerian
on leaving home, and on this simple thing depended two
lives, as the sequel will show.
It is a root,
when fresh, of a powerful and penetrating
odour peculiar to its species; permeable things, by
remaining in contact with it, become imbued with its
characteristic odour, which they retain for a considerable
length of time. The root possesses great attraction for the
cat tribe, who smell it at a great distance, and resort to it
eagerly, devouring its fragrant fibres with great apparent
relish. The panther of our continent is closely allied to the
domestic cat, susceptible, like it, of taming, active,
treacherous, and cunning, — only in proportion to its
increased size, resembling it in its tastes, and like it,
fearless when aroused by appetite or hunger.
I had proceeded
some distance, when it began to appear
to me that the path I was travelling was not the one by
which I had come in the morning, but as it was some miles
back to the fork, and as far as I could judge, I seemed to be
going in the right direction, I determined to proceed. So,
cheering myself with a song, I tried to banish disagreeable
reflections, and persuade myself that
some recognised object would soon assure me I was in
the right track.
It was now near
sunset, and, in despite of my
endeavours to the contrary, I was becoming somewhat
anxious, as a gloom was already settling over the swamp,
when, to my joy, I found myself upon the bayou or slough,
whose illusory appearance I have noted. Not remarking
that the path, instead of crossing, turned up the bank, I
gave my horse the rein and he sprang into the stream; but
what was my dismay, when I found, by the struggling of
my poor steed for releasement, that I was mistaken in the
slough, and that in this instance, the proximity of the
“knees” to the surface was no illusion. He had fortunately
become wedged between two of the largest, which
sustained his weight, and saved him from being impaled
upon those beneath. I had nothing in the shape of a cutting
instrument, except a small penknife which, under the
circumstances, could afford me no aid. Dismounting in the
water, by main strength I released my horse, and, as the sun
withdrew its last lingering ray from the topmost boughs of
the trees — jaded, wet, and exhausted — we stood in the
midst of the swamp, on the banks of an unknown slough,
without food, fire, or weapon — lost! lost! lost! I could form
no idea where I was, and go as I would, it would be haphazard if
I went right, and the probabilities were that I would
have to spend the night in the drearisome place.
I soon
discovered that it was losing time and gaining
nothing to stand there. So I determined, as I was mightily
down in the mouth, my course should accord with my
feelings, so down the slough I started.
The land, as
far as I could see, was uniform low swamp,
subject to the annual inundations of the Mississippi. The
height to which the waters usually attained was several
feet above my head on horseback, which made it more
favourable to me, as the frequent submergings had in a
great measure destroyed the undergrowth, and thus
facilitated passing between the trees. I would not have
cared for the night jaunt, had I only known where I was,
and whither I was going; but the uncertainty made my
feelings very disagreeable, and I mentally vowed that if I
got home that once, Spiffle, Sen., might chew up Spiffle,
Jun., inch by inch, before I would come out to stop it.
I sped on as
fast as I dared, the darkness growing
profound, and my anxiety — I will not say fear — increasing
every moment. An unusual stillness rested over the
swamp, unbroken save by the tramp of my horse; not even
a frog or chichado was to be heard, and the wind had
assumed that low, plaintive wail amidst the leaves, that
never fails to cast a melancholy shadow over the heart, and
awaken all the superstitions of our minds. I was musing
over the sad fate of an intimate friend who had recently
come to an untimely death, and reflecting how hard it was
that so much youthful ambition should perish, such a
glorious sun go down shrouded with darkness whilst it yet
was day, when the ominous silence was broken by a
sound which, God grant, I may never hear again. Like a
woman’s shriek, in the damning anguish of desertion and
despair — lost and ruined — was the long, piercing scream
of the Panther, whose awful yell palsied my heart, and
curdled the blood within my smallest veins. Again and
again it arose, filling the solemn aisles of the darksome
swamp, till echo took up the fearful sound, and every tree,
bush, and brake, gave back the hellish, agonizing shriek.
It was
evidently approaching us; my poor horse trembled like
an aspen beneath me, and seemed incapable of moving. Again,
still nearer — the fierce and harrowing
scream fell on my shrinking ear; and I knew the animal was
upon my trail. Shaking off the lethargy into which I was fast
sinking, I struck my horse, and, twining my hands in his
mane, lay down on his neck, letting him go as he wished, as
I did not know which way to guide him. With a snort of
terror he sprung off with a speed that seemed miraculous,
through the darkness and trees. I flattered myself that the
rate at which we went would soon distance the panther;
when, God of heaven! it arose more piercing and shrill, still
nearer than before. I began to despair, as I had no weapon,
save the pen-knife; and the animal, I knew, was one of the
fiercest nature — why else did he follow for my blood? (I
never thought of the valerian.)
The speed of my
horse, with the fearfulness of my
situation, made me half delirious, and my thoughts began
to wander — colours of all hues, shapes, arabesque and
fantastical, danced before my eyes. I imagined that I was in
the midst of a well-contested battle, and in the wavering
fight, and covering smoke, and turmoil of the scene, I
caught the emblem emblazoned on the banner of my foe,
and it was a panther couchant. Making an effort to draw
my sword, my hand came in contact with the vial of prussic
acid in my vest pocket with considerable force. This
aroused me; and, taking it out, I determined to commit
suicide, should the panther overtake me — preferring to die
thus, to being devoured alive.
Again and again
the awful scream of the infuriated
animal arose, and fell like the weight of a mountain on my
trembling frame. Nobly my gallant horse strove to save me;
he required not the whip or spur; I gave him a word of
encouragement, and the animal, — which we term a
brute, — returned a low, whining neigh, as if he wished me
to understand that he knew my danger, and
would all in his power. I looked up as the horse suddenly
increased his speed, and found, to my delight, that we
were in the right track; I imagined I could almost see the
lights in the windows — but this I knew could not be. It
was pleasant, however, to think that I was going home,
and that if my horse could only keep ahead a few miles
further, we would be safe; when — hist! — ha! ha! was it
not enough to raise the laugh? I heard the scream of the
panther not two hundred yards behind, and could almost
hear his feet as they struck the ground after his leaps. He
seemed to be rejoicing over his approaching feast — his
screams arose fiercer — shriller — more horrid than before.
The heavens gave back the sound — it was caught by
every breeze — echoed from every dell; a hundred
discordant voices joined in the infernal melody, while the
loud neigh of my horse, as if for help, framed itself into a
panther’s shriek. I strove to breathe a prayer; but my
parched tongue clove to the roof of my mouth, and what I
uttered served but to add to the damning chorus of hellish
sounds. I tore the neck of my poor horse with my teeth, to
incite him to greater speed; but my time had come. Again I
heard the panther’s scream, so near that it pierced my brain
with its acuteness. I heard his spring, as he threw himself
over the lowermost boughs of the trees, and shrank within
myself, momentarily expecting him to alight, with his sharp
teeth in my heart. The thought occurred to me, as, looking
ahead, I really beheld the town lights glimmering — if I kill
my horse, may not the panther be satisfied with his
blood,
and allow me to escape? There was reason in it; and,
though a pang shot through me as I thought of sacrificing
the noble animal who had borne me on thus far, yet the love
of life overcame all scruples. With my penknife I felt carefully
for the carotid artery, and, when it was found, plunged
the blade in, inflicting a small but deadly gash. Giving a
terrible spring, the hot blood gushing all over me, he ran
as none but a noble horse, in the agonies of death, can
run, and then, with a low, reproachful moan, fell dead;
whilst I, disengaging myself, at a full run strove to make
my escape.
I heard the
yell of the panther as he reached the horse,
and as he stopped I thought myself safe; but not so long:
for again his fierce scream came ringing o’er the air, and I
was too well aware of the habits of the animal not to know
that when the quarry is being devoured, their voice is still.
Suicide by poison, or a more awful death, were all that was
now left me. I heard the rapid leap of the panther, yelling at
every spring. I uncorked the vial, and was raising it to my
lips, when, as if by inspiration, came the blessed thought,
that when the panther seized me, to pour the
instantaneous poison down his throat. I uttered a low,
deep prayer to God, and for one, who, if she had known
my peril, would have sought to die with me, and then
bracing myself firmly against a tree, with the vial clenched
in my right hand, awaited the deadly foe. I heard his shriek,
saw a huge form flying through the darkness, felt a keen
pang in my shoulder, and then, pouring the acid in the
mouth of the panther, fainted.
When I
recovered consciousness the moon was shining
in my upturned face, and the huge form of the dead
panther was lying by my side, with the pocket holding the
valerian firmly clenched in his teeth.
SEEKING A LOCATION
IT was my
intention, after graduating, to return and
locate myself in the small town where I had studied my
profession; but “circumstances,” which exerted such a
powerful influence over a late unsuccessful aspirant for
political honours, exercised a like power upon me.
The death of my
preceptor, whilst I was absent attending
my last course of lectures, left a vacancy in the profession
at home, which was speedily filled, as far as numbers went,
by a horde of new-comers. So I found I would have to
encounter, if I settled there, a greater competition, without
the assistance I calculated deriving from him, than my
slender means and already embarrassed finances qualified
me to meet. Besides, locating among those who had known
me from boyhood, the probation I would have to undergo
before I secured their full confidence would be more
severe, and of much longer duration, than if I had landed in
their midst a perfect stranger. The transition from the boy to
the man, and from the mischievous student to the grave,
serious physician, is so gradual and imperceptible, that our
old and intimate acquaintances do not realize it; and when
they should know us as doctor they still give us our
youthful appellatives, and regard us as boys. When I
landed at home, proud of my new-fledged honours and “sheepskin”
as a young mother of her first babe, I had, on
meeting my former acquaintances, to fling my memory back
to the eventful examining period to convince myself that I
was really a “doctor of medicine;” for every one, even
down to the
children, called me “Madison” as before, and none of
them seemed a moment to consider that a title, the
acquisition of which had cost — both mental and
pecuniary — as much as mine, should be occasionally used.
In despite of
these disadvantageous circumstances, and
my own disinclination, it was the opinion of some few
friends, to whom I deferred greatly, that I had better locate
there; so procuring an office, and having my name and title
emblazoned on a sheet of tin, which I securely fastened to
the door, I shook off gaiety and the dust of my feet at the
lintel, and with a ponderous tome, and anatomically
painted skull before me, took my seat at my small green
baize coloured table, to await cases and patients.
I recollect
distinctly, as no doubt every young
professional man does in his own case, my sensations
upon the first few days succeeding the setting of my trap,
when I was constantly upon the look-out for some victim
approaching the bait.
I tried to
address myself to the volume before me, but
my busy imagination had turned architect, and was
erecting air-built tenements of the most magnificent and
gorgeous nature.
“Calls”
innumerable flitted through my brain. Fevers,
from simple intermittents to congestive, were awaiting my
curative dispensations; whilst a trumpeter stood ready to
peal forth my triumphs to the world, and a quiet,
unobtrusive grave, to cover the unsuccessful.
I had just
performed a surgical operation, never before
attempted, of the most difficult and dangerous character,
upon the “President,” with the happiest results. The
medical world was ringing with my name; and even the
trading community, partaking of the general enthusiasm,
mingled me in their thoughts, and spoke of my wonderful
scientific achievements in the same breath that told of the
rise or decline of stocks, and a slight improvement in the
price of cotton. And the ladies, too — God bless them! that
their approving smiles sow the seeds of ambition in many
hearts; ay, even the soft, tender-lipped lady, made me a
theme of conversation, when her daily allowance of characters
had been torn to pieces, and scandal palled the
tongue.
Edinburgh and London
were striving which should
obtain my services, as professor in one of their world-renowned
institutions; and the crown was moving from the
brows of Esculapius to my own; when — hark! “ ‘Tis the
cathedral pealing my triumphs!” “Listen how the solemn
chant comes pouring up the mysterious aisle!” Pshaw! “ ‘tis the
supper-bell;” “a little negro ringing ‘Jim along
Josey.’”
I wrapped my
cloak around me as if to shut out all the
world, and strode off moodily to my supper, mad at myself
for having yielded to my fancy, and almost allowing it to
lead me astray.
One day passed
without a call — six days died of
marasmus, and never the first
patient crossed the threshold of
my office. I could see other physicians hurrying by,
attending to their numerous calls; some of them as
youthful as myself; but, happily for them, they had the
impress of the exotic, whilst I was indigenous to the soil. I
sat in my lonely office, and could hear, as the busy noises
of the town died away, and night allowed care to come on
the face, which, through the garish day, had striven to
appear mirthful, the hurried step of the messenger
from the sick; but they never stopped at my door — but on,
on by, till distance had eaten up their clanging tread. Mine
is a temperament which, exalted to almost delirium one
moment, sinks into proportionate depression the next; and
even the short space of a week without employment made
me down-hearted, and assailed me
with continual despondency. My debts, contracted
through the long years I had devoted to my profession —
for malicious tongues had estranged my preceptor almost
from me before his death, and determined me to repay him
for all his pecuniary expenditures — knocked continually
against the door of my honour, and often, as I heard the
saw and hammer of the artisan ringing through the town, I
almost cursed the mistaken kindness of my friends, which
had made a professional man of me, and wished, like the
mechanic, I could go forth and earn my sweet and honest
bread by the hot sweat of my brow.
By chance I
learned that a good location for a young
physician presented itself in the Louisiana swamps. To
resolve to seek it, to communicate my resolution to my
friends, to obtain the necessary letters of introduction, and
take passage on a steamer bound for Vicksburg, where I
would have to reship, was the work of a few hours.
The
contemplated location was a short distance in the
interior of the parish of Madison, and my next destination
after arriving at V—— would be Milliken’s Bend, where I could
obtain a horse and explore the country.
Just at
sunrise, a steamer of rather slender dimensions
and shabby appearance, came creeping along to V——. As it was
the first upward-bound boat that had arrived, a crowd of
passengers, who were there awaiting one, rushed on board
to secure a passage, myself among the number. Ascertaining how
long she intended remaining there, which was but a short
time, I thought I would have time to go up town and
purchase some articles which I required,” and had nearly
forgotten; I procured them, and heard, as I descended the
levee, the boat ringing her last bell; hastening my steps, I
jumped on board just as she
was pushing out. On going up in the cabin, I found to my
surprise that I was the only passenger. She had
brought none to Vicksburg, and of all the crowd who
rushed on there, none had remained save myself.
There was a
mystery about the thing that I could not
fathom, and did not endeavour very hard to penetrate; for
my future was a sufficiently impenetrable enigma to employ
all my penetration. Attributing the absence of passengers
to the poor accommodations that were visible, I gave
myself no further thought about the matter, but taking my
cigar, ascended to the hurricane-deck, and there seating
myself, gazed abstractedly out upon the waters, and gave
myself up to my reflections. They were of a mixed nature;
joy and sorrow, pride and shame, struggling for the
mastery through all my recollections, and making too many
compromises with each other for a spirit that strove to be at
peace with itself.
There, in the
same bold, impetuous torrent, coursed the
majestic “Father of Waters,” as it did ten long years ago,
when the doctor, who was ascending it, seeking for a home
amidst strangers — his heart care-worn and filled with
anxiety, descended its current — a scullion.
My pride was
gratified to think that I had risen as it were
superior to my station and opportunities, and, from a
scullion, had become a member of an honourable
profession; and that, too, ere the beard had come on my
face, or years twenty-one stamped me a man.
We were within
two miles of the “Bend,” when, as I
descended from the upper deck, being partly hidden by the
wheel-house, I heard one of the officers remark to the
captain, in a laughing tone, “I wonder if that young fellow
up on the deck there, would smoke his cigar so
unconcernedly if he only knew he was seated over twenty
thousand kegs of powder?”
I almost
slipped overboard in my surprise. Twenty
thousand kegs of powder! Jehovah! how much of
Madison Tensas, M. D., would be left, I wonder, after that
quantity of explosive material had ignited under him? One
of the finest instances on record of molecular
disintegration would be presented, I expect. This explains
why the passengers left so summarily. I must get out of this.”
“I believe I
will go ashore, captain; there is where I
want to land,” pointing to a house at least two miles below
the “Stores.”
The boat
landed; and, after getting ashore, I did not
cease running until I got considerable space and a large
tree between her and myself. The crew, suspecting from
my movements that I had discovered the nature of their
cargo, gave vent to a hearty peal of laughter, with which
sounding in my ears, I gained the high-road. And this was
my first introduction to the state of my future adoption.
Having a letter
of introduction for the principal
physician clan in the “Bend,” I slung my saddle-bags over
my shoulder, and trudged along through the mud to his
house, the direction of which I obtained from a passer by.
Upon presenting
my letter to Doctor J——, I was received
with as much kindness and consideration as if I had been
a magnate of the land, rolling up in my carriage and four,
instead of a poor young doctor, saddle-bags on shoulder,
seeking a home in the swamp.
Thine was a
good, kind welcome, Doctor Tom, and the
“Swamp Doctor,” I assure you, often recurs to it with
pleasure. Thine was the first stranger’s hand, in my
adopted state, that I pressed, and found, ere it had
unclasped its pressure, that I held a friend’s. Thine was the
first roof in this land of hospitable homes that sheltered
me; and oh! thy hands compounded the first
julep which
for long, long months had ecstasied my lips, thou has to
answer to old D——e for the apostacy of one of his chosen
disciples; and though I have felt contrition for the fall, yet I
forgive thee, Doctor Tom, cheerfully I forgive thee. Would
that one sat before me now, as I write in my lonely bachelor
den, the skies obscured with darkness, the rain pattering
against the casement, the single bed looking so cold, so
cold, and the December blast whistling through the chinks
of the logs; would that I had one now! winter as it is,
though it were heaped with ice, if it came from thy hands,
thy warmth of heart would impart to it some of its cordial
fire, and kindle up a genial glow within my frame. Though I
were thrice a Son of Temperance, I could not refrain from a
julep of thy mixing, and though my lips might murmur, my
heart would not dictate, “Deliver me from temptation.” Oh!
what a glorious barkeeper was spoiled when they made you
a doctor, Doctor Tom!
After partaking
of a cold snack, it not yet being the
dinner-hour, mounted on a horse which the doctor loaned
me, I obtained the necessary directions, and turning my
back on the Mississippi river, struck into the interior, in
search of the contemplated location.
The settlement
to which I was destined, was situated on
a small river which, singular to relate, as I had never heard
of any member of my family having ever lived there, bore
the same name as myself, being called the “
.”
Looking upon this coincidence of names as a good omen,
an assurance at least that I would meet one acquaintance
or kinsman there, I surrendered my mind to a renewal of my
day-dreams of future professional success and distinction,
and disregarding a proper notice of the road, suddenly
awakened and found myself lost — the road having given
out in a cypress brake.
To resolve to
return was one thing, to do it another,
for the timber roads so crossed and interlaced each other
that I frequently found myself returning to the same point
in the “brake” from whence I started. Well, thought I, I
hope my future lot will be a verification of the old adage,
that a “bad beginning makes a good ending,” for mine is
bad enough. I wandered about several hours, occasionally
dismounting to assist my horse out of some slough
wherein he had bogged, and was about to give it up as a
bad job, when I had the good fortune to find a road, which,
being over knee-deep in mud, and dotted with the bones of
deceased oxen, I judged to be the main highway, which
conjecture I soon verified on meeting a traveller. After
proceeding a few miles I reached Eagle Lake, which it was
necessary to cross in a shallow ferry flat. Here an accident
occurred, which came near preventing these pages from
ever being written. The current was running very strongly
from a small bayou into the lake, and as we approached the
shore, suddenly striking the flat, it impelled it with
considerable force against a tree, which the high water had
submerged for ten or twelve feet. I was standing in the bow
of the flat, holding my horse by the rein, and the shock
nearly prostrated us both. Before I could recover, the horse
plunged overboard. I would have been dragged with him to
almost certain death, as I could not swim, had not the ferry-man
caught me, and released my arm from the rein. The
steed swam to shore, and after a short time suffered himself
to be mounted. Matters, so far, I must confess, had not
impressed me very favourably with the country — first to be
lost in a cypress brake, and then my life placed in jeopardy,
looked rather like discouraging treatment; but I had
determined to bear up against everything, and if these were
the heaviest misfortunes I had to encounter, to laugh at care.
Just as the sun was setting I reached the “Tensas,”
striking it at the “point,” to the owner of which, Mr. C——,
I had a letter of introduction. He received me very
hospitably, and was profuse in his offers of assistance,
both by employing me himself, and favourably
recommending me to his friends.
The night
passed off, and the next morning Mr. C—— and
myself started to visit the other families to whom I had
letters of introduction and recommendation; not two
hundred yards from the house, it became necessary to
cross what was called the “Island shoot.” The current was
running swiftly, and it was nearly swimming. My
companion, better acquainted with the passage, forded it
safely; but in following, my steed got astride of a
submerged log, and down we both went, head and ears,
under the muddy waters. I determined, if possible, not to
dissolve the union between horse and rider, and therefore
held on to him, and at length he scrambled out. I was
thoroughly drenched, but I knew at the outset it would
never do to appear to mind such an accident before an “old
swamper,” like Mr. C——, and therefore joined him in his hearty
laugh at the dolesome plight of myself and horse. To make
the matter worse, I had only the suit of clothes I wore along,
and was constrained to borrow a change of apparel. I am
above the average size, and both Mr. C—— and his overseer
were considerably under; so a proper appreciation can be
had of the nature of the fit. Laying off my cloth, I donned
a suit of “swamp broad-cloth,” — yellow linsey — which
clove to my proportions as if it were an integral portion of
my frame. This time we had better luck crossing the “shoot,” and
after spending the day, visiting the neighbours,
and making arrangements for securing the practice, we
returned to the “point.” My unique appearance created a
good deal
of mirth and remark during the day; but as I laughed with
the loudest, ridicule was soon despoiled of his shaft, and
my indifference at what would have affected the majority
of young men, very sensibly raised me proportionately
high in the opinion of the “swampers.”
The
encouragement I had received, I thought sufficient
to warrant me in locating there; so the next morning I
started, on my return, to procure a horse, and have my
books and medicines brought to my new home. The
settlement I designed locating in, was a very new one, the
majority of the residents holding their lands merely by
pre-emption claims, little of the country having been offered
for sale by “Uncle Sam.” There was but one frame house
in the whole settlement, the dwellings with that exception
being composed of logs, some with the bark yet on them,
others of split trees, whilst a few, by their squared
appearance, gave evidence of the broad-axe, and a greater
degree of refinement in their occupants.
Fortunately for
me, as I thought at the outset, but
unhappily, as the sequel proved, the most influential, or
rather the most numerous portion of the settlers of my
destined locality, were all of one family, or otherwise
closely connected. Being originally from Virginia, they had
all the proverbial clannishness of that highly favoured face,
and the mortal upon whom one of the “set” smiled was
immediately sneezed upon with favour by the rest. They all
eat with the same tastes, and used the same pair of
spectacles to view men and measures. They were a hardy,
vigorous, industrious set, and, divested of their foolish
clannishness, irreproachable. The first year, I was a small
saviour with them; the second, having aroused the ire of
one of them, the whole clan were as strenuous to break me
down, as the year before they had
been solicitous to advance my interests; but the “Swamp
Doctor” had grown beyond their reach. But I anticipate,
and must return.
The lands
composed of rich alluvial, deposited by the
turbid waters of the Mississippi, and protected by
embankments termed “levees,” ungratefully thrown up to
keep out the very cause to which the country owed its
existence. Whenever the levees proved insufficient, or
happened to break, chickens and garden-tools fell to a
discount, and ducks and cat-hooks rose to a premium.
The tillable
land, varying in breadth from one hundred
yards to several miles, lay upon the water-courses, which
ramified the surface of the country, and formed, when
swollen by rains or overflow, a perfect network of watery
communications. The land between the tillable or cane
ridges, was low swamp, almost quagmire, never
thoroughly dry, and almost impassable nine months out of
the year.
In the height
of summer the country appeared to a fair
advantage, surpassing any in the world for producing the
great southern staple but at the time I first visited it, not
expecting company, it had on almost its worst garb. The
mud was nearly saddle-skirt deep in the roads, and the low
lands utterly impassable.
I thought that
never yet did country merit its name so
well as it; the whole of the Louisiana bottoms being
indiscriminately known as the “swamp,” and people, male
and female, termed “swampers.”
The appearance
of the country would have disgusted
and deterred many from settling, but it had the promise of
being a sickly one, and highly suitable for a doctor — and
such was the locality I sought; besides, I was certain of
making a support, and to accomplish that, I would have
submitted to any and all privations.
I returned
safely to the “Bend,” and being careful in
my selection of a boat this time, to see that she had not a
government contract for transporting powder, arrived at
my former home, and commenced making preparations for
a speedy return to my adopted “swamp.”
In a few days,
I had concluded my arrangements, and
without a sigh or a tear of regret turned my back on my
student home, and sought my new location, which I
reached without further adventure.
CUPPING AN IRISHMAN.
DURING my last
year’s attendance on the lectures, I
became the inmate, for the purpose of walking the wards,
of a certain
marine hospital,
situated on a certain western
river — of which Randolph has recorded his opinion —
where the patients receive — paradoxical as it may seem —
the kindest, yet the grossest treatment imaginable.
There were four
or five brother “Rats” besides myself
residing in the hospital, all candidates for graduation, and
consequently all desirous of obtaining sufficient medical
lore to prevent us from being thrown higher at the “ides of
March.”
Never
before — at least by any of us — was such
assiduity displayed; so much mental pabulum devoured;
so many of the latent energies of studiousness called into
play, as then. No case, however disgusting, was put in the
objective; no symptom, however trivial, obscure, or
mysterious, could pass unnoticed; and the proudest soar
of the bird of Jove would have passed unheeded, had a
sore of another description occurred coincidently. Fingers
which the previous session had never been employed in higher
surgery than forking a sleepy chum, or picking
needlepoints out of a pretty seamstress’s hand, now
gracefully adapted the pliant bandage to the fractured limb,
or drew the ruby with the lancet keen. No longer the sweet
vision of midnight oyster-suppers illumined the mental
horizon, obscured by the listening to of six long lectures
daily. No longer at the “wee short hours ayant the twal”
was our Ganymede summoned to evoke the spirit of the
whiskey jug. No longer musingly reclining did we watch the
airy genii of the best cigar, borne up heavenward on the
curling chariots of their consuming earthly tabernacles. No
longer — pshaw! to comprise the whole, we were studying
for our degrees, preparing for the opportunity of passing
our opinion on the question, “Whether the sheepskin of a
young graduate, applied to his back, would be a
contiguous or a continuous membrane?”
Among the rest
was Charley L——,” a young fellow of
considerable talents — well aware, by the bye, of their
possession — who having heard of my reputation for
cupping, was not long in bantering me to a trial of skill,
having some pretensions that way himself.
“Tensas,” said
he one night, when we had all
assembled in the apothecary’s shop of the establishment,
to compare notes and discuss the day, “do you think you
could cup an Irishman?”
“Cup an
Irishman!” repeated I, “yes, or a Dutchman or
an eel, or a buck running, or a streak of slow lightning, or
any thing that wears four square inches of skin. But why
do you ask, Charley?”
“Why, I tried
to-day, and it took me so long, and was
not well done at that, that I got in late to old D——’s lecture,
and he looked as sour at me as if he had caught one of the
vice presidents of the P. T. S., drinking something stronger
than water.”
“Well, just
show your Irishman to me, and if I don’t
scarify and cup him in ten minutes I’ll treat — that is, take
notes for the whole crowd to-morrow.”
“I’ll give you
half an hour, and you can’t do it — scarify
and put twelve tumblers on him. I’ll bet you a box of cig -
hem — give you choice of subjects at the next raising.”
“Done! when
shall the trial come off?”
“Right off;
everything is ready, Irishman and all.”
In the medical
ward at that time was an Irishman,
evidently not long caught, whose greatest disease, from
all external indications, was poverty.
The weather
being very inclement, and the hospital
having the reputation of keeping up good fires, and
feeding its inmates pretty well, Pat took an idea into his
head that he would lay up within its friendly walls during
the severity of the winter; so going to the mayor of the
city, whose benevolent heart never allowed him to refuse
an applicant for the city’s charities, he obtained by his
piteous representations and obvious want, a hospital
permit, and was, in consequence of it, soon snugly
ensconced.
Having the
faculty of bending one knee, so that no
efforts could straighten the joint, he came in as a case of
chronic rheumatism, and manfully the rascal stood the kind
exertions to relieve him, so as to deceive the most
experienced, and cause the putting of him down in the
books as one of the “incurables.”
Charley,
however, having fine opportunities of investigating
the case, had his suspicions aroused as to the
reality of Pat’s disease, and, determining to settle the matter,
selected him as my cupping subject.
“Boys,” said
he, “I believe Pat’s shamming; suppose
we tell him that
old D——
has directed him to be scarified
and cupped, and Tensas can apply the remedy!”
“Agreed!” said
all with one voice. Filling a tray with
tumblers and a bottle of alcohol, we proceeded in a body
to the ward where the victim was placidly reposing.
Seeing us
approach with all the apparatus for “making a
night of it,” Pat imagined he was going to be put on a more
stimulating course of treatment, and his eyes fairly
glistened, and his leg was, if possible, drawn still more
closely to his body as he took a mental view of his
situation; no work, good lodgings, pleasant medicine,
liberal diet, and at last, to cap the climax of his earthly
felicity, the pure “Crame of the Valley.”
“Well, Pat, my
boy, how do you rise to-night?”
“Faith, an’
good troth, young docthurs, like Inglan’s
tare for the ould counthry’s misry, I don’t rise at all at all -
not aven the laste bit; here is me stretched on me back like
a
nagur, unable to work for my
praties, or a wee drap of the
crathur, ochone! ochone!”
“Don’t you
improve any? Can’t you walk a bit?”
“Shure, not a
bit! How am I to travel when my fut is
bent up to where a rich man’s boot shakes hands with a
puir man? ochone! Its ‘frade I am I’ll be always here, instid
of warkin’, an’ drinkin’, an’ votin’, an’ bein’ a fray-man, as
me
muther was to the fore.”
“I hope not,
Pat,” said I, desirous of bringing the
conversation to a close, “old D—— has directed me to cup
you, and that is what has brought us up.”
“Cup me, is it?
Well it’s ready I am — shure an’ have
been for the long time; make it strong with the whiskey;
bless the ould man, I tould him the other day, when he
was prachin’ the could wather, that a good strong cup
would cure me as well!”
Great was Pat’s
consternation when be found that the
tumblers, from which arose the odoriferous scent of the
alcohol, were to go on him, instead of their contents going
in him. He would have demurred, but he saw the
uselessness of the attempt, and therefore assented to the
operation with rather a lank visage, I must confess.
I soon repented
the wager, and wished myself well rid of
my bargain; the rascal had perfect command of the muscles
of his brawny chest, and no sooner would a cup be
exhausted and applied, than with a sudden contraction of
the muscles, he would send it, with a simmering noise,
rolling to the distant side of the bed. I tried every way, in
the usual manner, to make them retain their hold, but the
task was fruitless; occasionally one would flatter me it was
going to remain, but scarcely could I give my attention to
the other side, when off it would come. The half hour
wanted but ten minutes of being out, and the cups were
still unapplied. I became almost desperate, and called up
two long-nailed Kentucky nurses, and made them hitch
their fingers in the folds of the integuments on either side,
so as to hold the muscles tense until the cups could
adhere. This plan bid fair to answer, and the jeerings,
remarks, and shouts of laughter, at my apparent
discomfiture, which had greeted me in that unusual place
for mirth, somewhat subsided; one minute of the allotted
time was left, and but one cup remained unapplied. Up to
this time, the steward of the hospital had been waiting
upon me, pouring the alcohol, with which to exhaust the
cup, from a tumbler nearly full into an empty glass, and
then turning it out, he would hand it to me, and by the time
it was applied have another ready; but one remained, as I
have said, and I was waiting for it, when Charley, who had
a finale for his test which none of us anticipated, suddenly
substituted for the empty glass, the one nearly full of pure
alcohol; suspecting no such trick, and there being no time
for critical examination, I stuck the candle to it, and essayed
as the blaze burst out,
to apply it up on the Irishman’s breast. With a rushing,
roaring sound, out burst the flaming liquid all over the poor
devil’s body.
With a loud
scream, amidst the roars of involuntary
laughter which attended his advent, Patrick gave a spring
nearly to the ceiling, and dashing like fragile reeds the
sturdy men who were holding him to the floor, amidst the
cries of fire! fire! curses in Irish, loud and long, and the
crash of the shivering tumblers, as he shed himself of
them, took refuge in a large bathing-tub full of water,
which, fortunately for him, stood in the ward.
The shouts of
fire alarmed the whole hospital, and here,
pell-mell, came the patients to see where it was. Forms
emaciated by
consumption rustled against others
distended by
dropsy. Four forms lay mixed up in the hall,
and all of them could only muster up two pairs of legs, a
pair and a half of eyes, and four arms. It was as though a
false alarm had been given by
Gabriel, and only a partial
resurrection had taken place.
In one of the
upper apartments was a private patient,
labouring under the disease indifferently known as the
blue-devils, red-monkeys, seeing injuns, or man-with-the-poker,
or rather that mysterious individual had succeeded
in overtaking his victim, and awful licks, to be sure, he was
giving. His delirium was, that he was an alligator, and that
there was a blood-thirsty minnow determined on taking his
life at all hazards. Great were his struggles to preserve
himself, requiring the constant presence of two keepers to
restrain him from self-immolation.
Hearing the
shouts of fire from below, they, acting on
the conservative principle, left their patient, and sought
safety in flight, not long unfollowed by the drunkard, who
proceeded down stairs, until he came to the ward from
whence the shouts of laughter had not ceased to issue.
The door being open, in he marched, presenting a fearful
aspect — nearly naked, his eyes blood-shotten, and
glaring with the light of delirium, his teeth clenched, with
the lips drawn apart, a slight foam resting on them, blood
dripping from a wound in his forehead, and brandishing a
huge medical appurtenance, acting on the principle of the
force-pump, and familiar to children on a small scale.
Seeing Pat in
the tub, the cynosure of all eyes, the man
with the red-monkeys took an idea that he was the
identical minnow aiming at the vitality of his alligatorship,
and this would be a good opportunity of killing him off.
With a loud
yell, he sprung towards poor Pat, who,
perfectly bewildered, let him get nearly on him, before he
thought of getting out of the way.
“Hould him!” he
yelled, “the crathur’s gone clane out of
his head! Holy jabers! hould him! He’ll be afther the killin’
me!”
But no one
having time, or showing a disposition to
interfere, he found he would have to bestir himself in his
own behalf, and the biggest tracks, and the fastest, and the
more of them, were made by the man who, previous to the
time, had not moved a step for months. Through the long
hall, down the double steps, out of the yard, and over the
commons he went, yelling at every jump, whilst the “man
with the poker’s” friend, perfectly satisfied at the result,
fish-like squatted down in the tub, and then quietly
suffered himself to be led back to his room.
BEING EXAMINED FOR MY DEGREE.
READER! have
you ever taken a shower-bath of a cold
winter’s morning? or felt a snake crawling over you whilst
in bed? or tried to sleep with a deadly fight awaiting you in
the morning? or tried to unite the oil of your nature with the
agua pura of a chattering damsel, and found no alkali to
effect the union — in other words, popped the question
and been — refused? or swallowed poison, and no stomach-pump
about? or slept with a man with the small-pox? or
tried to write, with a couple of gabbling widows in the next
room? or run for a political office? or shook hands with
the itch? or been without a friend or dollar, thousands of
miles from home, and a
catch-pole after you for your tavern
bill? or had the toothache? or — think of the most uneasy,
miserable melancholy, dolesome action, sensation,
occurrence, or thought of your life. Read of nothing for two
weeks but earthquakes, famines, bankruptcy, murders,
suicides, and distress in its blackest form: work on your
imagination until you feel yourself labouring under all
these combined misfortunes, and perhaps then you may
have a slight appreciation of how a young
grave rat
feels
just before he is
examined for his degree. Examined, too, by
seven old dried-up specimens of humanity, who look as if
they had descended for the occasion from some anatomical
museum, and who have looked on death, suffering, and
annual ranks of medical aspirants, until they have about as
much softness of heart as the aforesaid preparations.
The first
course of medical lectures the student attends,
is generally distinguished by his devotion to everything
but his studies. At the commencement of the lectures he
purchases a
blank-book, for the ostensible purpose of
taking notes of the lectures; but unwittingly his fingers,
instead of tracing the
chirographical characters, are
engaged in caricaturing the professor, who is endeavouring
to beat into his and a few hundred kindred heads, the
difference between a dirty Israelite and the ‘nasty moses of
an artery. He devotes the midnight hour to dissecting -
pigs-feet, grouse, and devilled bones, or the delicate
structure of the epicurean oyster. He strengthens his voice
by making the short hours of the night-clad street alive
with the agreeable annunciation, especially to nervous
invalids and sick children, that he “will not go home till
morning.” He astonishes the professor of chemistry when
lecturing upon electricity, by placing a few pounds of
powder in communication with the machine, and blowing
the laboratory to atoms, when the experiments are going
on. He forms a pleasant surprise for his landlady by
slipping into the dining-hall when the meats are on the
table, and slyly inserting a dead baby, stolen from the
dissecting-room, under the cover, in place of the abstracted
pig, producing a pleasant sensation when discovered, and
giving a good appetite to the boarders. He puts
quick-lime
into the young ladies’ puff-box, and gives them a wash of
lunar causticto allay the irritation. He and the janitor go
halves in raising game-cocks, and the expenses of a whole
winter’s lectures are often bet on a main. There is
always
some medical book that he wishes to purchase, of course
very expensive — and to obtain which he is always writing
home for money to parents or guardian. John Smith suffers,
and always appears in the police reports, when the first
course student is put in the watch-house, and let off by the
kind-hearted mayor next
morning, on paying fees and promising to amend. To sum
up the whole, the first course, with few exceptions,
conducts himself in such a manner, that but little injustice
is done him when he is classed with free negroes, rowdies,
and low-flung draymen. But the second course — phew!
what a change comes over the fellow! You would think, to
see him, that when he was born, gravity and soberness
had given up the ghost, and their disembodied spirits
found a carnal habitation in his cranium.
He now
endeavours, by unremitting attention, to
retrieve lost time, and impress the professors favourably in
his behalf, for he is now a candidate for graduation, and he
dare not go home without his degree. His care-clad face is
now seen on the foremost bench, listening with a painful
absorption, and taking voluminous notes in a book —
not the only thing bound in calf-skin in the room, by long
odds — and always asks, with the utmost deference, long
explanations on some favourite theory of the lecturer, so
dazzlingly original, that he did not perfectly understand it,
so bewildered was he by admiration. He smells of the
dissecting-room, and takes occasion, when in the presence of the
professor of anatomy, of jerking out his
handkerchief, and with it the half cut up hand of a subject.
He eschews tobacco, whiskey, and women, joins the
physiological temperance society, and collects facts for a
forthcoming work of the professor of practice. He is a
strong vitalist with “Old Charley,” and lies-big
with the
Liebigian follower of acids and alkalies. He presents the
pelvis of the female that obeyed the Lord’s ordinance
twenty-six times in ten years, to the professor of
observations, and has a faculty of making himself generally
useful to the whole faculty. I, to return to particularities,
had followed after the manner of first coursers, and
would
have been a fac simile of the candidate, or second
course
student, had
it not been for my habitual laziness, and perhaps an
overweening confidence in my natural powers of
impudence to push me through. I had had one or two
fights the previous session, in the college, which brought
me favourably, of course, before the notice of the faculty,
as a quiet, studious gentleman, and removed all doubts
from my mind of my having a safe and honourable
passage. I held a high head, but was confoundedly
frightened, and often wished that I were not an aspirant for
the privilege of being a hired assassin, a slayer, without the
victim having a chance to hit back. Many, I say, were my
misgivings, as I saw the
ides of March,
the time for
examination, approach, that my want of medical lore might
knock me higher than the green baize of medicine could
cluster — and yet, never was poor mortal better entitled to
write M. D. after his name than I, miserable devil as I was.
But fear would not keep back the evil day. The bell
sounded for class T to go up and be examined, and away
we went slowly, as to a summons for pistols and coffee for
two, with feelings resembling those of a gambler who has
staked his whole pile, and found at the call that he has
been bluffing up against a greenhorn with “three
white aces.”
We were to be
examined in separate rooms; our class,
consisting of seven members, by as many professors,
fifteen minutes being allotted to each professor in which
to find out the qualifications of the candidate.
I hare already
indicated the course I intended to pursue
in my examination — impudence and assurance a
new method for a candidate, and might succeed where the
old plan would be nearly certain to fail.
Entering
boldly, without knocking, the room of one of
the professors, who, being a
superannuated widower,
affected youthfulness very much, and prided himself very
much, like a
Durham stock raiser, on the beauty of his
calves, to his dismay I found him arranging a pair of
elaborate false ones, which showed a great disposition to
work around to the front of his spindle-shanks. I had him
dead for his vote, sure. I held the calves, whilst he adapted
them to their places, and smoking a cigar during his fifteen
minutes — he congratulated me upon the progress, he had
often remarked, I was making in my studies, and at the
expiration of his time, as he conducted me to the door,
assured me he would vote for me, adding, “by-the-bye,
Tensas, you needn’t mention anything about the calves.”
Well! here’s
one vote, sure; would I had the other six as
safe, thought I. “Physiology, where are you? You are
wanted!” said I, as the door enclosed me with the
professor of that branch, who, fortunately for me, was
what is called a
vitalist
— sticking up for nature, and
bitterly denied the
Liebigian theory
, which refers so many
of the living phenomena to chemistry. He and the
professor of chemistry were nearly at daggers’ points upon
the subject, and exceedingly excitable whenever it was
mentioned in their presence. I knew my cue.
“Take a seat,
Mr. Zensas, you appear wondrous full of
vivacity,” said the professor, as I entered, singing “A was
an artery,” &c. “Yes, sir, and I can assure you it is
vivacity of the same kind that a beneficent Creator exhaled
into the nostrils of the first-created — life in the sense in
which every reasonable man — every man with a proper
appreciation of the subject — every man of learning and
intellect, and physiological acquisition, regards the vital
principle — and not that degraded vitality of the Liebigian
system, which makes man’s assimilating functions a
chemical operation, and degrades his mighty nature to the
level of the ass” — “hideous doctrine,” broke in the
old professor. “Mr. Tensas, would that the whole class
possessed your discriminative wisdom; then I could
descend to the grave with the proud consciousness that
man held of his existence the same exalted opinion that I
have always tried to teach; then would I see this chemical
theory of life exploded. Theory which degrades man lower
than the brutes, makes the subtlest operations of his
nature a mere chemical effect, and the noble action of the
lungs a scape-pipe for extra heat; magnificent — “
And the excited
physiologist, carried away by his
feelings, burst into one of his wildest harangues, battling
for his favourite theory with more vigour than he had ever
displayed in the rostrum — and there never had stood his
superior for eloquence — until a knock at the door broke in
upon his declamatory current and dammed its waters.
“Bless me!” he
exclaimed, rubbing his glasses and
looking at his watch, “is my time out? Why, I have done
all the talking. But go, Mr. Tensas, the views that you
advocate attest your qualifications. You may depend upon
my vote and influence.”
“Two votes
safe!” said I, as I regained the lobby, “and
now for old ‘Roots,’ as the
professor of Mat.
Med. was
familiarly called by the class — he’s deaf, but thinks no one
knows it but himself. I’ll talk low, and he won’t know
whether I am answering correctly or not.”
“Take a seat,
Mr. Tensas. How are you to-day? I
suppose you are ready for being examined? What is
calomel?” All this being said sotto voce.
“A drug, sir,
that may be called the right bower of
quackery, and the four aces of medical murder; referred to
by Shakspeare when he said, ‘Throw
physic to the dogs,’
and specifically mentioned by him, though a typographical
error has somewhat obscured it, evidencing its
antiquity and universal administration at his time in the
lines,
“‘Be thou as
pure as ice, as chaste as snow, thou shalt
not escape Calumel.’ “
I spoke in a
whisper, but moved my lips as if vociferating.
“Right, Mr.
Tensas; but you need not holler so as to
alarm the college; I am not deaf. What is the usual dose in
the South?”
“Half a pound
for an infant, and the quadrature of the
stomach’s circle for a grown negro!”
“What are its
specific effects upon the system?”
“The free use
of coffins, spit-boxes, mush-and-milk, and
the invention of new oaths with which to curse the doctor!”
“What diseases
is it usually given in?”
“In all, and
some others, from want of a clean shirt to
the death-rattle!”
“Right, sir,
right,” said the examiner, never doubting,
from my aptitude of reply and perfect seriousness, but that
they were to the point.
“What are emetics?"
“Medicines,
that a man who has dined badly, and wants
to conceal it, should never take!”
“What are the
most certain?”
“The first
cigar, the first
quid, or a spoiled oyster!”
“What is their
action?”
“That of money
won at gambling; going back the way it
came, and taking a good deal more than it brought!”
“When should
lobelia be given?”
“At elections,
where the people are writing a man down
an ass, and he wants to be brought-up ahead!”
“What dose
would you give it in?”
“If the patient
was likely to leave a rich widow, I’d
certainly give a pound!”
“When would you
think an emetic had acted sufficiently?”
“When I was in
doubt whether it was the patient’s
tongue or his stomach that was hanging out of his mouth!”
“What are
purgatives
?”
“Medicines,
whose action bears the same relation to
that of emetics, which the possums did to the hollow
where the dog was waiting to catch them — they go the
other way!”
“Suppose your
patient had a diarrhoea, what medicine
would you give?”
“A quart of
brandy, for it would be sure to make him
tight!”
“What are the
most dangerous preparations of lead?”
“Congressional
speeches in Washington, and buckshot
in the Southern States!”
“From what does
hive syrup derive its name?”
“From the fact
of bees living in hives, and there being
honey in it!”
“Right, sir!
all right! You have answered admirably. I see
I must vote for you. You can go, sir!” — and out I went.
“Three votes!
Hurrah! Two more, and I’m safe. Now for
Old Sawbones
. I’m sure of him, though;” for upon surgery
I was prepared, and my intimacy with that professor
assured me he must be aware of it, and would attribute the
errors I might commit to natural trepidation under the
circumstances.
He was a man of
too much good sense to wheedle or
fool with, and notwithstanding my confidence in my good
preparation, and his appreciation of it, I anticipated a
terrible time with him.
My heart sank
as I entered his room. “Be seated, Mr.
Tensas. Beautiful weather for this season. Have
an apple? Here is an instrument for deligating the
subclavian artery
, that the maker has done me the honour to
call after me. How do you like it? Think I must order a
dozen. Do to give to acquaintances,” rattled on the kind-hearted
professor, trying to reassure me, which he failed to
do, for I regarded his pleasantry as somewhat akin to the
cat sporting with its victim. “You never shave, Tensas, I
believe? Apropos, how old are you?”
I jumped clear
out of my seat at the question. The
institution required a candidate to be twenty-one, which I
was not, by several months.
“It’s rather
late in the day to inquire that, professor,”
replied I, “you should have asked that before I paid for
your ticket.”
“Well, you are
old enough to be examined for your
degree, I expect, as you’ll be rejected, in all probability.
How do you make chicken-soup?”
I began to get
nettled, thinking he was sporting with me
upon my embarrassed condition; but a glance at his face
told me he was, or strongly pretending to be, in earnest.
“Professor——,”
I said, “I came here, sir, to be examined
upon surgery; not to be insulted, sir. What chicken-soup
has to do with it, I cannot imagine. If you are disposed to
twit me with my early life and humble occupation, I can
assure you, sir — “
“Stop! stop! No
insult was intended, and though you,
with your wisdom of almost twenty-one years, cannot see
the connexion between soup and surgery, I can tell you,
young man, that the success of the surgeon depends very
much upon kitchen medicine. Good soup is easily digested,
and strengthens the patient, but bad discomposes, and
prevents the reparative action of the system. But this is not
answering my question. How do you, sir, make chicken soup?”
Seeing that if
he was not in earnest, it was the best
imitation I had seen lately, I vouchsafed to answer the
subtle inquiry.
After I had
concluded — “Mr. Tensas, you have left out
a very important item in the preparation of your soup: you
forgot to mention in the first instance whether you would
kill the chicken or not.”
The glance I
shot at him was too much for his gravity.
Bursting into a hearty laugh, he said, “Tensas, I knew you
were well prepared, but I thought I would teach you that
nothing that may be conducive to the recovery of our
patient, is too trivial to be remembered by the physician —
also to try your temper. You have too much of the latter.
The sick-bed is a fine moderator, however. Go, my dear
fellow, study hard, and in ten years I will hear from you.”
Tears sprung
into my eyes as I wrung his hand, and
thanked him, on leaving his room.
Four votes
safe. One more, and the others may go to
Hellespont. Now for
chemistry. “How do you do, Mr.
Tensas? Be composed, sir. Take a chair. Happy to have
the opportunity of gratifying my chemical curiosity at your
expense. I expect you candidates think your professors a
very inquisitive set of fellows about this time. Ha! ha!
Take a chair, sir.”
“Professor —,” I
am quite well, I am happy to inform you,
and desirous of appearing as composed as possible. I also
felicitate myself that it is in my power to display to you the
fruits, as elaborated in my mind, of those eloquent
expositions of chemical science which it has been my good
fortune to receive, at such an inadequate remuneration,
from your lips. Here is a pamphlet, very denunciatory, I am
sorry to announce, of you, that I thought you would like
to see. It is by the professor of physiology, and appearing
first in a distant city, I thought you might
not be aware of its publication; my admiration and
friendship for you, together with my anxiety for the
promotion of the
Liebigian system, led me to procure a
copy at an expense which, though considerable in the
present dilapidated condition of my finances, never caused
the least hesitation in its purchase, when the great good
which doubtless would result from your early acquaintance
with its pernicious principles was considered.”
It took me at
least five minutes, in a slow, monotonous,
and pompous manner, to deliver this, and only ten were left
to the examiner.
“Thank you, Mr.
Tensas, thanks for your kind
consideration for myself and the system I am proud to
advocate, even though it be through detraction and
vituperation. I will examine it at my leisure — we have now
other business before us. Give me an exposition, Mr.
Tensas, of the Atomic or Daltonian theory.”
Down below zero
went my hitherto buoyant spirits — my
scheme had failed — I am gone, thought I, when up my
heart bounded again as he interrupted me with, “Ah! how
did you say you obtained this atrocious publication? Mr.
Tensas, that gentleman, the author, is doing a great and
irremediable injury to the cause of truth and scientific
controversy. In arguing with a man of philosophical
pretensions, it is to be expected that he will combat only
those principles which” — and in a tone of grieved and
wounded innocence, not giving me an opportunity of
giving him the required exposition of the Atomic or
Daltonian theory, which I very much regretted, the
professor concluded the time allotted him for examination,
saying, as I bid him adieu, “Mr. Tensas, I shall be happy to
see you at my house to-night; you may rest assured of my
vote.” I stood in the lobby with perfect ease, confident that
in having five votes out of the seven — three being
required to reject — I was soon to be dubbed Doctor of
Medicine. The examinations of the other two professors I
got through with very summarily, fainting away before
one, and occupying the fifteen minutes to restore me, and
before the other, being seized with a violent bleeding at my
nose; but in justification of my own honour, I must state
that the representations by the rest of the faculty of the
splendid examination I had passed before them, influenced
their votes, and I obtained all; and, at the appointed time,
received my degree, and a square yard of sheepskin, as an
attestation of the progress I had made in medicine, giving
me a free permit to kill whom I pleased without the fear of
the law.
I NEVER was
partial to dogs (although I dined some years
ago very heartily upon the haunch of one, that a rascally
Indian sold to the family for venison — the scoundrel’s back
gave proof not long after, that it, to him at least, was really
dear meat); they have always been my aversion, and the
antipathy of my earlier years has not been in the least
diminished by the part one took — not only out of my leg — but in
breaking off as pretty a love-scrape as ever Cupid
rejoiced at.
I was attending
my last course of lectures, previous to
graduation, in a northern state, and as a matter of course
had but very little leisure to devote to amusement or love.
But nevertheless, even amidst all my occupation, I found
time to renew and continue a friendship bordering closely
upon love, even then, which I had formed the previous
winter with a young lady residing in the city.
We were both
young — alas! that there similarity
ceased — she was beautiful — my ugliness was so
apparent that I acknowledged it myself. She was wealthy — I had
nothing but my profession, it not then secure. She
was — but why continue the enumeration of our contrasts?
suffice it to say that we were fast approaching the
condition when love in a cottage, and thoughts of an
annual searching for sentimental and beautiful names
occupy so much of the mind, when an infernal dog (not
only of a daddy — but a real caniner) jumped — like a
swamp gal into a jar of pickles — into the ring of our felicity,
and left me to wail him first, and myself afterwards.
I hated dogs,
and the father of my beloved had an equal
aversion to Southerners, and according to the degree that
class stood in his estimation, the old man and myself
disliked the same objects; so his daughter and myself had
to meet by stealth.
Twice a week
the class of medical students attended
clinical lectures at the hospital, which was situated in a
retired part of the town; thither the young lady, on the
appointed evenings, would repair, and awaiting the
departure of the class, we, on our walk homewards, could
talk over our love affairs without fear or interruption.
This pleasant
arrangement had continued until nearly
the close of the session, and we had agreed that when
graduated, if her father’s obduracy did not soften, we
would elope, when some good-natured friend kindly
informed her father of our intimacy, and that even as he
came then to apprise him, he had met her going to keep
her appointment.
Highly
incensed, the old man started off to pursue her,
but unfortunately did not arrive to prevent, but only witness
an occurrence which attracted considerable attention
at the time. Anatomy has been ever with me a favourite
branch of my profession; and when a student, I never let
slip an opportunity, time and material permitting, to improve
myself in it by dissection. It was a passion with me;
and whenever I met with a person extremely emaciated or
finely developed, my anatomical eye would scan their
proportions, and instead of paying them the usual
courtesies of life, I would be thinking what glorious
subjects they would be for museum preparations or
dissection; and even when my audacious lips were stealing
a kiss from the pulpy mouth of my lady-love, instead of
floating into ecstasies of delight, my anatomical mind
would wonder whether, even in death, electricity, by some
peculiar adaptation, might not be able to continue their
bewitching suction. When holding her soft hand in mine,
and gazing into the star-lit ocean of her soul, I would
wonder if there was not some peculiarity in the formation
of her optic nerve which gave her eyes such brilliancy. My
poetical rhapsodies were mingled with scraps of anatomy,
and in attempting to write her some verses, after writing the
first line,
“The clouds which clothed yon beauteous shore with garments
dark and hazy” —
to save me, the
nearest approximation I could make to a
rhyme, was:
“Pray use with me not the ‘levator labii superioris alaque
nasi.’ “
To tell the
truth, I was becoming clean daft upon the
subject, and consumptive people and orphan children
began to look on me with suspicion, but Lucy attributed
my conduct to the eccentricities of genius and love.
Connected with
the hospital the class attended was a
dead-house, as is usual in such establishments, where
such patients whose constitutions are not strong enough
to stand the treatment, are deposited after death for
forty-eight hours, in order that their friends may reclaim their
bodies. The morgue, in this institution, was directly
under the lecture room, but, as the door was kept locked,
it was regarded as sufficiently private.
On the day when
my intended father-in-law was made
acquainted with the clandestine meetings of his daughter
and myself, I had, as usual, accompanied the class to the
hospital, and, during the delivering of the lecture,
becoming suddenly very faint, I was forced to leave the
crowded room and seek the fresh air.
As I passed the
door of the dead-house on my return, I
noticed that it was ajar, and curiosity prompting me to
see what was within, I pushed it open and entered,
closing it behind me. There were several bodies, male
and female, cleanly arrayed upon the table; but the object
that attracted my attention the most was an infant a few
weeks old lying by the side of its dead mother; they were
both so black in the face that I would have suspected
foul play, had it not been accounted for by the fact that
they were negroes. I strove to depart, but something
formed a bond of association between that dead nigger
baby and myself, which held me to my place, my gaze
riveted upon it.
I wanted just
such a subject — one I could carry up in
my private room and dissect whilst I was waiting for my
meals — something to wile away my tedious hours with —
but how to get it was the thing; the rules of the college
and hospital were imperative, and I did not wish to be
expelled. I could not beg, borrow, or buy — there was
but one way left, and that was stealing.
The plan was
simple and easily arranged. It was very
cold weather, and under the ample folds of my cloak the
baby would be concealed effectually.
Separating it
from its dead mother’s embrace, I rolled
it, tenderly as if alive, into as small a space as possible,
and tying it up in my handkerchief, I placed it under my
cloak, and left the
dead-house
.
Had I left
immediately for home, on the baby’s absence
being discovered I would have been suspected immediately;
so, great as was the danger, I had no other resource
than to return to the lecture-room, and await our regular
dismissal, running the chances of detection. No one, on
looking at me then, would have accused me of feigning
sickness; for, manfully as I strove to be composed, the
danger of discovery unnerved me completely, and gave
me such a tremor as would have passed for a creditable
ague.
I have been
often enough in imminent danger of my
life, to know what cold sweat and minutes appearing hours
are; but the longest life, in the shortest space of time I
ever led, was when, in the midst of four hundred students,
I sat on those hard old benches, with the dead nigger
baby under my cloak, waiting for the lecture to conclude.
It had its end
at last; and, waiting til the class had
pretty well dispersed, I sauntered slowly away towards
my boarding-house, hoping that the inclemency of the
weather had kept Lucy from keeping our usual appointment.
A sleety rain
had fallen the preceding night, and, like
Mrs. Blennerhasset’s tears, freezing as it fell, had covered
the pavement with a thin coat of ice, making the walking
for pedestrians very insecure.
Surely, I
thought, as a keen gust came round the corner,
piercing my marrow with its coldness, her tender
frame will not be exposed on such a day as this! ‘tis a
good thing, too; for she would be horrified if she found
what my burden was; — when her smiling face, with her
beautiful nose red as an inflamed eye, appeared, and
told me I did not possess a proper appreciation of the
strength of a Kentucky gal’s affection.
Somewhat vexed,
and, for the first time in my life, sorry
to see her, I wished her (as it was so cold) in the hottest
place I knew of; but dissembling my feelings, I vowed,
when she came up, that if I had received the appointment
of surgeon-general to the angels, it could not give me
more pleasure than to see her then. I appeared as unconcerned as
I could, and sedulously talked to her of
such things as are very interesting to lovers and old maids,
but deuced tiresome to all other parties concerned.
We had nearly
reached the street corner where we
usually parted, when, horror of horrors! who should we see
coming round the identical corner but the lady’s father,
accompanied by a man that bore a marvellous resemblance
to the city marshal!
Instead of
fainting, Lucy uttered a stifled shriek, and
gritting her teeth dragged me into a house, the door of
which stood invitingly open; one step more, and if Fate
had not been against me, these pages would never have
been written, that baby would have been anatomized,
and in all probability, instead of being an old rusty swamp
doctor, “caring a cuss for nobody, nobody caring for
me,” I would have been the happy head of a family, and,
rolling in my carriage, describe the great operation of
extracting two jaw-teeth, I saw performed the last time I
was in Paris. But the beautiful hath departed, and never was.
A growl, a loud
yell, bow! wow! wow! and with
mouth distended like an alligator catching his dessert of
flies, a huge bull dog sprang at us, placing us in rather a
dilemma; it was the dog of a daddy on one hand, and
the daddy of a dog on the other.
Unlike Miss
Ullin, who preferred meeting the raging of
the skies to an angry father, embarked in a skiff and got
drowned, I preferred an angry father to a mad bull dog;
so seizing Lucy, I made a spring backwards, forgetting
in my haste the slippery pavement; our feet flew up, and
down we came in the open street, cross and pile, our
inferior extremities considerably intermingled, and her
ankles not as well protected from the heat as they might
have been.
My cloak flew
open as I fell, and the force of the fall
bursting its envelope, out, in all its hideous realities, rolled
the infernal imp of darkness upon the gaze of the laughing,
but now horrified spectators.
The old man had
witnessed the whole scene; springing
to my feet, I assisted the lady to rise, and handed her
over to her father. As he disappeared with her round the
corner, I volunteered to whip the crowd, individually or
collectively, but nobody seemed disposed to accept of my
services. Picking up my baby, I explained the whole to
a constable who was on the point of arresting me for
child-murder.
I sent the
subject back to the dead-room, and came as
near being expelled from college as ever a lover of knowledge
did, to miss it. I have never seen Lucy since, and
my haggard features and buttonless coat testify that the
swamp doctor is still a bachelor.
THE “SWAMP DOCTOR” TO ESCULAPIUS.
BEHOLD me,
then, who late was a city physician of a
week’s duration, a veritable “Swamp Doctor,” settled down
quietly, far from the blandishments of fashionable life, and
awaiting, as when in town, though with not half of my
then anxiety, the “first call.”
A veritable
“Swamp Doctor,” to whom French boots
and broadcloth must be obsolete ideas; the honest
squatters thinking — and with propriety too — that a
doctor who could put broadcloth over their stiles, must
have to charge very high to support such extravagance. A
charge to which it is almost fatal for a doctor to lay himself
liable to.
A pair of
coarse mud boots enclose my feet; copperas-coloured
linsey pants occupy their proper position; a
gaudy plaid vest with enormous jet buttons, blanket-coat
and cap, complete the equipment of my outer man. Allow
me to introduce you to my horse; for Charley occupies in
my mind too large a space to be passed over silently when
the “Swamp Doctor” is being described. Too poor to own
but one, he has to perform the labour of several, which the
fine blood that courses through his veins easily enables
him to do; like his master, his external appearance is rather
unprepossessing; but would that thy master, Charley,
possessed thy integral virtues! High-spirited art thou, old
friend — for age is touching thee, Charles, though thou
givest no indication of it, save in the lock of gray which
overhangs thy flashing eyes. Tall in thy proportions, gaunt
in thy outline,
sorrel in thy
hue, thou hast proved to me, Charles, that there is other
friendship and companioning besides human kind; thou
hast shared my lowly lot for many years, Charles — together we
have passed the lonely night, lost in the
swamp — breasted many an angry stream, and given light
to many darksome hearts, when fever-stricken they
awaited my coming, and heard thy joyous neigh and eager
bound. I did not know thy good qualities, Charles, when
first I bought thee, but the years that have wasted away
have taught thy true worth, and made me respect thee as a
man. But I must return, Charles, to when we first took up
our home within the “swamp.”
My residence is
as humble as my pretensions or my
dress, being composed of split trees, and known in
American parlance as a “log cabin.”
A lazy sluggish
“
bayou” — as all the small watercourses
in this country are Frenchifically termed — glorying in the
name of the “Tensas,” runs, or rather creeps, by the door,
before which — on the margin of the stream — stands one
of those grand alluvial oaks which could canopy an army.
The day is
rather sultry; a soft wind is moving its
branches, on the topmost one of which is perched a
mocking-bird; how wildly he carols, how blithesome his
every movement! Happy fellow! the barn-yard, the
ploughed ground, the berry-laden tree, all furnish him with
food. Nature clothes him annually, and the leafy branch beneath
shields him from the cold, when clouds and darkness
gather around. Happy fellow! he can sing with a light
heart; his wants are few, and easily supplied. Would that
the “Swamp Doctor” had as little care pressing upon him,
that he might join you in your song; would that his
necessities were as few and as readily provided for! Then,
too, he could mock at the world, then, too, sing
like thine a joyous strain; but poverty, youthfulness, the
stranger’s want of loving sympathy, chill the rising ardour
of his song, and fling him back upon the cold wave of the
world.
But away, care,
for the present! away, forebodings of
the future! Be as in former days, Swamp Doctor, joyful at
heart — thou hast sung in strains as wild as that winsome
bird’s! Let the harmony that pervades the air paint for thee
the future; and of bygones, “let the dead Past bury its
dead!”
Thou hast sung,
Swamp Doctor! Then tune afresh thy
harp, and give one strain before thy “first call” shall still
with its responsibilities thy harp, and clothe with sober
seriousness thy youthful heart.
Sayest thou so,
fair bird? then will I obey. My seat is
beneath thy oak — thine I call it, for early residence hath
given thee a pre-emption to it, surely — thy song is pouring
through my heart, the wave at my feet is glistening in the
morning sun, the soft branches overhead rustle and mingle
in joyful greenness, yet I cannot sing of these fair scenes;
not of them can be the burden of my song. Manhood had
not set its seal upon my form; yet not fifty holds an older
heart than beats within my breast. In despite of myself my
thoughts are with my calling, with the sick and suffering
who are yet to cast their eyes upon my face, and from it
draw their bright hope or withering despair. What, then, so
proper, since sing I must, as breathing a soft
prayer to the patron saint of the healing art, and invoking
his assistance in my future course?
THE SWAMP DOCTOR TO ESCULAPIUS.
Wrapt in the gloom of Superstition’s age,
The trade of Chance and men of low degree,
Long lay the Art which teaches to assuage
The many pangs that mankind heirs, to be,
The Art which stills the maniac’s fiery rage,
And bids the horrors of his vision flee;
Which soothes the pain its power cannot destroy,
And whispers hope, when hearts are reft of joy.
A Star arose amidst the heaven of gloom,
Which bended o’er this glorious Art divine;
It nobly strove the darkness to illume,
And place the Science on its proper shrine.
It shrank not from the strife, but dared the doom
That meets full oft the soul of high design;
It ‘scaped this lot, was victor loud proclaimed,
And Esculapius with the gods was named.
Years have grown old, and Time’s relentless hand
Has fallen on many a head of regal pride;
Full many a warrior born to use command
Has kiss’d the grave — that dark repulsive bride;
And many an arch whose fair proportions spanned
The heaving wave, has sunk beneath the tide;
Earth’s mightiest things have triumphed over night,
Gleamed forth in splendour, then been lost to sight.
But not so thou; for thou hast never known
What ‘twas to feel the waning love of them,
Who, once enchanted, drink in every tone,
Yet let Time chant their worship’s requiem;
Forget how praises from their lips have flown,
And eager seek for matter to condemn:
None such thy friends — they prove with deed and heart
That Friendship is of Death a thing apart.
Oh! Patron Saint, sure thine’s a brilliant doom!
We judge the future by the seasons past,
And judging thus, eternity will loom
Upon Creation ere thy name is classed
Among the things that were. Thou hast no tomb,
Time cannot say thy glory shall not last,
For it has mocked him from his earliest years
And as he darkens, still more bright appears.
Look on me, Patron Saint, with glance benign!
An humble follower, I bend the knee,
And pray thy knowledge’s light may on me shine
In all its splendour and intensity!
So when in death my icy limbs recline,
My name lik’st thine may long remembered be
As one who sought the useful to pursue,
And ease the pangs his fellow-mortals knew.
Yes, let them write upon my lowly grave:
“A true Philanthropist is sleeping here!”
And I no other recompense will crave
To cheer me onward in my future sphere.
Such epitaph as that in truth to have
Were worth all wealth that man amasses here.
High Heaven! — Mock-Bird, the rest must stay unwrit!
“Come, quick, Mass’ Doctor, ole Missus got a fit!”
FIRST CALL IN THE SWAMP.
“COME quick,
Mass’ Doctor! ole missus got a fit!”
aroused me from my poetical revery, and brought the
invocation to Esculapius to an abrupt termination.
I was just
apostrophizing “High Heaven” when the
voice outspoke; laughing at the ludicrous transition of
sounds and ideas, I rolled up my manuscript and turned to
take a survey of the speaker.
He presented
nothing remarkable in his appearance,
being only a negro messenger, belonging to a small planter
living at the extremity of what I regarded as my legitimate
circuit of practice; from the appearance of the mule he
bestrode, he had evidently ridden in great haste.
Perceiving me
to be laughing, and not knowing of
anything in his annunciation to create mirth, he thought I
had not heard him when he first spoke, and therefore
repeated, “Come quick, Mass’ Doctor! ole missus got a fit,
an’ I ‘spec is monstrus low, for as I cum by de lot, I hear
Mass’ Bill holler to Mass’ Bob, and tell him, arter he got
dun knockin’ de horns off de young bull, to cum in de
house an’ see his gran’-mammy die.” But still I laughed
on — there was such an odd mingling of poetry,
Esculapius, missus, fit, Mass’ Bob, and knocking the horn
off the young bull, as to strike full my
bump of the ludicrous, and the negro, sitting on his little crop-eared
mule, gazed at me in perfect astonishment, as a monument
of unfeelingness.
Suddenly the
recollection that this was my “first call,”
came over and sobered me in a second; my profession,
with all its sober realities and responsibilities, was
again triumphant, and I stood a serious “Swamp Doctor.”
Ordering a
servant to catch my horse, I began to prepare
for the ride, by questioning the negro as to the nature of
the disease, age of the patient, and other circumstances of
the case, that might enable me to carry medicines along
suitable to the occasion, as my saddlebags were of limited
capacity, and none of the people kept medicines at home,
except a few of the simplest nature.
“You say your
mistress has fits! Does she have them
often?” The object of my inquiries will be apparent to the
professional reader.
“Not as I nose
on, Mass’ Doctor, although I did hearn
her say when she lived in Georgy, she was monstrus
narvus-like at de full of de moon.”
“How old is
your mistress? do you know, boy?”
“How ole! why,
Mass’ Doctor, she’s a bobbullushunary
suspensioner, an’ her hare is grayer dan a ‘possum’s. Ole
missus ole for a fak!”
“Has anything
happened lately that could have given
your mistress the fit?”
“Nuffin’, Mass’
doctor, as I nose on, ‘cept pr’aps day
‘fore yisterday night ole missus private jug guv out, an’ she
tole wun of de boys to go in de smoke-house and draw him
full; de fule chile stuck de lite tu nere de baril, de whiskey
cotch, an’ sich a ‘sploshun never war herd as de ole smoke-house
guvin’ up de goast!”
“Your old
mistress drinks whiskey, then, and has been
without any two days?”
“Yes, Mass’
doctor, an’ I ‘spec it’s that what’s usen her
up, for she’d sorter got ‘customed to de ‘stranger.’ “
I had learned
enough of the case to give me a suspicion
of the disease; the verification must be deferred until I saw
the patient.
She being very
old, nervous, and excitable, accustomed
to alcoholic stimulation, suddenly deprived of her usual
beverage, and brought under the depressory influences of
losing her smoke-house and barrel of whiskey, was
sufficient cause to produce a case of disease formed by an
amalgamation of
sub-hysteria and
quasi delirium
tremens a not very flattering diagnosis, considered in a
moral point
of view, to the old lady, whose acquaintance I was yet to
make. Knowing how much depended upon the success
with which I treated my first cases, it was unnecessary to
give me a serious and reflective air, that I should remember
how much people judged from appearances, and that mine
were anything but indicative of the doctor; whiskers or
beard had I none, and even when wearing the most sober
mask, a smile would lurk at the corner of my mouth, eager
to expand into a laugh.
But I must
start. Labelling a bottle of brandy “Arkansas
Fitifuge,” I slipped it in my pocket, and mounting my
horse, set off upon the fulfilment of my “first call.”
When we reached
the house, my horse reeking with
sweat, from the haste with which we had traversed the
muddy roads, I introduced myself, as I had never seen one
of the family before, nor they me — as Doctor Tensas, and
required to be shown the patient. I saw from the
countenances of the assembly, which was more numerous
than I had expected to find, that they were disappointed in
the appearance of the new doctor, and that my unstriking
and youthful visage was working fatally against me. In
fact, as I approached the bed, which was surrounded with
women, I heard one old crone remark “sotto voce,”
“Blessed J———s! is that thing a doctor? why, his face’s
as
smooth as an eggshell, an’ my son John ‘peers a heap
older than him, an’ he’s only been pupped ateen years;
grashus nose sich a young lookin’ critter as that shuddent
gin me doctor’s truck; he can’t have ‘sperience, but sens
he’s here we’ll have to let him go on; half a ‘pology is better
‘an no commisseration in an aggervated insult.”
Paying no
attention to her depreciatory remarks, but
determined to show them that I knew a thing or two, I
commenced examining the patient.
Had I not been
prepared by the negro’s description, I
would have been surprised at the example of longevity in
that insalubrious country which the invalid presented.
Judging from external appearances, she must have had the
opportunity of doing an immensity of talking in her time; her
hair was whiter than the inside of a persimmon seed, and the
skin upon her face resembled a piece of corrugated and
smoky parchment, more than human cuticle; it clove tightly
to the bones, bringing out all their prominencies, and
showing the course of the arteries and veins beneath; her
mouth was partly open, and on looking in I saw not the
vestige of a tooth; the great dentist, Time, had succeeded in
extracting the last. She would lie very quietly in a dull
comatose condition for a few moments, and then giving a
loud screech, attempt to rub her stomach against the rafters
of the cabin, mumbling out something about “Whiskey
spilt — smoke-house ruined — and Gineral Jackson fit the
Injuns — and she haddent the histericks!” requiring the
united strength of several of the women to keep her on the bed.
The examination
verified my suspicion as to the nature
of the disease, but I had too much knowledge of human
nature to give the least intimation to the females of my real
opinion. I had been told by an old practitioner of medicine,
“ if you wish to ruin yourself in the estimation of your
female patients, hint that the disease they are
labouring under is connected with hysterics:” what little
knowledge I had acquired of the sex during my student life
went to confirm his observations. But if the mere intimation
of hysteria produced such an effect, what would the
positive pronouncing that it was not only hysterics but a
touch of drunken mania? I had not courage to calculate
upon such a subject, but hastily dismissed it. Pronouncing
that she had fits, sure enough, I commenced the
treatment.
Brandy and opium were the remedies indicated; I
administered them freely at half-hour intervals, with marked
benefit, and towards midnight she fell into a gentle slumber.
As I heard her quiet breathing, and saw the rise and fall of
her bosom in regular succession, indicating that the
disease was yielding to my remedies, a gleam of pleasure
shot over my face, and I felt happier by the bedside of that
old drunken woman, in that lowly cabin, in that obscure
swamp, than if the many voices of the city were shouting
“laus"
unto my name. I was taking the first round in the race
between medicine and disease, and so far was leading my
competitor.
It was now past
midnight: up to this time I had kept my
place by the bed-side of the patient, and began to get
wearied. I could with safety transfer her care now to one of
the old dames, and I determined to do so, and try and
obtain some sleep. The house consisted of a double log
cabin, of small dimensions, a passage, the full depth of the
house, running between the “pens.” As sleep was
absolutely required for the preservation of the patient, and
the old dames who were gathered around the fires
discoursing of the marvels of their individual experience,
bid fair to step over the bounds of proper modulation in
their garrulity, I proposed, in such a way that there was no
withstanding the appeal, that we should all, except the one
nursing, adjourn to the other room. The old ladies
acquiesced without a single demurrer, as they were all
dying to have a talk with the “young doctor,” who
hitherto, absorbed in his patient, had but little
communicativeness.
The male
portion of the family had adjourned to the
fodder-house to pass the night, so my once fair companions
and self had the whole of the apartment to ourselves.
Ascertaining by actual experiment that it was sufficiently
removed by the passage to prevent ordinary conversation
from being audible at the bed-side of the invalid, the old
ladies, in despite of my hints of “being very tired, “really I
am very sleepy,” and “I wish I hadn’t such a long ride to
take to-morrow,” commenced their attack in earnest, by
opening a tremendous battery of small talk and queries
upon me. The terrible breaches that it made, had the effect
of keeping mine on, and I surrendered at discretion to
the
ladies, almost wishing, I must confess, that they were a
bevy of young damsels, instead of a set so antiquated that
their only knowledge of love was in seeing their grand-children.
Besides, they were only exacting from me the
performance of one of the prescribed duties of the country
physician, performed by him from time immemorial; and why
should they not exact it of me? The doctor of a country
settlement was then — they have become so common now
as to place it in the power of nearly every planter to own a
physician, and consequently they attract little regard — a
very important character in the community. Travelling about
from house to house, he became the repository of all the
news, scandal, and secrets of the neighbourhood, which he
was expected to retail out as required for the moral
edification of the females of his “beat;” consequently, his
coming was an event of great and exciting interest to the
womenkind generally.
It is a trite
observation, “that when you have rendered
yourself popular with the wife, you are insured of the
patronage of the husband;” apply it to the whole sex of
women, and it still holds good — married or single they
hold the men up, and without their support, no physician
can succeed. I had imagined, in my youthful simplicity, that
when I entered the swamp, I had left female curiosity —
regarding it as the offspring of polished society — behind;
but I found out my mistake, and though I was very sleepy,
I loved my profession too well not to desire to perfect
myself in all the duties of the calling. I have often had a
quiet laugh to myself, when I reflect upon the incidents of
that night, and what a ludicrous appearance I must have
presented to a non-participant, when, on a raw-hide-bottomed
chair, I sat in that log cabin, directly in front of a
cheerful fire — for though spring, the nights were
sufficiently cool to render a fire pleasant — the apex of a
pyramid of old women, who stretched in two rows, three on
each side, down to the jambs of the chimney.
There was Miss
Pechum, and Miss Stivers, and Miss
Limsey, on one side, and Miss Dims, who, unfortunately,
as she informed me, had had her nose bit off by a wild
hog, and Miss Ripson, and Miss Tillot, on the
other. Six old
women, with case-hardened tongues, and only one poor
humble “Swamp Doctor,” whom the verdict of one, at first
sight, had pronounced a thing, to talk to them all!
Fearful
odds I saw, and seeing trembled; for the fate of the
adventurous Frenchman came fresh to my mind, who
proposed for a wager to talk twelve hours with an old
widow, and who at the expiration of the time was found
dead, with the old lady whispering vainly “frog soup” in
his ear. There it was one against one, here it was six versus
one, and a small talker at that; but the moments were
drying, no time was to be lost, and we commenced. What
marvellous stories I told them about things I had seen, and
what wonderful recitals they gave me in return! How, first, I
addressed my attention to one side of the pyramid, and then
bestowed a commensurate upon the other ! How learnedly
we discoursed upon “yarbs,” and “kumfrey tea,” and “sweet gum
sav!” How readily we all acquiesced in the
general correctness of the broken-nose lady’s remark, “Bless
Jesus! we must all die when our time kums;” and what a general
smile — which I am certain, had it not been for the propinquity
of the invalid, would have amounted to a laugh — went round the
pyramid, when Miss Pechum, who talked through her nose,
snuffled out a witticism of her youngest son, when he was a
babe, in which the point of the joke lay in bite, or right,
or
fight, or some word of some such sound, but which the
imperfection of her pronunciation somewhat obscured! How
intently we all listened to Miss Stiver’s ghost-story! what
upholding of hands and lap-dropping of knitting, and
exclamations of fear and horror and admiration, and “Blessed
Master!” and “Lordy grashus!” and “Well, did
you ever!” and “You don’t say so!” and “Dear heart do tell!”
and what a universal sigh was heaved when the beautiful
maid that was haunted by the ghost was found drowned in a
large churn of buttermilk that her mother had set away for
market next day! How profuse in my expressions of
astonishment and admiration I was, when, after a long
comparison of the relative sufferings of the two sexes, Miss
Stivers — the lady who talked through her nose, in reply to
Miss Dims, the lady who had no nose at all — declared that
“Blessed Master permittin’, arter all their talk ‘bout women’s
sufferings, she must say that she thought men had the
hardest time of it, for grashus knows she’d rather have a
child every nine months than scour a skillet, and she ought
to know!” How we debated “whether the ‘hives’ were catchin’
or not?” and were
perfectly unanimous in the conclusion that “Sheep
safern” were wonderful
“truck!"
Suddenly one of
those small screech, or horned owls, so
common in the South and West, gave forth his discordant
cry from a small tree, distant only a few feet from the house;
instantaneously every voice was hushed, all the lower jaws
of the old women dropped, every eye was dilated to its
utmost capacity, till the whites looked like a circle of cream
around a black bean, every forefinger was raised to
command attention, and every head gave a commiserative
shake, moderating gradually to a solemn settling. After a
considerable pause, Miss Ripson broke the silence. “Poor
creetur! she’s gone, doctor, the Fitifuge can’t cure her, she’s
knit her last pair of socks! Blessed Master! the
screech owl
is hollered, and she’s bound to die, certin!” “Certin!” every
voice belonging to the females responded, and every head,
besides, nodded a mournful acquiescence to the melancholy
decision.
Not thoroughly
versed in the superstitions of the back-woods, I could not see
what possible connexion there
could be between the screech of the owl and the fate of the
patient. Desirous of information upon the subject, I broke
my usual rule, never to acknowledge ignorance upon any
matter to ladies — from the first eruption of Vesuvius to the
composition of a plumptitudinizer — and therefore asked
Miss Ripson to enlighten me.
I shall never
forget the mingled look of astonishment
and contempt that the old lady, to whom the query was
propounded, cast upon me as she replied: —
“How dus
screech owls hollerin’ make sick people die?
Blessed Master! you a doctor, and ax sich a question!
How is ennything fotch ‘bout ‘cept by sines an’
awgrese,
an’ simbles,
an’ figurashuns, an’ hiramgliptix, and sich like
vareus wase that the Creator works out his desine to man’s
intimashun and expoundin’. Don’t spose there’s
conjurashun an’ majestix the matter, for them’s agin scriptur;
but this much I do no — I never sot up with a sick body,
and heard a screech owl holler, or a dog howl, or a
scratchin’ agin the waul, but what they dide; ef they diddent
then, they did ‘fore long, which pruves that the sine
war true; Blessed Master! what weke creetur’s we is, sure
enuf! I reculleck when I lived down to Bunkum County,
North Carliny — Miss Dims, you node Miss Plyser, what
lived down to Zion Spring?” — (Miss Dims, being the
noseless lady, snuffled out that she did as well as one of
her own children, as the families were monstrous familiar, and
seed a heap of one another). “Well, Miss Plyser war
takin awfil sick arter etin a bate of cold fride collards — I
alwase tole her cold fride collards warn’t ‘dapted to the
delicases of her constytushun, but the poor crittur war
indoost to them, and wuddent taik my device; an’ it wood
hav been a grate dele beter for her ef she had, as the sekil
wil pruve; poor creetur! ef she oanly had, she mout bin a
settin’ here to-nite, fur her husband shortly arter, sed ef
sarkumstancis haddent altired his ‘tarmynashun he didn’t no
but wat he wood like to take a look at them Luzaanny
botums, wair all you had to do to clar the land, war to cut
down all the trese and wate fur the next overflow to wash
them off; but pr’aps she wuddent nether, for arter all he
dident cum, an’ you no she cuddent kum ‘cept with him
‘ceptin’ she dun like Lizey Johnson’s middle darter,
Prinsanna, who left her husband in the state of Georgy, and
kum to Luzaanny an’ got marred to a nother man, the pisen
varmint, to do sich as that and her own laful husband, for I
no that he borrerd a dollar of my sister Jane’s sister to pay
for the license and eatables for the crowd — but Blessed
Master, where is I talking to! — well, as I sed, Miss Plyser
made herself monstrous sick etin cold
fride collards; wen I got where she was they had sent for
the doctor, an’ shortly arter I kum he cum, an’ the fust thing
he axed fur arter he got in the house war for a han-ful of
red-pepper pods — it war a monstrous fine time for pepper and
other gardin truck that sesun — an’ wen he got them
he tuck a han-ful of lobely an’ mixt the pepper-pods with it
an’ then he poured hot bilin’ water over it, and made a
strong
decokshun. Jes as it was got reddy for ‘ministering,
but before it was guv, I heered a screech owl holler on the
gable end of the cabin. I sed then as I say now, in the
present case, that it war a sine and a forerunnner that she
was gwine to die, but the doctor, in spite of my
‘swadements, gin her a tin cup of the pepper and
lobely,
but I nude it war no use — the screech owl had hollered,
and she war called fur; an’ jes to think of a nice young
‘ooman like her, with the purtiest pair of twins in the world,
and as much alike as two pese, only one had black hare and
lite ise, an’ the other had black ise and lite hare — bein’
carrid to a grave by cold fride collards apeered a hard case,
but the Lord is the Heavens an’ he nose! Well, the first
dose that he gin her didn’t ‘fect much, so he gin her another
pint, an’ then cummenst stemin’ her, when the pirspirashun
began to kum out, she sunk rite down, an’ begun to siken
awful; the cold fride collards began to kum up in gobs, but
Blessed Master! it war too late, the screech owl had
hollered, an’ she flung up cold fride collards till she dide,
pooer creetur! the Lord be marsyful to her poor soul! But
I sed from the fust she wood die. Doctor, weed better see
how Miss Jimsey is; it’s no use to waste the ‘Futifuge’ on
her, the screech owl has hollered, and she mus go though
all the doctors of a king war here; poor creetur! she has
lived a long time, an’ I ‘speck her Lord and Master wants her.”
And thus
saying, the old lady preceded the way to the
sick-room, myself and the five other old women bringing
up the rear.
Somewhat, I
thought, to the disappointment of the
superstitious dames, we found the invalid still buried in a
profound slumber, her regular, placid breathing indicating
that the proper functions of the system were being
restored. I softly felt her pulse, and it, too, showed
improvement. Leaving the room, we returned to the other
cabin. I informed the family that she was much better, and
if she did not have a return of the spasms by morning, and
rested undisturbed in the meantime, that she would get
well. But I saw that superstition had too deep a hold on
their minds for my flattering opinion to receive their
sanction. An incredulous shake of the head was nearly my
only reply, except from the owl enthusiast.
“Doctor, you’re
mistaken, certin. The screech-owl has
hollered, and she is boun to die — it’s a sure sign, and can’t
fail!”
I saw the
uselessness of argument, and therefore did not
attempt to show them how ridiculous, nay irreligious, it
was to entertain such notions, willing that the termination
of the case should be the reply.
It would
require a ponderous tome to contain all that
passed in conversation during our vigils that night.
Morning broke, and I went softly in to see if my patient still
slept. The noise I made in crossing the rough floor
aroused, and as I reached the bed-side, she half raised
herself up, and to my great delight accosted me in her
perfect senses.
“I s’pose,
young man, you’re a doctor, aint you?”
I assured her
that her surmise was correct, and pressed
her to cease talking and compose herself. She would not
do it, however, but demanded to see the medicine I was
giving her. I produced the
Arkansas Fitifuge, and as it
was near the time that she should take a dose, I poured one
out and gave it to her. Receiving it at first with evident
disgust, with great reluctance she forced herself to drink a
small quantity. I saw pleasure and surprise lighting up her
countenance; she drank a little more — looked at me — took
another sip — and then, as if to test it by the other senses,
applied it to her nose, and shaking the glass applied it to
her ear; all the results were satisfactory, and she drank it to
the dregs without a murmur.
“Doctor,” said
she, “ef you’re a mineral fissishun, and
this truck has got calomy in it, you needn’t be afeard of
salavatin me, and stop givin’ it, for I wont git mad ef my
gums is a leetle touched!”
I assured her
that the “Fitifuge” was perfectly harmless.
“It’s monstrus
pleasant truck, ennyhow! What did you
say was the name of it?”
“Arkansas
Fitifuge, madam, one of the best
medicaments for spasmodic diseases that I have ever used.
You were in fits last night when I arrived; but you see the
medicine is effecting a cure, and you are now out of
danger, although extreme quietude is highly necessary.”
“Doctor, will
you give me a leetle more of the truck? I
declare, it’s monstrous pleasant. Doctor, I’m mity narvous,
ginerally; don’t you think I’d better take it pretty often
through the day? Ef they’d sent for you sooner I woodent
bin half as bad off. But, thank the Lord, you has proved a
kapable fissishun, sent to me in the hour of need, an’ I wont
complane, but trust in a mersyful Saveyur!”
“How do you
feel now, sister Jimsey? do you think
you’re looking up this morning?” was now asked by the
lady of screech-owl memory.
“Oh, sister
Ripson, thank the Lord, I do feel a power
better this mornin’, an’ I think in the course of a day or two
I will be able to get about agen.”
“Well, mersyful
Master, wonders will never stop! las
nite I thot sure you cuddent stand it till mornin, speshully
arter I heerd the screech-owl holler! ‘tis a mirrykul, sure, or
else this is the wonderfulest doctor in creashun!”
“Did the
screech-owl holler mor’n wunst, sister Ripson?”
“No, he only
screeched wunst! Ef he’d hollered the
second time, I’d defide all the doctors in the created wurld
to ‘ad cured you; the thing would have bin unpossible!”
Now as the
aforesaid screech-owl had actually
screeched twice, I must have effected an impossibility in
making the cure; but I was unwilling to disturb the old lady
in her delusion, and therefore did not inform her of that,
which she would have heard herself, had she not been
highly alarmed.
I directed the
“Fitifuge” to be given at regular intervals
through the day; and then, amidst the blessings of the
patient, the congratulations of the family for the wonderful
cure I had effected, and their assurances of future
patronage, took my departure for home, hearing, as I left
the house, the same old lady who had underrated me at my
entrance ejaculate, “Well, bless the Lord I didn’t die last
yere of the
yaller janders, or I’d never lived to see with my
own eyes a doctor who could cure a body arter the screech-owl
hollered!”
THE MAN OF ARISTOCRATIC DISEASES.
WHAT a queer
thing is pride! Pride, that busy devil
that breaks off the point of the lances, and lets human
nature die of the big-head before common sense can bleed
freely. Pride, that sticks a pretty foot in a kid slipper in the
dead of winter and the owner shortly in the grave. Pride,
that keeps man from acknowledging his error, and makes
him a slayer of his kind, without being justified by a
doctor’s degree. Pride — but enough of philosophy.
I have seen
this trait of humanity illustrated in various
ways, according to the temperament, education, and habits
of individuals, and thought I knew something of the various
workings of the foible; but until I saw Major Subsequent,
never did I know that man could find his chief glory in the
possession of loathsome and incurable afflictions. But such
is the fact, or rather was the fact, for the Major one day
came in contact with rather a familiar friend of mine, whose
known liberality is such that he never fails to give his
visiters a fee simple to a small
plantation. Yes, the Major is
no more! he died in my arms, or rather a portion of him did;
for my embrace, to have clasped the whole of his frame,
muscle, and fat, would have had to be as comprehensive as
the recipe for boiling water. Reader! in all probability you
never knew him; if twoscore has not been chalked up
against you, I know you never did, for I am now an old,
bald-headed, wig-wearing Swamp Doctor, and he was buried
when my natural hair was long as a Yankee pedlar’s
remembrance of a small debt due him. Major Billy
Subsequent, F. F. V. O. K. M. T. R. L. M. H. M. A. M. J. O. G.
First Family Virginia, Olways Kritical,
Major third regiment Louisiana Militia. His mother a Miss
Jones of Georgia. Hic Jackson. Yes, here is the grave!
“Major Billy
Subsequent, here are some friends of mine
that wish an introduction to you. Will you rise? You’re
sleepy! Ah, Billy, you’re a grave subject. But my readers
are anxious to know you. Read, then, your biography from
your posthumous memoirs. You haven’t got your nap out yet?”
Reader, Billy
won’t rise, so I’ll have to do as he directs,
and call upon your imagination to prepare him from the
material I shall offer.
Major Billy
Subsequent, to use rather an old witticism,
was one of the most classical men I ever knew. Byron must
have had him in his eye — rather a large one would have
been required to hold him — when he wrote his beautiful
lyric, The iles of grease! the iles of grease! for Billy was fat
almost to fatuity; nature had set up in his inner man a
laboratory to convert everything that entered his mouth
into adipose or fatty corpuscles. He would have been a
trump at euchre, for in an emergency he could have been
played as the right bower at clubs, to which important
personage he bore a striking resemblance. It would have
been impossible to have hung him, for he had no neck; his
head was rather too hard to have suspended him by, and I
have yet to learn that a man can be strangulated by tying
the rope under his arms; so capital execution was not
applicable to him, except when fish, flesh, fowl, or
vegetables were to be devoured, and then his execution
was capital. He had heard when very young that he, like
the balance of the human race, possessed feet; but such
was his abdominal rotundity grown to, that to verify the
fact by ocular demonstration, was a feat, to accomplish
which he would have failed in toto. When we beheld his
hands, we were struck with their resemblance to a pair of
boiled hams, notched at the ends sufficiently to
correspond to fingers and thumbs. He never trusted but
one finger in the performance of friendship’s manipulation,
melancholy experience having demonstrated that human
friendship was grown too weak to be intrusted with an
entire hand. His face was coveted by every politician in the
land, being broad enough to smile upon all parties, and
look lovingly to all quarters of the Union at the same time.
His wind, like a doctor’s visits of charity, was short, but not
sweet, his oesophagus being contracted, the proximity of
his stomach being supposed to affect it in this respect. Set
him to walking, and his puff! puff! sent every inland
planter who had cotton to ship to the bayou directly.
Being the
lineal descendant of a Scotch prince — who
was hung as the finale of an unsuccessful raid — and
belonging to F. F. V., it is natural to suppose that he shared
in the modesty and personal humility that distinguish his
like favoured brethren; in fact, he rather externally
accomplished the thing, imitating them in every particular
of common glorification, and taking exclusive grounds in
things that they never dreamt of as forming subjects for
self-gratulation. They referred to tradition, genealogy, or
other equally as creditable sources, to prove their purity of
blood and excellence of family; but Major Subsequent
had another test, which with him was indubitably decisive
of the present and past purity of his genealogical tree. Up
to the time of my acquaintance with him, his wife, children,
and self, all were, and had been from youth, in possession
of various incurable and afflicting disorders, but according
to the Major’s statement not one of them had ever had a
plebeian or unfashionable disease. This was the Major’s
chief source of glory and honour. The blood
of his family was so pure, that only aristocratic diseases
could make any morbific impression on their susceptible
systems.
He prided
himself upon his Ciceronian wart and bluff
Harry the Eighth proportions; every twinge of the gout was
a thrill of exquisite pleasure, for only high living and pure
blood could have the
gout . His eldest son had the King’s
Evil — the King’s Evil, mind you! Major Subsequent was
one of those that believed that kings existed in a perpetual
atmosphere of delight, and that consequently the King’s
Evil was only a play-synonyme for the
king’s pleasure, so
his eldest born had little of his sympathy. His youngest
son was terribly humpbacked, but this gave the Major no
uneasiness, for were not
Alexander and Richard
humpbacked kings? One of his daughters was an old maid,
“but then,” argued the Major, consoling his child under
this terrible disease, “Queen Elizabeth and Cleopatra died
old maids, and why not you?” Another had a perpetual
leer upon her countenance, “but then,” quoth the Major,
turning to a volume of Shakspeare, “there was a king Lear,
a kingly precedent, Miss Subsequent; so don’t talk of
being operated upon for
strabismus.” His wife — but
enough, you know the man. The Major was very proud of
his family, or rather of his family’s diseases, cherishing
them in much the same spirit that
Jenner, the father of
vaccination, did his experimental cow, for the scab upon her.
I became a
great favourite with the Major, not that I was
diseased in any way, but on the contrary always enjoyed
good health, but he said that as I was one of the chivalry,
he was certain if I ever got sick, it would be a gentlemanly
disease, and none of your d——n plebeian, chill-and-fever,
poor folks’ affections.
I used to visit
the Major’s house often, for the purpose
of studying his character, and getting a good dinner; for
the Major fed well, all but horses, and they had to trust the
chances of a stray nubbin falling through the chinks of the
stable loft. Taking good care of a horse meant, with him,
tying him to a fence, with nothing to eat but the dead
wood. Taking extraordinary care signified hitching him to a
green sapling, where he could have the privilege of
gnawing the bark.
My open
admiration of his character soon elevated me to
the post of family physician — nearly a sinecure — for the
Major was afraid to take medicine, not wishing to part with
his hereditary honours.
One day, I had
just finished my dinner at home, and had
taken, cigar in mouth, my usual seat beneath a favourite
oak, to indulge in a fit of meditation, when I saw the dust
up the bayou road shaken up by a half-naked negro, who,
having no pockets in his shirt, and being hatless, holding
a letter in his teeth, was urging his mule along at the top of
his speed. At a glance, I knew it was the Major’s boy, or
rather mule, for no one in the settlement save him owned
an animal, the ribs of which could be counted at almost
any distance.
They arrived;
and first asking me for a chaw of tobacco,
the negro delivered the note, which, true to my surmise,
was from the Major, and written apparently under high
excitement, requesting me to come up immediately, as he
apprehended something terrible had either happened, or
was going to occur.
My horse being
ready saddled, in a short time I was at
the Major’s, whom I found waddling up and down his long
gallery, his path distinctly marked by the huge drops of
sweat that had fallen from his brow.
“Doctor, I am
truly rejoiced at your arrival; my worst
apprehensions have been excited upon a subject, upon
which the honour of my family depends, and the firm fame
of my ancestors.”
Thinking from
his language there was a lady in the case,
I told him that marriage would cure all indiscretions, and
muttered something about accidents and the best of
families. The Major understood only the conclusion.
“Best of
families!” repeated he. “Yes, doctor, not only of
the best, but the very best. I pride myself upon my blood.
Mine is no upstart claim of a thousand years or so, but,
doctor, drawn from the very creation, and transmitted in a
stream of pure brilliancy down to me. But, doctor,
something has occurred to-day, I fear, which, if it be as my
darkest and gloomiest thoughts suggest, will prove my
death, bring ruin and disgrace upon my house, and
extinguish the ancient torch of the Subsequents like a
farthing dip. I have looked over my list of ancestors, from the
creation up, and find to my ineffable horror not one of them
ever died with any but a noble and kingly disease. I know I
have received the stream in all its pristine purity — and oh,
doctor, on your honour as a man, on the awful sanctity of
your calling, never reveal to mortal the terrible disclosure I
am about to make. Doctor Tensas, I fear my eldest born has
got — faugh! I sicken at the thought — the chill and fever!
Oh, Lord! terrible! awful! horrible! Is it not enough to
madden a man, to think, after having only noble diseases in
his family, for twenty thousand years at least, that a cursed,
plebeian, vulgar disease, which every negro and low poor
man can have, should dare present itself in the habitation of
artistocratic and kingly affections. Doctor, if it be as I fear,
I
shall go deranged! I shall die! I will disinherit the rascal! He
shall change his name! To think of gout, king’s evil,
humpback, and their royal brethren, to attest my purity of
blood, and then for chi—
faugh! it is too horrible to be true! Go, doctor, examine
him. Heaven grant my fears may be groundless, or I shall
certainly die. I cannot survive the disgrace.”
Going into the
room where the patient lay, I examined
him, and sure enough chill and fever was there in all
its
perfection.
Fearing the
effect the revelation might have upon the
Major, I attempted a pious fraud, and blundered out
something about its being a strange, singular, and
anomalous affection, not laid down in the books — never had
seen anything like it before. Certainly not chill and fever,
though even if it were — ha! ha! — it was still a disease,
though debased very much in modern times, I must
confess, not to be looked on with coolness, as
James the Second and
Oliver Cromwell were said to have died of it.
“Doctor Tensas,
don’t deceive me,” said the Major. I
assured him that I did not — that his son had not the chill
and fever. I was not fully assured of the nature of his
disease, but he might rest easy, as far as ague was concerned.
Reassured and
comforted by my positive declaration and
manner, the Major heaved a deep sigh of relief, and asked
me to stay all night. I would have assented, but my old
sorrel, remembering his well filled trough at home, and
fearing some such arrangement, put in an impatient and
positive nay, and I departed.
A day passed in
quietude; but who knows what the
morrow will bring forth? I was summoned, in greater haste
than before, to the Major’s. On reaching there, I
found him writhing in pain, both bodily and mentally, with
a handful of buttons, and a couple of jaw-teeth with them,
somewhat decayed.
“Doctor
Tensas,” he thundered out, “by the Eternal
you deceived me. My son had the chill and fever. He has it
now! Now, sir, now! Look at these buttons off and these
teeth shaken out, and then tell me if the blood of a line of
noble ancestors is not defiled, and my family disgraced for
ever? — my son have the chill and fever!” and a shudder
ran over his frame. “Chill and fever! Ha! ha! ha!” a fit of
hysterical, demoniacal laughter came over him. “Chill and
fever! Ha! ha! ha!” gurgled, mixed with the death-rattle
from his throat. I looked in his face — and thus died Major
Billy Subsequent, F. F. V. &c., of a chill and fever his son
had!
THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUNTER.
IN my round of
practice, I occasionally meet with men
whose peculiarities stamp them as belonging to a class
composed only of themselves. So different are they in
appearance, habits, taste, from the majority of mankind,
that it is impossible to classify them, and you have
therefore to set them down as queer birds “of a feather,”
that none resemble sufficiently to associate with.
I had a patient
once who was one of these queer ones;
gigantic in stature, uneducated, fearless of real danger, yet
timorous as a child of superstitious perils, born literally in
the woods, never having been in a city in his life, and his
idea of one being that it was a place where people met
together to make whiskey, and form plans for swindling
country folks. To view him at one time, you would think
him only a whiskey-drinking, bear-fat-loving mortal; at
other moments, he would give vent to ideas,
proving that beneath his rough exterior there ran a fiery
current of high enthusiastic ambition.
It is a
favourite theory of mine, and one that I am fond of
consoling myself with, for my own insignificance, that
there is no man born who is not capable of attaining
distinction, and no occupation that does not contain a
path leading to fame. To bide our time is all that is
necessary. I had expressed this view in the hearing of
Mik-hoo-tah, for so was the subject of this sketch called, and
it
seemed to chime in with his feelings exactly. Born in the
woods, and losing his parents early, he had forgotten his
real name, and the bent of his genius inclining him to the
slaying of bears, he had been given, even when a youth,
the name of Mik-hoo-tah, signifying “the grave of bears,”
by his Indian associates and admirers.
To glance in
and around his cabin, you would have
thought that the place had been selected for ages past by
the bear tribe to yield up their spirits in, so numerous were
the relics. Little chance, I ween, had the cold air to whistle
through that hut, so thickly was it tapestried with the soft,
downy hides, the darkness of the surface relieved
occasionally by the skin of a tender fawn, or the short-haired
irascible panther. From the joists depended bear-hams
and tongues innumerable, and the ground outside
was literally white with bones. Ay, he was a bear-hunter, in
its most comprehensive sense — the chief of that vigorous
band, whose occupation is nearly gone — crushed beneath
the advancing strides of romance-destroying civilization.
When his horn sounded — so tradition ran — the bears
began to draw lots to see who should die that day, for
painful experience had told them the uselessness of all
endeavouring to escape. The “Big Bear of Arkansas”
would not have given him an hour’s extra work, or raised a
fresh wrinkle on his already care-corrugated
brow. But, though almost daily imbruing his hands in the
blood of Bruin, Mik-hoo-tah had not become an impious
or cruel-hearted man. Such was his piety, that he never
killed a bear without getting down on his knees — to skin it -
and praying to be d——ned if it warn’t a buster; and such
his softness of heart, that he often wept, when he, by
mistake, had killed a suckling bear — depriving her poor
offspring of a mother’s care — and found her too poor to be
eaten. So indefatigable had he become in his pursuit, that
the bears bid fair to disappear from the face of the swamp,
and be known to posterity only through the one mentioned
in Scripture, that assisted Elisha to punish the impertinent
children, when an accident occurred to the hunter, which
raised their hopes of not being entirely exterminated.
One day, Mik
happened to come unfortunately in
contact with a
stray grizzly fellow, who, doubtless in the
indulgence of an adventurous spirit, had wandered away
from the Rocky Mountains, and formed a league for mutual
protection with his
black and more effeminate brethre of
the swamp. Mik saluted him, as he approached, with an
ounce ball in the forehead, to avenge half a dozen of his
best dogs, who lay in fragments around; the bullet
flattened upon his impenetrable skull, merely infuriating the
monster; and before Mik could reload, it was upon him.
Seizing him by the leg, it bore him to the ground, and
ground the limb to atoms. But before it could attack a more
vital part, the knife of the dauntless hunter had cloven its
heart, and it dropped dead upon the bleeding form of its
slayer, in which condition they were shortly found by
Mik’s comrades. Making a litter of branches, they placed
Mik upon it, and proceeded with all haste to their camp,
sending one of the company by a near cut for me, as I was
the nearest physician.
When I reached their temporary shelter I found Mik doing
better than I could have expected, with the exception of his
wounded leg, and that, from its crushed and mutilated
condition, I saw would have to be amputated immediately,
of which I informed Mik. As I expected, he opposed it
vehemently; but I convinced him of the impossibility of
saving it, assuring him if it were not amputated, he would
certainly die, and appealed to his good sense to grant
permission, which he did at last. The next difficulty was to
procure amputating instruments, the rarity of surgical
operations, and the generally slender purse of the “Swamp
Doctor,” not justifying him in purchasing expensive
instruments. A couple of bowie-knives, one ingeniously
hacked and filed into a saw — a tourniquet made of a belt
and piece of stick — a gun-screw converted for the time into
a
tenaculum
— and some buckskin slips for ligatures,
completed my case of instruments for amputation. The city
physician may smile at this recital, but I assure him many a
more difficult operation than the amputation of a leg, has
been performed by his humble brother in the “swamp,”
with far more simple means than those I have mentioned.
The preparations being completed, Mik refused to have his
arms bound, and commenced singing a bear song; and
throughout the whole operation, which was necessarily
tedious, he never uttered a groan, or missed a single stave.
The next day, I had him conveyed by easy stages to his
pre-emption; and tending assiduously, in the course of a few
weeks, he had recovered sufficiently for me to cease
attentions. I made him a wooden leg, which answered a
good purpose; and with a sigh of regret for the spoiling of
such a good hunter, I struck him from my list of patients.
A few months
passed over and I heard nothing more of
him. Newer, but not brighter, stars were in the ascendant,
filling with their deeds the clanging trump of bear-killing
fame, and, but for the quantity of bear-blankets in the
neighbouring cabins, and the painful absence of his usual
present of bear-hams, Mik-hoo-tah bid fair to suffer that
fate most terrible to aspiring ambitionists — forgetfulness
during life. The sun, in despair at the stern necessity which
compelled him to yield up his tender offspring, day, to the
gloomy grave of darkness, had stretched forth his long
arms, and, with the tenacity of a drowning man clinging to a
straw, had clutched the tender whispering straw-like
topmost branches of the trees — in other words it was near
sunset — when I arrived at home from a long wearisome
semi-ride-and-swim through the swamp. Receiving a
negative to my inquiry whether there were any new calls, I
was felicitating myself upon a quiet night beside my tidy
bachelor hearth, undisturbed by crying children, babbling
women, or amorous cats — the usual accompaniments of
married life — when, like a poor henpecked Benedick crying
for peace when there is no peace, I was doomed to
disappointment. Hearing the splash of a paddle in the
bayou running before the-door, I turned my head towards
the bank, and soon beheld, first the tail of a coon, next his
body, a human face, and, the top of the bank being gained,
a full-proportioned form clad in the garments which, better
than any printed label, wrote him down raftsman, trapper,
bear-hunter. He was a messenger from the indefatigable
bear-hunter, Mik-hoo-tah. Asking him what was the matter,
as soon as he could get the knots untied which two-thirds
drunkenness had made in his tongue, he informed me, to my
sincere regret, that Mik went out that morning on a bear-hunt,
and in a fight with one had got his leg broke all to
flinders, if possible worse than the other, and that he
wanted me to come quickly. Getting into the canoe, which
awaited me, I wrapped myself in my blanket, and yielding to
my fatigue, was soon fast asleep. I did not awaken until the
canoe striking against the bank, as it landed at Mik’s
pre-emption, nearly threw me in the bayou, and entirely
succeeded with regard to my half-drunken paddler, who — like the
sailor who circumnavigated the world and then was
drowned in a puddle-hole in his own garden — had
escaped all the perils of the tortuous bayou to be pitched
overboard when there was nothing to do but step out and
tie the dug-out. Assisting him out of the water, we
proceeded to the house, when, to my indignation, I learnt
that the drunken messenger had given me the long trip for
nothing, Mik only wanting me to make him a new wooden
leg, the old one having been completely demolished that
morning.
Relieving
myself by a satisfactory oath, I would have
returned that night, but the distance was too great for one
fatigued as I was, so I had to content myself with such
accommodations as Mik’s cabin afforded, which, to one
blessed like myself with the happy faculty of ready
adaptation to circumstances, was not a very difficult task.
I was surprised
to perceive the change in Mik’s
appearance. From nearly a giant, he had wasted to a mere
huge bony frame-work; the skin of his face clung tightly to
the bones, and showed nothing of those laughter-moving
features that were wont to adorn his visage; only his eye
remained unchanged, and it had lost none of its brilliancy —
the flint had lost none of its fire.
“What on earth
is the matter with you, Mik? I have
never seen any one fall off so fast; you have wasted to a
skeleton — surely you must have the consumption.”
“Do you think
so, Doc? I’ll soon show you whether the
old bellows has lost any of its force!” and hopping to the
door, which he threw wide open, he gave a death-hug
rally to his dogs, in such a loud and piercing tone, that I
imagined a steam whistle was being discharged in my ear,
and for several moments could hear nothing distinctly.
“That will do!
stop!” I yelled, as I saw Mik drawing in
his breath preparatory to another effort of his vocal
strength; “I am satisfied you have not got consumption;
but what has wasted you so, Mik? Surely, you ain’t in love?”
“Love! h-ll!
you don’t suppose, Doc, even if I was
‘tarmined to make a cussed fool of myself, that there is any
gal in the swamp that could stand that hug, do you?” and
catching up a huge bull-dog, who lay basking himself by
the fire, he gave him such a squeeze that the animal yelled
with pain, and for a few moments appeared dead. “No, Doc,
it’s grief, pure sorrur, sorrur, Doc! when I looks at what I is
now and what I used to be! Jes think, Doc, of the fust
hunter in the swamp having his sport spilte, like bar-meat in
summer without salt! Jes think of a man standin’ up one day
and blessing old Master for having put bar in creation, and
the next cussing high heaven and low h-ll ‘cause he
couldn’t ‘sist in puttin’ them out! Warn’t it enough to bring
tears to the eyes of an Injun tater, much less take the fat off
a bar-hunter? Doc, I fell off like
’simmons
arter frost, and
folks as doubted me, needn’t had asked whether I war
‘ceitful or not, for they could have seed plum threw me! The
bar and
painter got so saucy that they’d cum to the tother
side of the bayou and see which could talk the impudentest!
‘Don’t you want some bar-meat or painter blanket?’
they’d ask; ‘bars is monstrous fat, and painter’s hide is
mighty warm!’ Oh! Doc, I was a miserable man! The sky
warn’t blue for me, the sun war always cloudy, and the
shade-trees gin no shade
for me. Even the dogs forgot me, and the little children quit
coming and asking, ‘Please, Mr. Bar-Grave, cotch me a
young bar or a painter kitten.’ Doc, the tears would cum in
my eyes and the hot blood would cum biling up from my
heart, when I’d hobble out of a sundown and hear the boys
tell, as they went by, of the sport they’d had that day, and
how the bar fit ‘fore he was killed, and how fat he war arter
he was slayed. Long arter they was gone, and the whip-poor-will
had eat up their voices, I would sit out there on
the old stump, and think of the things that used to hold the
biggest place in my mind when I was a boy, and p’raps
sense I’ve bin a man.
“I’d heard tell
of distinction and fame, and people’s
names never dying, and how
Washington and Franklin
,
and Clay and Jackson, and a heap of political dicshunary-folks,
would live when their big hearts had crumbled down
to a rifle-charge of dust; and I begun, too, to think, Doc,
what a pleasant thing it would be to know folks a million
years off would talk of me like them, and it made me ‘tarmine
to ‘stinguish myself, and have my name put in a book with
a yaller kiver. I warn’t a genus, Doc, I nude that, nor I
warn’t dicshunary; so I determined to strike out in a new
track for glory, and ‘title myself to be called the ‘
bear-hunter
of Ameriky.’ Doc, my heart jumpt up, and I belted
my hunting-shirt tighter for fear it would lepe out when I
fust spoke them words out loud.
“‘3The
bar-hunter of Ameriky!’ Doc, you know whether
I war ernin’ the name when I war ruined. There is not a
child, white, black, Injun, or nigger, from the Arkansas line
to Trinity, but what has heard of me, and I were happy
when” — here a tremor of his voice and a tear glistening in
the glare of the fire told the old fellow’s emotion — “when — but
les take a drink — Doc, I found I was dying — I war
gettin’ weaker and weaker — I nude
your truck warn’t what I needed, or I’d sent for you. A bar-hunt
war the medsin that my systum required, a fust class
bar-hunt, the music of the dogs, the fellers a screaming, the
cane poppin’, the rifles crackin’, the bar growlin’, the fight
hand to hand, slap goes his paw, and a dog’s hide hangs on
one cane and his body on another, the knife glistenin’ and
then goin’ plump up to the handle in his heart! — Oh! Doc,
this was what I needed, and I swore, since death were
huggin’ me, anyhow, I mite as well feel his last grip in a
bar-hunt.
“I seed the
boys goin’ long one day, and haled them to
wait awhile, as I believed I would go along too. I war frade if
I kept out of a hunt much longer I wood get outen practis.
They laughed at me, thinkin’ I war jokin’; for wat cood a
sick, old, one-legged man do in a bar-hunt? how cood he
get threw the swamp, and vines, and canes, and backwater?
and s’pose he mist the bar, how war he to get outen the way?
“But I war
‘tarmined on goin’; my dander was up, and I
swore I wood go, tellin’ them if I coodent travel ‘bout much,
I could take a stand. Seein’ it war no use tryin’ to ‘swade me,
they saddled my poney, and off we started. I felt better right
off. I knew I cuddent do much in the chase, so I told the
fellers I would go to the cross-path stand, and wate for the
bar, as he would be sarten to cum by thar. You have never
seed the cross-path stand, Doc. It’s the singularest place in
the swamp. It’s rite in the middle of a canebrake, thicker than
har on a bar-hide, down in a deep sink, that looks like the
devil had cummenst diggin’ a skylite for his pre-emption. I
knew it war a dangersome place for a well man to go in,
much less
a one-leg cripple but I war ‘tarmined that time to
give a deal on the dead wood, and play my hand out. The
boys gin me time to get to the stand, and then cummenst
the drive. The bar seemed ‘tarmined on disappinting
me, for the fust thing I heard of the dogs and bar, they was
outen hearing. Everything got quiet, and I got so wrathy at
not being able to foller up the chase, that I cust till the
trees
cummenst shedding their leaves and small branches, when
I herd them lumbrin back, and I nude they war makin’ to me.
I primed old ‘bar death’ fresh, and rubbed the frizin, for it
war no time for rifle to get to snappin’. Thinks I, if I happen
to miss, I’ll try what virtue there is in a knife — when, Doc,
my knife war gone. H-ll! bar, for God’s sake have a soft
head, and die easy, for I can’t run!
“Doc, you’ve
hearn a bar bustin’ threw a cane-brake, and
know how near to a harrycane it is. I almost cummenst
dodgin’ the trees, thinkin’ it war the best in the shop one a
comin’, for it beat the loudest thunder ever I heard; that ole
bar did, comin’ to get his death from an ole, one-legged
cripple, what had slayed more of his brethren than his
nigger foot had ever made trax in the mud. Doc, he heerd a
monstrus long ways ahead of the dogs. I warn’t skeered,
but I must own, as I had but one shot, an’ no knife, I wud
have prefurd they had been closer. But here he cum! he bar — big
as a bull — boys off h-llwards — dogs nowhar — no
knife — but one shot — and only one leg that cood run!
“The bar
‘peered s’prised to see me standin’ ready for
him in the openin’; for it war currently reported ‘mong his
brethren that I war either dead, or no use for bar. I thought
fust he war skeered; and, Doc, I b’leve he war, till he cotch a
sight of my wooden leg, and that toch his pride, for he
knew he would be hist outen every she bear’s company, ef
he run from a poor, sickly, one-legged cripple, so on he
cum, a small river of slobber pourin from his mouth, and the
blue smoke curlin outen his ears. I tuck
good aim at his left, and let drive. The ball struck him on the
eyebrow, and glanced off, only stunnin’ him for a moment, jes
givin’ me time to club my rifle, an’ on he kum, as fierce as old
grizzly. As he got in reach, I gin him a lick ‘cross the
temples,
brakin’ the stock in fifty pieces, an’ knockin’ him senseless. I
struv to foller up the lick, when, Doc, I war fast — my timber
toe had run inter the ground, and I cuddent git out, though I
jerked hard enuf almost to bring my thigh out of joint. I
stuped to unscrew the infurnal thing, when the bar cum too,
and cum at me agen. Vim! I tuck him over the head, and,
cochunk, he keeled over. H-ll! but I cavorted and pitched. Thar
war
my wust enemy, watin’ for me to giv him a finisher, an’ I
cuddent git at him. I’d cummense unscrewin’ leg — here cum
bar — vim — cochunck — he’d fall out of reach — and, Doc, I
cuddent git to him. I kept workin’ my body round, so as to
unscrew the leg, and keep the bar off till I cood ‘complish it,
when jes as I tuck the last turn, and got loose from the d————d
thing, here cum bar, more venimous than ever, and I nude
thar war death to one out, and comin’ shortly. I let him get
close, an’ then cum down with a perfect tornado on his
head, as I thought; but the old villin had learnt the dodge -
the barrel jes struck him on the side of the head, and glanst
off, slinging itself out of my hands bout twenty feet ‘mongst
the thick cane, and thar I war in a fix sure. Bar but little
hurt — no gun — no knife — no dogs — no frens — no chance to
climb — an’ only one leg that cood run. Doc, I jes
cummenst
makin’ ‘pologies to ole Master, when an idee struck me. Doc,
did you ever see a piney woods nigger pullin at a sassafras
root? or a suckin’ pig in a tater patch arter the big yams?
You has! Well, you can ‘magin how I jurkt at that wudden
leg, for it war the last of pea-time with me, sure, if I didn’t
rise
‘fore bar did.
At last, they both cum up, bout the same time, and I
braced myself for a death struggle.
“We fit all
round that holler! Fust I’d foller bar, and then
bar would chase me! I’d make a lick, he’d fend off, and
showin’ a set of teeth that no doctor, ‘cept natur, had ever
wurkt at, cum tearin’ at me! We both ‘gan to git tired, I
heard the boys and dogs cumin’, so did bar, and we were
both anxshus to bring the thing to a close ‘fore they cum
up, though I wuddent thought they were intrudin’ ef they
had cum up some time afore.
“I’d worn the
old leg pretty well off to the second jint,
when, jest ‘fore I made a lick, the noise of the boys and the
dogs cummin’ sorter confused bar, and he made a stumble,
and bein’ off his guard I got a fair lick! The way that bar’s
flesh giv in to the soft impresshuns of that leg war an honor
to the mederkal perfeshun for having invented sich a
weepun! I hollered — but you have heered me holler an’ I
won’t describe it — I had whipped a bar in a fair hand to
hand fight — me, an old sickly one-legged bar-hunter! The
boys cum up, and, when they seed the ground we had fit
over, they swore they would hav thought, ‘stead of a bar-fight,
that I had been cuttin’ cane and deadenin’ timber for a
corn-patch, the sile war so worked up, they then handed me
a knife to finish the work.
“Doc, les
licker, it’s a dry talk — when will you make
me another leg? for bar-meat is not over plenty in the
cabin, and I feel like tryin’ another!”
LOVE IN A GARDEN.
In the whole
range of human attributes there are not two
more antagonistical qualities than courage and cowardice; yet,
how frequently we find them existing in the same person,
ensconced under the same coat of skin! In the form that
contains a spirit that would face with unblenching
eye the fiercest peril of man’s existence, we will
often discover a timorous sprite, who hems and hesitates,
and falters and trembles, at an enemy no more formidable
than a pair of soft blue eyes, pouring their streams of liquid
subduing tenderness, or else a brace of piercing black
orbits, which, like the
fire of the ancient Greeks, burn the
fiercer for the water which love pours over them, in the
shape of tears.
And, odd as it
may seem, this discordant association of
heroism and timidity is not found in weak effeminate
nervous men, but in those whose almost gigantic
proportions, eagle eye, and dauntless bearing convey any
idea but that there is stuff for trembling in their stalwart
frames. But they are the ones who generally manifest the
greatest cowardice — place them before a battery of girls’
eyes, and it proves literally a
gal-vanic battery,
shocking
them to such a degree that they usually do something they
never intended, and say things that they never meant. Let
one of these animals be in love, and what a mess he
generally makes of the affair! Did you ever know one to
“pop the question” in a respectable civilized manner? — That
is, if he ever exalted his courage sufficiently to get
that near to matrimony. My word for
it — never. No suit for breach of promise could
be ever brought against one of them — for such is the
noncommittalism of their incoherency, that no woman, on her
oath, could avow, even were they conjugated at the time,
that he ever asked her to marry him; the intuitive feeling of
her sex alone enabled her to draw the idea that he was
addressing her, from the mass of his discordant,
incoherent, lingual ramblings, when the question was being
popped.
This
philosophizing is intended as a preface or
premonitory symptom of a story, illustrative of the trait;
which, like measles, when repelled by cold air, has struck in
upon my memory, and which, carrying out the idea,
requires, like the aforesaid measles, to be brought to the
surface in order that I may feel relieved.
Among the many
acquaintances that my profession
enabled me to make in the swamp, no one afforded me more
pleasure than Jerry Wilson, the son of a small planter
resident some few miles from my shingle. There was
something so manly and frank in his bearing that our
feelings were irresistibly attracted towards him. In my case
it proved to be mutual: he seemed to take the same interest
in me, and we soon became bosom friends. A severe attack
of congestive fever that I carried him through successfully,
riveted him to me for ever; and Jerry, upon all and every
occasion, stood ready to take up the gauntlet in my
defence, as willingly as in his own. Being very popular in the
neighbourhood, he became of great assistance to me, by
advocating my cause, and extending, by his favourable
representations, my circle of practice.
The plantation
adjoining Jerry’s father’s was possessed
by an old, broken-down Virginian, who, having dissipated
one fortune in conforming to the requirements of
fashionable life, had come into the swamp, to endure its many
privations, in order that he might recruit his impoverished
finances.
Adversity, or
something better, had taught him the folly
of the prominent foible of the Virginian — insane state
pride, and consequent individual importance. His mind was
prepared to test men by the proper criterion — merit,
without regard to the adventitious circumstances of birth,
wealth, or nativity.
Major Smith
deserves the
meed,
I believe, for being the
first one of the race to acknowledge that he was not an
F.F; which confession, showing his integrity of character,
proved to me that he really was one of the very first of the
land. But, in describing the father, I am neglecting by far
the most interesting, if not the most important character of
the story — his daughter — a sweet blooming girl of
seventeen, at the time of which I write. Ah! she was the
bright exemplar of her sex! Look in her eye — so luminous,
yet so tender, and far down in its dreamy still waters, you
could see the gems of purity and feeling glimmering; listen
to her voice — and never yet forest bird, on the topmost
leafy bough, gave forth such a gush of melody, as when it
rose and melted away in a laugh; her modesty and timidity — you
have seen the wild fawn, when, pausing on the brink
of some placid lake, it sees its beautiful image reflected in
the waters — thus shrank she, as if into herself, when voice
of love, or praise, or admiration stole into her ears — and yet,
with all her maidenly reserve and timidity, she loved and
was beloved. Knowing that I am a bachelor, think not, in
this recital, that my swelling heart is tearing open anew
wounds which time and philosophy have just enabled me
to heal. No! my fair friend — for friend she was, and is — never
kindled in my heart the flames of love, or heard aught
of the soft impeachment from me; for, long before I had
seen her,
the “Swamp Doctor” had wedded his books and calling —
rather a frigid bride, but not an unprolific one, and her
yearly increase, instead of bringing lines of anxiety to
my brow, smooths the wrinkles that care and deep
thought — certainly it cannot be age — Lord! Lord! I
have broken my wig spring — have dropped upon my visage!
My friend Jerry
was the favoured mortal, and, without
doubt, in an equal intensity reciprocated her love; but
cowardice had hitherto prevented an avowal upon his part,
and the two lovers, therefore, dwelt in a delicious state of
uncertainty and suspense. No one, to know Jerry, as the
majority of men — going through the world with their noses
either too elevated or too depressed for observation — know
their kind, would have thought him a coward: but I
knew, that, as respected women, a more arrant
poltroon
did
not exist. He would have met any peril that resolution,
strength, or a contempt for life could overcome, without
fear of the consequences or the least tremor; and yet he
dared not for his life tell a pretty girl, “that he loved her,
and
would be highly pleased, and sorter tickled, too, if she
would marry him.” There was something more terrible in the
idea of such an avowal, than fighting bears, hugging
Indians, or strangling panthers.
The poor girl,
with the intuitive perception of her sex,
had long perceived that Jerry loved her as ardently as if the
avowal on his part had already been made. Almost daily
she saw him, eagerly she awaited a declaration, but poor
Jerry never could get his courage to the sticking point;
like Bob Acres, it would ooze out at his fingers’ points, in
spite of himself and his determination to bring things to the
condition of a fixed fact.
Matters were in
this state when I became fully
acquainted with them; she was willing, he was willing, and
yet, if they kept on in the way they way pursuing, they
both bid fair to remain in single blessedness for a long
time to come. Deeply interested in the welfare of both parties,
I thought I could not manifest my sympathy better than by kindly
intervening and producing that crisis which I knew would
accord with the feelings of both.
A slight attack
of fever of the lady’s, not requiring medical
aid, but which a father’s fears magnified, and would
not be allayed until I had been sent for, introduced me fully
to the confidence of the daughter; and a trite experiment,
which I tried upon her, convinced me that all that my friend
Jerry had to do was to ask, and it would be given.
Holding my fair
patient’s hand, which, resting in mine,
looked like a pearl in a setting of jet, I placed my fingers
upon her pulse, and, whilst pretending to number it,
accidentally, as it were, mentioned Jerry’s name — the
sudden thrill that pervaded the artery assured me that she
loved — lifting my eyes to her face, I gave her an expressive
look, which suffused her beauteous countenance, as if she was
passing into the second stage of scarlet fever.
My next duty
was to seek Jerry. I found him seated on a
log, under a shady willow by the edge of the bayou, pole in
hand, assuming to be angling. The tense state of his line,
and an occasional quiver of the pole, indicated that a fish
was hooked. Passing unnoticed by him, a stranger would
have come to one of three conclusions: that he was
deranged, in love, or a born fool.
Walking up to
him briskly, without his hearing me,
although I made considerable noise getting down the bank,
I slapped him on the shoulder to engage his attention, and,
as I had several patients to visit, and time was precious,
without waiting for the usual salutations of the
day, commenced my address in a real quarter race manner: —
“Jerry, for a
sensible man, and a fellow of courage, you
are the d———dest fool and coward unhung. You love a girl — the
girl loves you. You know that the old people are willing,
and that the girl is only waiting for you to pop the
question, to say ‘Yes!’ and yet, instead of having the thing
over, like white folks, and becoming the head of a
respectable family, here you sit, like a knot on
a tree, with the moss commencing to grow on your back,
pretending to be fishing, and yet not knowing that a big cat
is almost breaking your line to shivers.
“Now I want to
do you a service, and you must take my
advice. Jerk that fish out, take the hook out of his mouth,
and then put him back in the bayou — perhaps his
sweetheart was waiting for him when he got hung; and as
you are in a like predicament, you should be able to say to
the gal, ‘That mercy I to others show, that mercy show to
me!’ Go home, put on a clean shirt, shave that hair off your
your face and upper lip; for a sensible woman never yet
accepted a man, with nothing but the tip of his nose visible
from its wilderness of hair. Dress yourself decently, go up
to old Smith’s, wait till you get rested, then ask the girl to
take a walk in the garden — gardens are a hell of a place to
make love in — to look at the flowers, to eat radishes, to
pluck grapes — anything for an excuse to get her there — and when
you have got her under the arbour, don’t fall on
your knees, or any of your fool novel notions, but stand
straight up before her, take both of her hands in yours,
look her dead in the eyes, and ask her, in a bold, manly way —
as if you were pricing pork — to marry you. Will you
do it? Speak quick! I’m interested in the matter, for if you
don’t do it to-day, by the Lord, I will, for myself, to
morrow. I have held off for
you long enough; and if you don’t bring matters to a close,
as I say, in the next twenty-four hours, as cold weather is
coming on, I’ll try my hand myself in the courting line — you
know doctors are the very devil amongst the women!”
This method of
address alarmed Jerry, and he promised
he would do as I directed.
Accompanying
him home, I saw him fairly dressed, and
then left him, as the demands of my patients were urgent.
Jerry mounted
his steed, and set of at a brisk canter for
Major Smith’s. It was only a mile and a half, and would
have been travelled in a quarter of an hour, had the steed
kept his gait. But, somehow, as the distance shortened, the
canter ceased, and a pace superseded it; the last half, his
rate had moderated to a walk; and when he made the last
turn in the road, his horse was browsing the grass and
cane. Up to the last few hundred yards, Jerry was as brave
as a panther with cubs, and determined on following out
my prescription to the letter; but the moment the house,
with its white chimneys, commenced appearing round the
bend of the bayou, the white pin feathers began to peep
out in his heart, and verily, nothing, I believe, but my
threat, if he proved recreant to-day, of courting her myself
on the morrow, kept him from giving up the chase, and
retracing his steps home.
But the house
was reached, and the hearty voice of the
Major, bidding him alight, cut off all retreat. He was fairly in
it.
Jerry got down,
left the yard gate carefully open behind
him, led his horse up the Major’s fine grass-walk to the
steps, and was about bringing him with him into the house,
when a servant relieved him of the task by carrying the
steed to the stable. Not noticing the air of astonishment
with which the old Major was regarding him, he shook
hands with the negro for Major Smith, and bowing to a
large yellow water-jar, addressed it as “Miss Mary,” and
then finished the performances by sitting down in a large
basket of eggs; the sudden yielding of his seat, and the
laughter of both father and daughter, aroused him to a full
consciousness of how ridiculously he was acting. His
apologies and explanations only served to render bad
worse, and he therefore wisely determined to take a chair
and say nothing more. Dinner was shortly announced, and
this he concluded in very respectable style, without making
any more serious mistake than eating cabbage with a
spoon, or helping the lady to the drum-stick of the chicken.
A cigar was smoked after dinner, and then the old Major,
giving a shrewd guess how the land lay, declared that he
must take his afternoon nap, and retired, leaving the field to
Jerry and the daughter. “Now or never,” was the motto
with Jerry.
The old Major,
in addition to planting cotton, and
retrieving a dissipated fortune, was a great dabbler in
horticulture, and had bestowed great attention upon the
cultivation of the grape. By much care and grafting, he
had so improved upon the common varieties of the country
as to render them but slightly inferior to the choicest
foreign specimens. An extensive arbour was in the middle
of the garden — the finest and most extensive in the swamp — and
this was literally covered with the ruddy clusters of
grapes, now in the fullest tide of ripeness.
“Now or never,”
I say, was the word with Jerry. Making
a desperate effort, he faltered out, “Miss Mary, your father
has a very fine garden! shall we go look at the grapes? I
am very fond of them, Miss Mary! do you like grapes,
Miss Mary? Ha! ha!” — the cold sweat bursting out from
every pore.
“Very much, Mr.
Wilson, and pa’s are really very fine,
considering that they have not the quality of being exotics
to recommend them to our taste. I will accompany you to taste
them with much pleasure,” replied Miss Mary; and tripping
into the house, soon appeared, with the sweetest little
sun-bonnet on, that witching damsel ever wore.
Jerry,
frightened nearly to death at the awful propinquity
of the “question popping,” could scarcely stand, for his
agitation; and poor Miss Mary, apprehending from Jerry’s
manner that the garden was destined to become the
recipient of some awfully horrible avowal — perhaps Jerry
had murdered somebody, and his conscience was forcing
him to disclose; or he had discovered that an insurrection
of the negroes was contemplated; or — surely he was not
going to make a declaration — oh, no! she knew it was not
anything of that kind — began to participate in Jerry’s
embarrassment and trepidation. More like criminals
proceeding to execution, than young people going to pluck
grapes, they sought the garden; the gate was closed
behind them, and in a few moments more they stood under
the arbour.
The grapes were
hanging down upon all sides in the
greatest profusion; and, twining their purple masses
together, seemingly cried out, “Come eat us!”
Jerry was the
very picture of terror. Oh! how he wished
that he was safe at home! But it was too late to retreat — he
could only procrastinate. But still, men had gone as far as
walking in a secluded garden with a lady, and then died old
bachelors. But then that infernal doctor to-morrow — the
die was cast, he would go on. The question was, how
should he approach the subject, so as not to destroy life in
the young lady, when the dreadful business of his visit was
announced? He must prepare
her for it gradually — the grapes offered an introductory —
the impolite fellow, not to offer her any during the long
time they had been in the arbour — they had just a second
before reached it.
Plucking off a
large bunch, he handed them to her, and
selected a similar one for himself They were devoured in
silence, Jerry too badly frightened to speak, and Mary
wondering what in the world was to come next. The grapes
were consumed, another pair of bunches selected, and the
sound of their champing jaws was all that broke the
stillness. Jerry’s eyes were fixed on his bunch, and Mary
was watching the motions of an agile snail. The cluster
was in process of disappearance, when Jerry, summoning
his whole energies, commenced his declamation: “Miss
Mary, I have something to impart” — here he came to a full
stop, and looked up, as if to draw inspiration from heaven;
but the umbrageous foliage intercepted his view, and only
the grapes met his eye — and their juice requires to be
gone through with several processes, before much
exhilaration or eloquence can be drawn from it. Plucking a
quantity, he swallowed them, to relieve his throat, which
was becoming strangely dry and harsh.
Miss Mary, poor
girl, was sitting there, very much confused, busily eating
grapes; neither she nor Jerry
knew, whilst continuing to eat, the quantity that they had
consumed: their thoughts were elsewhere.
“Miss Mary,”
again upspoke Jerry, “you must have
seen long before this — but la! your bunch is eaten — have some
more grapes, Miss Mary? I like them very
much” — and amidst much snubbling and champing,
another package of grapes was warehoused by the lovers.
Jerry’s fix was
becoming desperate; time was flying
rapidly, and he knew one subject would soon be exhausted,
for he could eat but few more grapes. Oh! how he wished
that fighting a panther, fist-fight, had been made one of the
conventialities of society, and assumed to be declaratory
of the soft passion! how quickly would his bride be
wooed! — but those infernal words! he could never arrange
them so as to express what he meant. “Miss Mary, you must
know that I saw Dr. Tensas, to-day, he told me — have
some more, Miss Mary, they won’t hurt you. I have come
expressly to ask you — have another bunch, let me insist. I
have come, Miss Mary, to propose — another small
bunch” — “Mary, I have come,” he almost shrieked, “to
ask you to have — only a few more — Oh! Lord!” and he
wiped the cold sweat off. Poor fellow! his pluck would not
hold out.
Mary,
frightened at his vehemence, said nothing, but
eat on mechanically, anxious to hear what it was that Jerry
wished to disclose.
Again he
marshalled his forces: the sun was declining in
the west, and the morrow would, perhaps, see the “Swamp
Doctor,” with his glib tongue, breathing his vows — “Miss
Mary, I — I love — grapes — no, you — grapes — will you
have me — some grapes — marry me — no grapes — yes,
me! Oh! Lord! it is all over! You will — bless you — I must
have a kiss. You haven’t consented yet — but you must!”
The barrier seemed to drop, the spell was lifted off his
tongue, and Jerry, in a stream of native eloquence, running
the fiercer for being so long pent up plead his cause; could it
be unsuccessful? Oh! no! Mary had made up her mind
long ago.
Side by side,
now, all their diffidence vanished; they sat
under the blessed arbour, and discoursed of their past
fears, and bright hopes for the future! Jerry held the head
of his mistress on his leal and noble breast, and, as in a
sweet and pure strain he pictured forth the quiet
domestic life they were to lead when married, Mary could
scarcely believe that the impudent fellow who now talked
so glibly, and stole, in spite of her rebukes, kisses
unnumbered, was the timid nervous swain of a few
minutes before.
But lo! behold
what a sudden transformation! Has Jerry
struck some discordant note in his sweet melody of the
future — for Mary’s features are contracted, as if with pain,
and her pretty face, in spite of herself, wears a
vinegar aspect. Rather early, I opine, for ladies to
commence the shrew — if I am wrong, lady reader, attribute
the error to the ignorance of an old bachelor. Jerry, too,
seems to partake of the sour contagion — he stamps upon
the ground, writhes his body about, and presses his hand
upon his stomach, ignorant, I presume, of anatomy. He
meant to lay them over his heart, poor fellow! he got too
low down. Mary, too, is evincing the ardency of her
affection; and with the same deplorable ignorance of the
locality of the organs. Verily, love is affecting them
singularly. It may be a pleasant passion, but that couple,
who certainly have a fresh, I will not say genuine, article of
love, look like anything but happy accepted lovers. What
can be the matter? They have just read an extract from one
of
Cowper’s bu-colics
— but can poetry produce such an
effect? They groan, and writhe their bodies about, and
would press their hearts, if they only lay where their
digestive apparatus certainly does. Can the grapes have
anything to do with their queer contortions? “Heavens!”
Jerry cries, as a horrid suspicion flashes over his mind,
“The cholera! The cholera! Dearest, we will die together,
locked in each other’s arms!” and Jerry sought to embrace
his lady love; but she was scrouched up, I believe the
ladies
term it, and as he had assumed the same globular position,
approximation could not be
effected, and death had acquired another pang, from their
having to meet him separate.
Fortunately for
them, the Major had got his sleep out
some hours before, and, becoming anxious at their prolonged
stay, set out to seek them. As the garden was a
quiet, secluded place, he thought them most likely to be
there, and there he found them, labouring under the influence,
not so much of love as — the truth must out — an overdose
of grapes: and you know how they affect the system.
A boy was
despatched post haste after me. Fortunately
I was at home, and quickly reached the spot. I reached
the house, and was introduced immediately to the apartment
where both the patients lay. A glance at their condition
and position explained the cause fully of their disease.
A hearty
emetic
effected a cure; and the first child of
Jerry and Mary Wilson was distinctly marked on the
left shoulder with a bunch of grapes.
HOW TO CURE
FITS
.
NOT none of the
least difficult problems, in the practice
of medicine, is the distinguishing between cases of real
disease, and those that are feigned. It is a great stumbling
block in the path of young practitioners, and even the
old members of the fraternity find a few chips of it in their
way occasionally. To such a degree may the art of dissimulation
be carried, that nothing but the eye of suspicion
and blind presentiment will lead us to detect the imposition.
I have known a case of simulated disease, after
deceiving some of the first physicians in the South, and
withstanding almost every species of treatment, to be
cured by an energetic, liberal administration of the
negro-whip. But this is a remedy that fearful humanity
will not allow us to use, and consequently I never resort
to it, but use equally as effective, but uninjurious means.
Shortly after I
commenced practice, I was sent for in a
great hurry to see a case of fits in the person of a negro
wench, belonging to a plantation a few miles from where
I was located. The fit was over when I reached the
place, and I found the patient resting very composedly
and showing no evidence of present or past disease; but
the testimony of her master went to show that she had
had one of the worst fits he had ever seen, and he ought
to know something about fits, as he had lived several
years in Arkansas, where the doctors invariably throw
every case into fits as preliminary to a cure.
I made a
prescription suitable to his description, and
returned home, only to be sent for in greater haste the
next day, and so on every day for a week, the fits seeming
to increase in intensity under my treatment. I remarked,
as a peculiarity of her case, that on Sundays, and when
rain prevented her being put out to work, she escaped the
attack; but hardly could the hoe-handle salute her palm in
the cotton-field, before she would be screeching, yelping,
and struggling like a friend of mine, who, camping out,
made his pillow of a fallen, but still tenanted hornets’ nest.
I became
desperate; the owner was becoming tired of
sending for me, and my reputation was suffering, for the
patient was getting worse. I examined her again thoroughly, but
nothing could I find in her digestive,
arterial, nervous, muscular, or osseous systems, to indicate
disease. I shaved all the wool off her head to feel for
depressed skull-bones, and commencing the Materia Medica at
Acetic Acid, administered through to Zingiber,
concluding the course by knocking her senseless with a
galvanic battery; but she stood fits, treatment, and everything
else without change, and not till a strong impression rested on
my mind that she was feigning, did a
different course of treatment suggest itself to me. The
plantation lay on both sides of a deep bayou, the link of
connexion a high wooden bridge. I happened in one
day at the house, when I perceived four negroes approaching
the bridge from the opposite field, bearing some object
in a blanket.
Finding, on
inquiry, that my patient had that morning
started to work in that part of the plantation, I readily
surmised that the blanket aforesaid contained my case
of fits.
Asking the
overseer to accompany me, we advanced to
meet the negroes, who seemed to have great difficulty in
keeping the object in the blanket; we met them just as
they reached the centre of the bridge, the water under
neath being some eight or ten feet deep.
“Who have you
got there?” I asked.
“Hannah, sir,
has got another of her fits,” replied one
of the negroes.
“Put her down
on the bridge and let me examine her.”
It was done; it required the united strength of the four
negroes to hold her still whilst I made the necessary
examination, the result of which confirmed my impression
that she was simulating. I thundered almost in her ears,
but she gave no answer, and I determined to put in execution my
new plan of treatment.
“Pick her up
and throw her in the bayou,” I said, very
clearly and precisely.
Knowing I
rarely said what I did not mean, the negroes
yet hesitated somewhat at the singular command, afraid
either to obey or refuse.
“Throw her in!”
I yelled giving a thundering stamp on the bridge.
No longer in
doubt, the negroes picked up the blanket,
and giving it a few preliminary swings, to acquire
momentum, were about to cast away, when, with a loud yell,
the case of fits burst from their hold and made tracks for
the cotton-field. I am pretty fleet myself, as were the
negroes, but that poor diseased invalid beat us all, and
had hoed considerably on a row before we reached her.
A liberal flagellation completed the cure, and she has
never been troubled with fits since!
A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE.
IT was the
spring of 183-, the water from the Mississippi
had commenced overflowing the low swamps, and
rendering travelling on horseback very disagreeable. The
water had got to that troublesome height, when it was
rather too high for a horse, and not high enough for a
canoe or skiff to pass easily over the submerged grounds.
I was sitting
out under my favourite oak, congratulating
myself that I had no travelling to do just then, — it was
very healthy — when my joy was suddenly nipped in the
bud by a loud hello from the opposite side of the bayou.
Looking over, and answering the hail, I discerned first a
mule, and then something which so closely resembled an
ape or an ourang outang, that I was in doubt whether the
voice had proceeded from it, until a repetition of the hail,
this time coming unmistakeably from it, assured me that it
was a human.
“Massa doctor
at home?” yelled the voice.
“Yes, I am the
doctor; what do you want?”
“Massa sent me
with a letter to you.”
Jumping in the
skiff, a few vigorous strokes sent me to
the opposite shore, where the singular being awaited my coming.
He was a negro
dwarf
of the most frightful appearance;
his diminutive body was garnished with legs and arms of
enormously disproportionate length; his face was hideous:
a pair of tushes projected from either side of a double
hare-lip; and taking him altogether, he was the nearest
resemblance to the ourang outang mixed with the devil
that human eyes ever dwelt upon. I could not look at him
without feeling disgust.
“Massa Bill
sent me with a letter,” was his reply to my
asking him his business.
Opening it, I
found a summons to see a patient, the
mother of a man named Disney, living some twenty miles
distant by the usual road. It was in no good humour that I
told the dwarf to wait until I could swim my horse over,
and I would accompany him.
By the time I
had concluded my preparations, and put a
large bottle of brandy in my pocket, my steed was awaiting
me upon the opposite shore.
“Massa tole me
to tell you ef you didn’t mine swimming
a little you had better kum de nere way.”
“Do you have to
swim much?”
“Oh no, massa,
onely swim Plurisy Lake, and wade de
back water a few mile, you’ll save haf de way at leste.”
I looked at the
sun. It was only about two hours high,
and the roads were in such miserable condition that six
miles an hour would be making fine speed, so I determined
to go the near way, and swim “Pleurisy slough.”
“You are
certain you know the road, boy?”
“Oh, yes,
massa, me know um ebery inch ob de groun’;
hunted possum an’ coon ober him many a night. Massa,
you ain’t got any
’baccy
, is you?”
“There’s a
chaw — and here’s a drink of brandy. I’ll give
you another if you pilot me safe through, and a good
pounding if you get lost.”
“Dank you,
Massa, um’s good. No fere I lose you,
know ebery inch of de groun’.”
I had poured
him out a
dram, not considering his
diminutive stature, sufficient to unsettle the nerves of a
stout man, but he drank it off with great apparent relish; and
by this time, everything being ready, we commenced
ploughing our way through the muddy roads.
We made but
slow progress. I would dash on, and then
have to wait for the dwarf, who, belabouring his mule with
a
cudgel
almost as large as himself, strove in vain to keep up.
The road was
directly down the bayou, for some miles.
There were few settlers on it then, and the extent of their
clearing consisted of a corn-patch. They were the pre-emptioners
or squatters; men who settled upon government
land before its survey, and awaited the incoming of
planters with several negroes to buy their claims,
themselves to be bought out by more affluent emigrants.
To one of the first-mentioned class — the pre-emptioners — my
visit was directed, or rather to his mother, who
occupied an intermediate grade between the squatter and
the small planter, inasmuch as she possessed one negro,
the delectable morsel for whom I was waiting every few
hundred yards.
It wanted but
an hour to sundown when we reached the
place where it was optional with me, either to go the longer
route by the bayou, or save several miles by cutting across
the bend of the stream, having, however, to swim “Pleurisy
slough” if I did so.
The path across
was quite obscure, and it would be dark
by the time we crossed; but the negro declared he knew
every inch of the way, and as saving distance was a
serious consideration, I determined to try it and “Pleurisy
slough.”
Taking a drink
to warm me, for the dew that had
commenced to fall was quite chilling, I gave one to the
negro, not noticing the wild sparkle of his eye or the
exhilaration of his manner.
We pressed on
eagerly, I ahead as long as the path
lasted; but it giving out at the edge of the back water, it
became necessary for the negro to precede and pilot the way.
I followed him
mechanically for some distance, relying
on his intimate knowledge of the swamp, our steeds
making but slow progress through the mud and water.
When we entered
the swamp I had remarked that the sun
was in our faces; and great was my astonishment, when we
had travelled some time, on glancing my eye upwards to
see if it had left the tree-tops, to perceive its last beams
directly at my back, the very reverse of what it should have
been. Thinking perhaps that it was some optical illusion, I
consulted the moss on the trees, and its indication was
that we were taking the back track. I addressed the negro
very sharply for having misled me, when, instead of
excusing himself, he turned on me his hideous
countenance and chuckled the low laugh of drunkenness. I
saw that I had given him too much brandy for his weak
brain, and that he was too far gone to be of any assistance
to me in finding the way.
Mine was a
pleasant situation truly. To return home
would be as bad as to endeavour to go on; it would be
night at any rate before I could get out of the swamp; and
after it fell, as there was no moon, it would be dangerous to
travel, as the whole country was full of lakes and sloughs,
and we might be precipitated suddenly into one of them,
losing our animals if not being drowned ourselves.
It was evident
that I would have to pass the night in the
swamp, my only companion the drunken dwarf. I had
nothing to eat, and no weapons to protect myself if
assailed by wild beasts; but the swamp was high enough
to preclude the attack of anything but an alligator,
and their bellow was resounding in too close proximity
to be agreeable.
Fortunately,
being a cigar-smoker, I had a box of
matches in my pocket, so I would have a fire at least. My
next care was to find a ridge sufficiently above the water to
furnish a dry place for building a fire and camp. After
considerable search, just at night-fall the welcome
prospect of a cane ridge above the overflow met my gaze;
hurrying up the negro, who by this time was maudlin
drunk, I reached the cane, and forcing my way with
considerable difficulty through it until I got out of the
reach of the water, dismounted, and tying my horse, took
the negro down and performed the same office for his mule.
My next care
was to gather materials for a fire before
impenetrable darkness closed over the swamp; fortunately
for me, a fallen oak presented itself not ten steps from
where I stood. To have a cheerful blazing fire was the work
of a few minutes. Breaking off sufficient cane-tops to last
the steeds till morning, I stripped my horse — the mule had
nothing on but a bridle — and with the saddle and cane-leaves
made me a couch that a monarch, had he been as
tired as I was, would have found no fault with. As the
negro was perfectly helpless, and nearly naked, I gave him
my saddle blanket, and making him a bed at a respectful
distance, bade him go to sleep.
Replenishing
the fire with sufficient fuel to last till
morning, I lit a cigar, and throwing myself down upon my
fragrant couch, gave myself up to reflections upon the
peculiarity of my situation. Had it been a voluntary
bivouac with a set of chosen companions, it would not
have awakened half the interest in my mind that it did, for
the attending circumstances imparted to it much of the
romantic.
There, far from
human habitation, my only companion
a hideous dwarf, surrounded with water, the night
draperied darkly around, I lay, the cane-leaves for my bed,
the saddle for my pillow; the huge fire lighting up the
darkness for a space around, and giving natural objects a
strange, distorted appearance, bringing the two steeds into
high relief against the dark background of waving cane,
which nodded over, discoursing a wild, peculiar melody of
its own. Occasionally a loud explosion would be heard as
the fire communicated with a green reed; the wild hoot of
an owl was heard, and directly I almost felt the sweep of
his wings as he went sailing by, and alighted upon an old
tree just where the light sank mingling with the darkness. I
followed him with my eye, and as he settled himself, he
turned his gaze towards me; I moved one of the logs, and
his huge eyes fairly glistened with light, as the flames shot
up with increased vigour; the swamp moss was flowing
around him in long, tangled masses, and as a more vivid
gleam uprose, I gazed and started involuntarily. Had I not
known it was an owl surrounded with moss that sat upon
that stricken tree, I would have sworn it was the form of an
old man, clad in a sombre flowing mantle, his arm raised in
an attitude of warning, that I gazed upon. A cane
exploding, startled the owl, and with a fond “tu whit tu
whoo,” he went sailing away in the darkness. The
unmelodious bellow of the alligator, and the jarring cry of
the heron, arose from a lake on the opposite side of the
cane; whilst the voices of a myriad of frogs, and the many
undistinguishable sounds of the swamp, made the night
vocal with discordancy.
My cigar being
by this time exhausted, I took the bottle
from my pocket, and taking a hearty drink to keep the
night air from chilling me when asleep, was about to
restore it to its place, and commend myself to slumber,
when, glancing at the dwarf, I saw his eyes fixed upon me
with a demoniac expression that I shall never forget.
“Give me a
dram,” he said very abruptly, not prefacing
the request by those deferential words never omitted by
the slave when in his proper mind.
“No, sir, you
have already taken too much; I will give
you no more,” I replied.
“Give me a
dram,” he again said, more fiercely than
before.
Breaking off a
cane, I told him that if he spoke to me in
that manner again I would give him a severe flogging.
But to my
surprise he retorted, “D——n you, white man, I
will kill you ef you don’t give me more brandy!” his eyes
flashing and sparkling with electric light.
I rose to
correct him, but a comparison of my well
developed frame with his stunted deformed proportions,
and the reflection that his drunkenness was attributable to
my giving him the brandy, deterred me.
“I will kill
you,” he again screamed, his fangs clashing,
and the foam flying from his mouth, his long arms extended
as if to clutch me, and the fingers quivering nervously.
I took a hasty
glance of my condition. I was lost in the
midst of the swamp, an unknown watery expanse
surrounding me; remote from any possible assistance; the
swamps were rapidly filling with water, and if we did not get
out to-morrow or next day, we would in all probability be
starved or drowned; the negro was my only dependence, to
pilot me to the settlements, and he was threatening my life
if I did not give him more brandy; should I do it or not?
Judging from the effects of the two drinks I had given him,
if he got possession of the bottle it might destroy him, or at
least render him incapable of travelling, until starvation
and exposure would
destroy us. My mind was resolved upon that subject; I
would give him no more. There was no alternative, I would
have to stand his assault; considering I was three times his
size, a fearful adventure, truly, thought I, not doubting a
moment but that my greater size would give me
proportionate strength; I must not hurt him, but will tie him
until he recovers.
The dwarf, now
aroused to maniacal fury by the
persistance in my refusal, slowly approached me to carry
his threat into execution. The idea of such a diminutive
object destroying without weapons a man of my size,
presented something ludicrous, and I laughingly awaited
his attack, ready to tie his hands before he could bite or
scratch me. Wofully I underrated his powers!
With a yell
like a wild beast’s, he precipitated himself
upon me; evading my blow, he clutched with his long
fingers at my throat, burying his talons in my flesh, and
writhing his little body around mine, strove to bear me to
earth.
I summoned my
whole strength, and endeavoured to
shake him off; but, possessing the proverbial power of the
dwarf, increased by his drunken mania to an immense
degree, I found all my efforts unavailing, and, oh God!
horrors of horrors, what awful anguish was mine, when I
found him bearing me slowly to earth, and his piercing
talons buried in my throat, cutting off my breath! My eyes
met his with a more horrid gleam than that he glared upon
me: his was the fire of brutal nature, aroused by desire to
intense malignancy; and mine the gaze of despair and
death. Closer and firmer his gripe
closed upon my throat,
barring out the sweet life’s breath. I strove to shriek for
help, but could not. How shall I describe the racking agony
that tortured me? A mountain, heavier than any earth’s
bosom holds, was pressing upon my
breast, slowly crushing me to fragments. All kinds of
colours first floated before my eyes, and then everything
wore a settled, intensely fiery red. I felt my jaw slowly
dropping, and my tongue protruding, till it rested on the
hellish fangs that encircled my throat. I could hear distinctly
every pulsation of even the minutest artery in my frame. Its
wild singing was in my ears like the ocean wave playing
over the shell-clad shore. I remember it all perfectly, for the
mind, through all this awful struggle, still remained full of
thought and clearness. Closer grew the gripe
of those
talons around my throat, and I knew that I could live but a
few moments more. I did not pray. I did not commend my
soul to God. I had not a fear of death. But oh! awful were
my thoughts at dying in such a way — suffocated by a
hellish negro in the midst of the noisome swamp, my flesh
to be devoured by the carrion crow, my bones to whiten
where they lay for long years, and then startle the settler,
when civilization had strode into the wilderness, and the
cane that would conceal my bones would be falling before
the knife of the cane-cutter. I ceased to breathe. I was dead.
I had suffered the last pangs of that awful hour, and either it
was the soul not yet resigned to leave its human tenement,
or else immortal mind triumphing over death, but I still
retained the sentient principle within my corpse. I remember
distinctly when the demon relaxed his clutch, and shaking
me to see if I were really dead, broke into a hellish laugh. I
remember distinctly when tearing the bottle from me, he
pulled my limber body off my couch, and stretched himself
upon it. And what were my thoughts? I was dead, yet am
living now. Ay, dead as human ever becomes. My lungs
had ceased to play; my heart was still; my muscles were
inactive; even my skin had the dead clammy touch. Had
men been there, they would have placed me
in a coffin, and buried me deep in the ground, and the worm
would have eaten me, and the death-rats made nests in my
heart, and what was lately a strong man would have become
a loathsome mass. But still in that coffin amidst those
writhing worms, would have been the immortal mind, and
still would it have thought and pondered on till the last day
was come. For such is the course of soul and death, as my
interpretation has it. I was dead, all but my mind, and that
still thought on as vividly, as ramblingly, as during life. My
body lay dead in that murderer’s swamp, my mind roamed
far away in thought, reviewing my carnal life. I stood, as
when a boy, by my mother’s grave. The tall grass was
waving over it, the green sod smiled at my feet. “Mother,” I
whispered, “your child is weary — the world looks harsh
upon him — coldness comes from those who should shelter
the orphan. Mother, open your large black eyes and smile
upon your child.” Again, I stood upon the steamer, a
childish fugitive, giving a last look upon my fleeing home,
and mingling my tears with the foaming wave beneath. I
dragged my exhausted frame through the cotton-fields of
the south. My back was wearied with stooping — we were
picking the first opening — and as dreams of future
distinction would break upon my soul, the strap of the
cotton-sack, galling my shoulder, recalled me to myself. All
the phases of my life were repeated, until they ended where
I lay dead! — dead as mortal ever becomes. I thought, What
will my friends say when they hear that on a visit to the
sick, I disappeared in the swamp, and was never heard of
more? — drowned or starved to death? Will they weep for
me? for me ? — Not many, I ween, will be the tears that will
be shed for me. Then, after the lapse of long years, my
bones will be found. I wonder who will get my skull?
Perhaps an humble doctor like
myself, who, meditating upon it, will not think that it holds
the mind of a creature of his own ambition — his own lofty
instincts. He will deem it but an empty skull, and little
dream that it held a sentient principle. But I know that the
mind will still tenant it. Ha, ha! how that foul ape is gurgling
his blood-bought pleasure. I would move if I could, and
wrench the bottle from him; but mine is thought, not action.
Hark! there is a storm arising. I hear with my ear, that is
pressed on the earth, the thunder of the hurricane. How the
trees crash beneath it! Will it prostrate those above me?
Hark! what awful thunder! Ah me! what fierce pang is that
piercing my very vitals? There is a glimmering of light
before my eyes. Can it be that I the dead am being restored
to human life? Another thunder peal! ‘tis the second stroke
of my heart — my blood is red-hot — it comes with fire
through my veins — the earth quakes — the mountain is
rolling off my chest — I live! — I breathe! — I see!
— I hear! — Where am I? Who brought me here? I hear other
sounds, but cannot my own voice. Where am I? Ah! I
remember the dwarf strangled me. Hark! where is he? Is
that the sunbeam playing over the trees? What noisome
odour like consuming flesh is that which poisons the gale?
Great God! can that disfigured half-consumed mass be my
evil genius?
I rose up, and
staggering, fell again; my strength was
nearly gone. I lay until I thought myself sufficiently
recruited to stand, and then got up and surveyed the
scene. The animals were tied as I left them, and were eating
their cane unconcernedly; but fearfully my well-nigh
murderer had paid for his crime, and awful was the
retribution. Maddened by the spirits, he had rushed into the
flames, and, in the charred and loathsome mass, nothing of
the human remained; he had died the murderer’s death
and been buried in his grave, — a tomb of fire.
To remain
longer in the horrid place was impossible; my
throat pained me excessively where the talons had
penetrated the flesh, and I could not speak above a
whisper. I turned the mule loose, thinking that it would
return home, and conduct me out of the swamp. I was not
incorrect in my supposition; the creature led me to its
owner’s cabin. The patient had died during the night.
My account of
the dwarf’s attack did not surprise the
family; he had once, when in a similar condition, made an
attack upon his mistress, and would have strangled her
had assistance not been near.
His bones were
left to bleach where they lay. I would
not for the universe have looked again upon the place; and
his mistress being dead, there were none to care for
giving him the rites of
sepulture.
THE END.
Episode 9. Swamp Doctor by Madison Tensas. (July 20, 2013).
Notes
- Absalomic fate.
2 Samuel 13-20. Absalom rebelled against his father David, and after
losing a battle, was fleeing on a horse when his long hair got caught in tree branches
and he was left hanging in the tree until David’s general killed him. Tensas is saying
that the country doctor only needs to bow down when he is ducking tree branches.
- Pharmacien.
Pharmacist.
- Bran dance.
Barn dance.
-
“Gunn’s Domestic Medicine.”
John C. Gunn. Gunn’s Domestic Medicine, a book of home medicine for ordinary readers.
- Filling the ℞.
Filling the prescription.
- Azote.
Late 18th early 19th century word for nitrogen.
- General Taylor’s.
He was a decorated war hero that was nominated for the presidential election by the whig party in 1848.
- Living in a free state.
The narrator moved to Ohio.
- Caboose.
The ship’s galley.
- Captain Cook.
First European to see the Sandwich Islands.
- Hired at V——.Vicksburg, Mississippi.
- Brother. The real Lewis’ brother is Joseph, who by now had achieved considerable success as a merchant in Yazoo City, Mississippi, northwest of Jackson.
- On reaching M——.
Machester, Mississippi now known as Yazoo city.
- Monetary crash.
the Panic of 1837, the country’s first “Great Depression."
- One of the first physicians.
The basis for “Dr. Dorsey,” or Dr. Washington Dorsey, a friend to Joseph Lewis and, later, the man to whom Henry Clay Lewis apprenticed as a physician.
- Preceptor.
Tutor.
- Dispensatory.
A reference book which would have recorded the formulas for compounding various medicines.
- Father of physic.
Hippocrates, the ancient Greek physician (c. 460-c.377 BCE), who, according to tradition, is the father of medicine. He is the first to have applied rational principles and facts, not superstition, to the study of medicine. He is also the namesake of the Hippocratic Oath, though it is not known for certain that he wrote it. Later he comes to be figurative for the rational, dispassionate scientist.
- Vomits.
Emetics, medical compounds for purging the stomach.
- Bleeding.
The process of drawing blood from a patient, to restore balance in the four humors (black bile, yellow bile, blood, and phlegm).
-
Nom de plume. Pen name. Usually it refers to a pseudonym adopted by a writer, like Mark Twain by Samuel Clemens. Here it means that the author has given a pseudonym to a real person described in the work.
- Up-country pacer.
A horse of the higher country (here, the Upland South) which walks with a slow, steady gait.
- Circus rider.
Actually a “circuit rider,” or a minister, often Methodist, who traveled along a “circuit,” a group of rural churches, preaching.
- Dramatis Personae.
Characters in a play/drama.
- “And if I die before I wake.”
A line abstracted from the children’s prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
- Coppras breeches.
Properly copperas breeches.
Pants dyed with ferrous sulfate (FeSO4), such that they become greenish in color.
- ’Simmons.
persimmons.
-
Bimeby. By and by.
- Passun.
Parson.
- Flanx.
“flanks” or area of animals’ body between its ribs and hips.
- Caliker.
Calico, or inexpensive cotton fabric, originally from Calcutta, India, though later manufactured in the US. Here the calico is used for a woman’s garment, perhaps a skirt or a dress.
- Dropsy.
Edema, or the accumulation, by swelling, of serous fluid, often in the connective tissues, such as ligaments and tendons.
- Brogan.
A heavy work shoe, one commonly used in agricultural or industrial work.
- Agur.
Ague, an illness characterized by regular intervals of sweats and chills,
especially malaria.
- Linsey.
As in linsey-woolsey, or a coarse fabric manufactured from cotton and wool or linen and wool.
- Let down.
Struck.
- Drawers.
Underwear.
- Warming-pan.
A pan possessing a long handle, used to heat beds in winter.
- Small-pox.
A highly contagious virus characterized by blistering of the skin, sloughing of the resultant sores, scarring. Frequently fatal.
- Projectors.
One who plans something; a machine for projecting an image, for instance a map, on a screen or in a book. Here it may refer to the planner (in general), or even to the person who draws the map.
- Galled.
Irritated or chafed, often by friction.
- Camp-meetings.
Revivalistic services practiced especially by Methodists, ecstatic behaviors, mass conversions, fervent preaching, etc. Conducted in temporary structures like tents.
- Turpentine.
Made from the sap or resin extracted from coniferous trees such as pines.
- Congress.
The name of a real or fictitious steamship.
- Jam up.
Pressed tightly against.
- Chiboque.
S clay smoking pipe of the long-stemmed variety, originating in Turkey.
- Marlin spike.
A type of pointed tool, either metallic or wooden, employed to part strands of wire or rope.
- Yawl.
A smaller ship’s boat, often rigged with fore and aft sails.
- Southern acquaintance.
Based upon a classmate of Henry Clay Lewis, one Francis ("Frank") McNulty of Vicksburg. He would later enlist in the military during the Mexican War and die at the Battle of Buena Vista.
- Sugar-loaf.
A mass of refined sugar, molded in the form of a cone. Here the term refers to a something like a dunce’s cap, always referring to someone who is slow-witted..
- Lucubrated.
Meditated upon, usually in a pretentious or pompus fashion.
- Subscribe.
In earlier forms of publishing, to pledge a certain amount of money for a writer to compose and then publish his or her work, with the money being used to finance the writer’s expenses, especially for printing the text (buying paper, setting the typeface, etc.), but often for paying the writer’s living expenses, too.
- Agur.
A variant of ague, a fever like malaria, characterized by chills and sweats. Malaria is the likely disease described by the narrator, given the allusion to mosquitoes.
- Wretch.
“The wretch had saved his life from the hangman": In 19th century America medical researchers (esp. physicians) often found that their only subjects for experimentation were the bodies of convicted criminals (in this case, a man who was to have been hanged).
- Albinoes.
Animals or people who, as a result of a genetic abnormality, lack pigmentation, thus rendering their skin white, their eyes pink or blue, and their hair light blond or even white.
- Metempsychosis.
Transmigration of the spirit, after death, to be reincarnated into the body of another human or even an animial.
- Mizzled.
Left abruptly, fo shizzle.
- Wistar’s anatomy.
Caspar Wistar. A System of Anatomy for the Use of Students of Medicine.
Like any anatomical text, Wistar’s described the structure of organisms. This particular book would have been well-known among American physicians of the 19th century.
- Incisor.
One of the teeth used for cutting food; it is adjacent to the canines.
- Molar.
Tooth having flat or round surface.
- Speshy.
Specie, or coin used for money.
- Castor.
Castor oil, a processed fatty substance derived from the beans of the castor plant, a highly poisonous herb. The oil may be used as a lubricant or as a cathartic.
- Bowie knife.
The fabled fighting knife developed, purportedly, by James “Jim” Bowie, a notorious slave trader and smuggler. He died at the Alamo.
- Esculapin,
relating to the science and art of medicine. From Æsculpius, the son of the
Greek god Apollo and the god of healing and medicine. The Hippocratic Oach begins,
"I swear by Apollo the Physician and by Asclepius . . . ."
- Pre-empted.
Taken possession of something.
- Half a peck.
A measurement consisting of eight quarts or two gallons.
- Valerian.
A perennial herb whose roots were formerly used as a mild sedative and a carminative, or agent causing a patient to discharge gas from the alimentary canal.
- Prussic acid.
Cyanide.
- Calomel.
A tasteless, white compound made from mercury with the chemical formula
Hg2Cl2. In 19th century America, physicians would have used it as as a fungicide and as a purgative
- Adhesive plaster.
In the 19th century, a wound covering made from cloth, and often medicated with a substance to promote the wound’s healing.
- Chaos.
Here, the doctor/narrator’s horse. In ancient times, the state describing pre-existent, confused matter, before it became ordered.
- Doggery.
A cheap bar, a dive.
- Dark Yazoo.
Located in Mississippi, a river whose source is located immediately south of Greenwood, from which it flows in a southwesterly direction to Vicksburg, where it joins the Mississippi River itself.
- Eolus
Æolus, the god of the winds in Greek mythology.
- Bee.
An idea which is odd or eccentric.
- Preceptor.
Tensas makes reference to the passing of Dr. Dorsey, who had died in October of 1845.
- Edinburgh and London.
In the early 19th century both Edinburgh, Scotland and London, England were renowned centers for medical education in the English-speaking world.
- Marasmus.
Extreme malnutrition.
- Julep.
A drink concocted from water, a simple syrup (sugar and water), and a quantity of flavoring. A variation is the mint julep, mixed from a quantity of alcohol (usually brandy or bourbon), sugar to taste, and several sprigs of mint for both flavor and decoration. Based on the description that follows, Tensas likely drank a mint julep.
- Tensas.
The Tensas River, a stream which joins the Ouachita River to make the Black River, a tributary of the Mississippi.
- Great southern staple.
Cotton.
- Marine hospital.
Apparently the Louisville Marine Hospital, where the young Henry Clay Lewis received the final year of his medical training.
- cupping.
A medical procedure in which the blood is drawn to the surface of the skin by the operation of heat upon a glass container, or “cup."
- Old D.
Dr. Daniel Drake making another appearance in one of Lewis’ narratives.
- Nagur.
The rasist slur designating someone of African descent.
- Praties.
Irish dialect for something beautiful or delicate.
- Consumption.
tuberculosis, a highly contagious disease caused by the tubercle bacterium, and affecting, primarily, the lungs. In the early 19th century it would have been mostly untreatable.
- Dropsy.
edema, or swelling of the connective tissues, caused by the accumulation of serous (watery) fluid.
- Gabriel.
one of the four archangels who, in the Hebrew Scripture (Old Testament) serves as a messenger reveals God’s judgment to the prophet Daniel (Dan. 8:16 and 9:21), and, later, in the Christian Scripture (New Testament), announces the birth of the Messiah, Jesus (Lk. 1:19 and Lk. 1:26).
- Catch-pole.
a deputy.
- Grave rat.
slang for doctor in the early 19t century.
- BEING EXAMINED FOR MY DEGREE.
The late Professor John Q. Anderson, a scholar of 19th century American literature, reguarded much of this narrative as being largely autobiographical, wth, of course, Lewis’ humorous exaggerations.
- Blank-book.a leather-bound text rather like today’s notebook.
- Chirographical.
of or pertaining to handwriting.
- Quick-lime.a combination of calcium and oxygen (formula CaO), which, when added to water, gives off heat and turns to crumbs.
- Lunar caustic.
a combination of silver, nitrogen, and oxygen (formula AgNO4), formed into rods or sticks and used for reducing or relieving. (Check this reference to be certain that Lewis isn’t being ironic.)
- Physiological temperance society .
mentioned in a,” the P.T.S. had been founded by one of Lewis’ own professors, Dr. Daniel Drake
- Ides of March.
that is, 15 March, the day on which the street prophet predicts that Julius Caesar will die, in Julius Caesar, Act X, Scene X.
- Superannuated widower.
Once again, Lewis is satirizing Dr. Drake, one of his professors.
- Durham stock raiser.the county of Durham, in England, known widely for its cattle industry, especially those of the shorthorn variety.
- Professor of that branch.
This person seems to be Dr. Jedediah Cobb, the Professor of Anatomy and Dean of the Faculty at the Medical Institute of Louisville. He was known to be a proponent of vitalism.
- Vitalist.
a person holding to the idea that natural scientific laws alonecannot explain the operations of living organisms
- Liebigian theory.
scientific position developed by one of the founders of organic chemistry, the German chemist Baron Justus von Liebig, who maintained that principles of chemistry could explain the workings of organisms.
- Professor of Mat.
the Professor in question is most likely Dr. Charles Short, whose specialty, materia medica, involves locating sources of drugs/medicines, in addition to determining their nature, their characteristics, and the means for preparing them.
- “What are emetics?”
medicines for causing a patient to vomit.
- Quid.
something capable of being chewed, such as a wad.
- Lobelia.
an herbaceous, flowering plant which Native Americans used for medicinal purposes (and which, in early America, was called Indian tobacco).
- Purgatives.
medicines which are meant to act as cathartics
- Old Sawbones.
slang for a surgeon, specifically, here, Dr. Samuel Gross, Professor of Surgery at the Medical Institute of Louisville.
- Subclavian atery.
the main artery at its closest point of attachment, in an arm or forelimb.
- Chemistry.
Dr. Lunsford Pitts Yandell was Professor of Chemistry and Pharmacy at the Medical Institute.
- Liebigian system.
Yandell was known to be a strong proponent of Liebigian thought, making him, in turn, the arch-rival to Dr. Cobb, the vitalist.
- Daltonian theory.
propounded by John Dalton (1766-1844), English chemist and physicist, this school of thought held that atoms, which could not be created, split, or destroyed, comprised all elements. Dalton also believed that specific numbers of different elements combined to form molecules. He even formulated the first periodic table of elements, albeit an inaccurate one.
- STEALING A BABY.
Lewis seems to have based the “Lucy” of this brief narrative on a real woman, but her full name is unknown. Lewis did compose a poem, “The Dark Yazoo,” apparently in her honor. It is based, in part, on a ballad, “Lucy Neal."
- Dead-house.
a morgue
- Sorrel.
a shade of light brown
- Bayou.
a small creek or stream. Actually the word, though entering English from Louisiana French, is originally bayuk, a term from the Choctaw language.
- Bump of the ludicrous.
idiomatically, Tensas’ sense of the ridiculous. In more theoretical terms he is referring to the “science” (actually the pseudoscience) of phrenology, developed by Franz Joseph Gall, an anatomist from Germany. Gall believed that the brain of each person was divided according to polarities, affective (propensities and sentiments) and intellectual (perceptive and reflective). Moreover the brain was comprised of certain “bumps,” each of them corresponding to a certain “organ": tune in musicians, language in poets and other literary artists, form and coloring in artists, etc. These bumps determined not only one’s abilities, but also one’s station. Thus Gall believed that one could tell if a person were going to be a law-abiding individual or a criminal, all based upon the bumps in the skull. His views are now widely dismissed as quackery. And given Tensas’ use of the idea, he is using it strictly in a metaphorical sense.
- Sub-hysteria.
a state of extreme excitability affecting a person’s emotional, sensory, vasomotor, and visceral responses.
- Quasi delirium.
withdrawal caused by chronic alcohol consumption. The condition produces violent shaking and often hallucinations.
- Arkansas Fitifuge.
obviously more of Tensas’ satire, here brandy, as he informs. The “’Fitifuge’” in question most likely means “escape/refuge from violent attack/paroxysm.”
- Truck!
dealings, negotiations.
- Screech owl.
According to the folk wisdom of the locals, the screech owl’s cry heralding a person’s impending death.
- Awgrese.
auguries, or omens (such as drawing straws) which supposedly foretell the future, according to folk wisdom.
- An’ figurashuns, an hiramgliptix.
that is, figures and hieroglyphics, both of which are taken to forecast future events.
- Lobely.
the herbaceous plant Lobelia, (so-called “Indian tobacco") grown for its beautiful blossoms and, here, for medicinal purposes.
- Decokshun.
decoction, or the reduction or concentration of a substance through boiling.
- Yaller janders.
yellow jaundice, a disease caused by the overflow of bile fluids into the bloodstream, and resulting in yellow coloring of the skin, the body’s tissues, and even bodily fluids.
- First Family Virginia.
decendant of one of the original Virginia cavaliers
- Harry the Eighth.
English king Henry VIII (1491-1547) or Henry Tudor. He was noted for his six wives; conflict with the Pope Clement VII, regarding a divorce from Queen Catherine of Aragon and desire to marry Anne Boleyn; build-up of the English navy; establishment of the Church of England — and his huge appetites, not all of them pertaining to food. He died, having (most likely) one or more STDs, not to mention morbid obesity and gout, his stroke probably connected to his enormous weight and, based on the evidence, extreme untreated hypertension.
- Gout.
an accumulation of urea crystals in the extremities and an overabundance of uric acid in the blood, causing extremely painful inflammation of the joints and often their destruction, if left untreated. Before the 20th century, science held that so-called “rich living” caused gout, hence its association with monarchs and other high-born types.
- Alexander.
Richard: Richard III, who according to the historical record, was a hunchback. The condition of being “humpbacked” is more properly termed kyphosis, or reversed spinal curvature. In older times it was a source of ostracism for those with the condition.
- Strabismus.
from Greek στραβισμός,
(strabismos), the state of squinting, and
στραβός
(strabos), squinty-eyed, or the medical condition in which one eye cannot coordinate its focal point with the other, to produce binocular vision.
- Jenner.
Edward Jenner (1749-1823) the English doctor who developed one of the earliest vaccinations for smallpox by first studying the similar though milder virus, cowpox. Jenner’s contribution was to show that vaccination against cowpox protected a patient against the more severe (and deadly) smallpox virus, which claimed many lives before the 20th century.
- James the Second.
James Stuart (1633-1701), Catholic King of England (1685-88), forced by Parliament to abdicate as a result of the Glorious Revolution (1688) and the ascension of the Dutch Protestant William of Orange, or William III (1650-1702), who ruled with his wife Mary, from 1689-1702.
- Oliver Cromwell.
Oliver Cromwell: English political figure (1599-1658), leader of the Parliamentary forces in the English Civil War (1642-49), and Lord Protector, 1653-58.
- Stray grizzly.
Presumably these bears, more common to the Rock Mountains and the West, would have roved about north Louisiana at the time of this narrative. But check to make sure.
- Black and more effeminate brethre.
Most likely this is the Louisiana black bear, which would have been plentiful at the time of this writing, but which, today, is a protected species because of over-hunting.
- Tenaculum.
a thin surgical implement consisting of a sharpened hook attached to a handle, with the whole affair being used to snag and hold body parts, such as blood vessels.
- ’Simmons.
persimmons, orange fruit with tough, leathery skin and numerous small seeds surrounded by gel sacs. When ripe the fruit is quite pleasant to the taste. However, unripened, the fruits are legendary for their sharpness.
- Painter.
a dialectical spelling of panther, as was then common in parts of north Louisiana.
- Washington and Franklin.
respectively George Washington, the first US President (1789-97; Benjamin Franklin (1706-90), American scientist, scholar, and statesman; Henry Clay (1777-1852), the “Great Compromiser,” American senator from Kentucky and notable statesman and orator; and Andrew Jackson, American commanding General at the Battle of New Orleans and later, 7th President of the US (1829-37).
- Bear-hunter.
He is seeking his so-called “fifteen minutes of fame,” that is, celebrity, as the notable American artist Andy Warhol termed it.
- A one-leg cripple.
Mik’s way, then, of “dying with his boot on,” or more seriously, of proving he is still a man, his disability notwithstanding.
- Fire of the ancient Greeks.
a reference to the Byzantine empire’s legendary incendiary composition, which, when used on opponents, burned almost unquenchably, and which apparently burned even more fiercely when in contact with water.
- Gal-vanic battery.
a source of stored energy which produces power, via direct current. Here, the battery would produce an involuntary physical response. The word galvanic is derived from the name of the Italian anatomist Luigi Galvani, a pioneer in the field of electrophysiology. Through his experiments with frogs, Galvani discovered that a bioelectric current caused muscles to contract, thus enabling them to operate.
- Meed.a 12th century term for a reward or a wage. The word is hardly used today.
- F.F.
First Family [of Virginia].
- Poltroon. A total coward
- Cowper’s bu-colics. Engish poet William Cowper (1731-1800).
- Emetic. A chemical preparation which induces vomiting.
- Fits. Abrupt attacks, usually violent, whose symptoms may include seizures and unconsciousness. In the present case since the narrative involves a woman of color, an enslaved person of African descent, the “fit” constitutes an emotional and psychological response to the cruelty and dehumanization brought on by slavery and, back of this institution, its social ill, racism.
- Dwarf. A person whose body is abnormally small and malproportioned, usually because of a genetic defect. In Western folklore (both European and American) the dwarf is typically ugly and treacherous.
- ’Baccy. Tobacco.
- Dram. A small amount.
- Cudgel. A short, stout stick or club, used for balance and self defense.
- Sepulture. Burial.
Text prepared by:
Group 1 — Fall 2012
- Jenifer Austin
- Stephen Payne
- Brian Schuppert
- Denman Watts
Group 2 — Winter 2012-2013
- Kacie Hobson
- Bruce Magee
- Molly Mahoney
- Deanne Seamon
- Riley White
Source
Tensas, Madison. Odd Leaves from the Life of a Louisiana “Swamp Doctor”: The Swamp Doctor’s Adventures in the South-West. Containing the Whole of the Louisiana Swamp Doctor; Streaks of Squatter Life; and Far-Western Scenes; in a Series of Forty-Two Humorous Southern and Western Sketches, Descriptive of Incidents and Character. Illus. Felix Octavius Carr Darley and T. B. Peterson. Philadelphia: A. Hart, 1850. Peterson’s Illustrated Uniform Edition of Humorous American Works. Internet Archive. 4 Aug. 2009. Web. 18 Apr. 2013.
<http:// archive.org/ details/ oddleaves fromlif00 lewi>.
Anthology of Louisiana
Literature